Struggling to get over DS saying he wants to die

[AriellaBella]

DS (10) has ASD and sometimes has violent and angry meltdowns. He had 2 in the space of a week recently and during one (after trashing his room and smashing everything possible) he sobbed for an hour that he wanted to die. On repeat "just let me die, please kill me".

I haven't been able to get over it. It was probably about 3 weeks ago now, but I feel like I'm on shutdown. I don't know how to get over the image of him being that upset and hearing those words.

My biggest fear is that one day, when he is older, he will actually kill himself when he is in a mood like this; completely inconsolable, unable to see any good in the world or anything positive, just full of sadness and pain.

At the same time myself and my partner of 2 years are going for IVF. We had a failed round last year and have 1 frozen embryo. I keep wondering if I am mad to be considering bringing another child into the world when I have one that doesn't want to be here.

I know that withdrawing from people is to try and stop myself from being hurt and is somewhat self protective but I don't know how to reverse this feeling of shutting down and wanting the whole world to go away.

I'm already having counselling but that hasn't helped with this feeling.

He is saying he wants to die again today. I don't know why and I don't think he knows why either.

My daughter also has ASD and has frequently expressed a desire to die mainly because she says she hates her brain. It doesn't help she's been bullied and we are moving and I'm pregnant so lots of change (she hates change). During her meltdowns my husband tends to hold her to stop her smashing her head on the walk but I'm not able to do this.
My daughter scratches her skin as well and the other day asked if jumping out of her window would hurt or kill her. It's horrible to hear talking like that and I can't seem to get anyone to listen or take it seriously.
I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but I know how you feel. The website off the record or happy maps may help.

Hey OP

So I Am in no way an expert here , but I also would advise investing into some private medical help . Both therapy and medication

There exists medication to stop people
Feeling this desolate and in the right circumstances this should be prescribed for kids . I am paying for private therapy for my son (who is in no way as desolate as your little fellow ) I wish you success in helping him

@Rosebel and @Thisisworsethananticpated - how old are your children?

My daughter is 11 started Y7 last September.

Ditto ! It’s quite the age
Son is NT but has been exhibiting a lot of MH issues since year 6

I am throwing therapy and school stuff at him , but I wouldn’t hesitate to do more
If I felt it necessary as their is fuck all help in the NHS
And I don’t have pots of cash , I am
Not saying that to guilt trip . I would prioritise that over anything to be honest

It does seem to be quite common for young people with ASD to say these things.

Ds is 15 and was diagnosed with ASD last year. We have had him say he wishes he had never been born, wishes he was no longer alive, that he should take a whole pack of paracetamol etc, etc.

Support is completely lacking. The paediatrician that diagnosed him in September didn't invite him to the diagnosis appointment. I asked her for help and she said there was nothing, gave us a handout and ushered us out of her room.

Gp referred Ds to Camhs in December, they rejected his referral in January. Gp apologised and she was so sorry but there is nothing else she can offer.

School referred Ds to early help who offered 5 counselling sessions in school. No budget to pay for them so the school sent us the bill.

Ds has one counselling session left and then we have nothing else again. It's crap.

Hope things improve soon for your Ds Ariella

Seems going private is the only way. We too were referred to Camhs but were rejected. School offer nothing except the Senco who my daughter doesn't like. And been chasing our 12 weeks follow up appointment since Christmas.
Perhaps it as well to go on the waiting list for counselling but I know it doesn't help in the short term as all the waiting lists round here are 6 months.
My daughter's issues go all the way back to Y4 and I can't help but think if the school hadn't kept saying to me of course she's not autistic we might have got more help but who knows.

What sort of private support are you accessing? I'm not sue what is available, and even less sure if/what DS would engage with.

My ds, 11 and also asd, has recently expressed similar. Heartbreaking is such a trite word but it’s how it feels. I have complete sympathy with you.

In our case I think he has high anxiety because he catastrophises things and sees the world as very black and white. He has a teacher this year who is emotionally volatile and generally disorganised and he’s struggling with that.

I hadn’t understood how much he bottles things up. We’ve managed to uncover a couple of serious worries and find some strategies for them which has helped. But he needs help to learn how to communicate his worries and to identify the need to communicate and to process his feelings to even get to the point where he can do any of that.

I think cbt could help with the catastrophising mindset so I’m pushing hard for that.

So far I’ve demanded and got the educational psychologist to assess him for anxiety and resilience. And I’ve got the gp to refer him to cahms. The waiting list is months long (in Ireland). My instinct is to look for private support and try and find someone he can build a long term relationship with as I can’t see this getting easier as a teenager.

I think it would be less frightening if he was depressed or constantly anxious but it just seems to erupt spontaneously. It terrifies me that he could kill himself on a whim because he doesn’t have the resources to look beyond the moment.

Sorry, I know it’s not particularly helpful, but it’s a relief to share with others in the same boat.

@MsGee could you tell me about your empathy phrases. Sometimes I feel like I’m always putting my foot in it with ds.

@Barbararara of course. And I understand the fear that they will make a big mistake on a whim. I know in my heart DD doesn't want to die, but I worry she will make a bad split second choice that will be catastrophic.

Below phrases are all from a course on empathetic responses for teens

Phrases to say
You seem upset
In can see you are angry
You're having a rough time aren't you
That sounds difficult
That's such a shame, do you want a hug
I'm here if you want to talk
You look exhausted

Phrases not to say
Oh your poor thing
Don't worry about it
I'll get it sorted for you
It doesn't matter
What you need to do is...
I hate to see you upset
I understand how you feel

I mess up and say I understand far too much. Its like a red rag to a bull. I have got a specific phrase written down on a piece of paper specifically about suicide which I will try to dig out too.

@MsGee those are really helpful, thank you.

@Barbararara I think it would be less frightening if he was depressed or constantly anxious but it just seems to erupt spontaneously. It terrifies me that he could kill himself on a whim because he doesn’t have the resources to look beyond the moment

That is exactly what I worry about too. Those feelings in the moment are so overwhelming and strong for my DS, I could quite imagine him hurting himself in moments like that.

If I were you OP I would start a thread in SN and one here and ask for referrals and advice
Also do some internet research

Sounds to me that a child psychiatrist with expertise in this would be a good place to start

I advise that over a therapist , as they can give clinical advice and feedback ?

@Thisisworsethananticipated thanks I will post again in SN.

I once called the Young Minds helpline about my younger DS, who was having some anger issues a couple of years ago. I spoke to a really great retired child psychiatrist and he suggested family therapy. The issue is that I am divorced from the kids dad and always feel I have to tread on eggshells about this sort of stuff with him. It took about 6 months for him to be on board to seek a diagnosis for ASD. ExH is a medic and finds it difficult to accept that his children have any sort of anything other than being completely neurotypical. As DS1 tends to have all his meltdowns with me, I think he thinks I am making it out to be worse than it is, and I don't know if he would be on board for DS1 having any sort of therapy etc. I know I feel it's in DS1's best interests, but ExH has a warped view (IMO) of what that is.

I need to post a whole other thread on at what age DS1 should have more say in his living arrangements. Yet another thing I walk on eggshells with ExH About.

Sorry, derailed thread entirely.

Hi OP,

We'll move the thread for you now, so don't worry about reposting.

@MsGee thanks, I’m definitely guilty of “I understand”

Gosh , I also have an ex who doesn’t match expectations and agree , in fact we
Plain old don’t talk

I don’t think that helps anyone , me included and it definitely doesn’t help with the kids

I don’t know . It’s hard . Had a mutual meltdown last night and yesterday when I lost my shit too . So I have no words of wisdom today , hate myself

@thisisworsethananticipated I’m so sorry you had a shit day yesterday and you feel bad about yourself today. You are doing your best and we all lose our shit sometimes. Today is another day and I hope it’s a better one for you. Sending un-mumsnetty hugs.

And I lost it today too !
My Primary lesson is no matter how bad they are melting down or behaving awfully , if I stay calm it’s better . But I am only a human and sometimes the aggression and verbal abuse just triggers me
I have a head ache and it’s fucking half term

Thanks kind words and sorry for moaning in your thread xx

Knowing its better to stay calm is one thing ... managing to do it 24/7 is very different We are all human, and its impossible to take constant abuse and aggression without losing it. I sometimes feel like it is being in an abusive relationship with no escape.

My DD tends to lose it with me more - we are the safe space, where they know it is ok to let it all out.

Anyway, Day 1 of half term. Good luck everyone.

I'm so glad I read d don't say I understand. I'm often guilty of this and really should have realised it never helps. My daughter is convinced no-one understands her and when I say I do she gets very upset.
She is happier today as she hates school but I find it difficult keeping to a routine as we have to plan every minute of the day. We had one meltdown because my niece arrived 15 minutes late. Already feel exhausted.

Anyway, Day 1 of half term. Good luck everyone

God help us all

I Managed yesterday but had a wee mini scream getting them out of the house

Day 1 of HT for me as the kids have been with their dad. Unfortunately they were both unwell so DS1 has come back sleep deprived and feeling poorly and is sobbing again saying he wants to die.

Oh and he has a wobbly tooth which for a kiddo with sensory issues and things not feeling right it is akin to torture.