More than anxiety?

[Mummyy07]

Hi,
I am looking for some advice on my 9 year old DS. I think he may suffer from anxiety but just wanted to hear other people’s opinions.

He is very much a worrier and things like going on holiday etc seems such a big deal to him as he’s heard of plane crashes etc and convinced himself this will happen to him. Recently he is getting himself in a state about crossing roads. He WILL do these things when pushed and I reassure him constantly and discuss it with him and try to get to the bottom of his worries.

He has always been very quiet/shy. I kept him back from school a year as both myself and nursery agreed he wasn’t ready emotionally or socially. He has had 2 close friends since nursery and I feel he socialises ok in school but doesn’t have any other close friendships. He struggles to make conversation with adults/other children. He comes across as very rude but I’m unsure if it’s just overwhelming shyness. He won’t make eye contact, very straight faced, hardly answers etc. He gets better as the time with these people go on and he feels more comfortable. Even if we meet up with cousins or people he’s known for a long time but hasn’t seen for a few weeks/months he is the same for the first hour or so till he feels at ease.

He won’t join any clubs. Overthinks things and worries about every aspect of it although it is something he is very interested in. He joined one at school and loved it till someone said he wasn’t any good and he came home heartbroken and refused to go back. He has no confidence at all n it’s quite heartbreaking to hear how little he thinks of himself. If I take him to a party (he’d rather not go usually but will sometimes) he will sit at the side and not speak to anyone or engage. Again he looks very rude. Sometimes he eventually eases off and joins for the last part, sometimes we just have to leave.

Eating is a nightmare and I feel it’s a sensory issue for him. Same with clothes, I cut off tags, everything has to fit just right. If they don’t he isn’t violent or anything but gets annoyed. Haircuts were the same and he’d say they “hurt him”.

I’ve found he reacts better if I tell him we are going to doctors or say for a haircut or to shops in advance or if I pick him up from school and announce then he’s upset. Not sure if this is just a normal thing as maybe he just doesn’t like to do these things and the warning gives him time to process.

He’s started playing with his hair to the point it has created bald spots. Since he’s tried stopping that he started biting on his clothes and comes home from school soaked at the sleeves etc. When asked why he does these things and does he find it hard to stay still he has said its like it hurts him to stay still in class.

Sleeping at night he won’t go to bed without me lying with him. This has got a bit better as time as went on as I try to do less but at 9 it’s still happening. Again he just gets upset if it’s not this way but never violent etc.

He gets interested in a topic for a period of time and he will learn everything about it. Be able to rhyme off facts and figures, memorises for example each winner in competitions for the past 30 years or stats about teams. He learns it all in a very short period of time then will get interested in something else.

I think perhaps these are just his character traits and just who he is but after reading someone else’s post were they felt their DC has ASD I felt I’d like other opinions.

He copes fine in school and I’ve never been told of any issues. When I asked about him being anxious his teacher told me she would have said it was an issue at start of the term (she is his new teacher) but he is able to ask her questions now etc and just to let him be who he is.

Thank you

I’ve found he reacts better if I tell him we are going to doctors or say for a haircut or to shops in advance or if I pick him up from school and announce then he’s upset. Not sure if this is just a normal thing as maybe he just doesn’t like to do these things and the warning gives him time to process

This is called transitions, going from one part of your day doing one thing, to the next part doing something else.

Aa some transitions are difficult if they are sprung upon him, try using a simpler explanation for him, using now, next and then explanations for things that raise his anxiety.

He copes fine in school and I’ve never been told of any issues
Schools are not great at noticing much if a pupil isn't disruptive or aggressive or very behind academically. So many parents of kids on the spectrum are told everything's "fine" at school.

Re sensory issues, is there anything described in here that your son also does? If so, add that to your list of his differences to take to the GP.
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

See your GP on your own initially with your list of concerns and ask for a referral for your son.

Don't be fobbed off, waiting times for assessments are very long in most areas and if your son is showing signs now, it's much better to have an assessment and suggested interventions in place before he starts secondary school.
Many children who seem "fine" in primary school really, really struggle with the move to secondary and starting the process then means they are without any help there for a couple of years.

@BlankTimes thank you so much for your reply.

*Re sensory issues, is there anything described in here that your son also does? If so, add that to your list of his differences to take to the GP.

Thank you, I’ll have a look at this in more depth but it did remind me that he also doesn’t like loud noises. Things like discos or carnival etc he just wants to leave straight away and says he doesn’t like the noise. He’s got slightly better with this and can stay if it’s not too noisy but can tell he feels uncomfortable.

I know because it isn’t causing any problems in school or it’s manageable at home but I have just noticed more and more and worry about the impact socially. I feel like he’s not enjoying things he could be because of the issues he has, whatever it be sensory or confidence. I don’t think anyone will listen to me to be honest.

They will listen, sometimes it takes persistence on your part for these things to be noticed.

You already have a record of his issues being there from a young age and having affected him significantly - nursery agreeing he wasn't ready socially or emotionally for school so he was held back a year. One of the diagnostic criteria for ASD is "persistent and significant difficulties with social interaction and social communication."
www.autism.org.uk/about/communication/social-children.aspx
He also struggles with transitions.
Plus he has quite a few sensory issues, bald spots and soaking sleeves aren't ordinary 9yo behaviour, plus noise sensitivity etc. so add that to the social difficulties he has and make the point that these aren't just new things, he's always been like this and describe what happens when he can't cope.
Also look for signs of him coping less well, he's at the age where hormones kick in and socially for that age group there are huge changes as friendships become much more complicated.

I think you have enough information to request an assessment from the GP.

Do you know about chewy 'jewellery'? It's for kids who like to chew, (sensory seeking according to his description, proprioception issues) there's loads of different ones available, some are more discreet than others. Google chewelry.
I'm surprised school haven't noticed and commented on something like his soaking sleeves every day.

Also look at getting him a knobbly cushion to sit on on his chair in the classroom, that should provide some sensory input.
Google sensory cushions.
It could also be worthwhile asking to see the school SENCO about that and his communication, some are marvellous and others are meh, but if you ask for SENCO to observe your son, she jolly well should may see something the teacher doesn't.

Your son exhibits a lot of the behaviours that our son showed as he was growing up.

We held him back from starting school as he was emotionally immature and had delayed language and no social skills. He couldn't cope with change and would have a melt down if we went home a different way or did something else different from the usual routine. He sat and sobbed uncontrollably the day the nursery school went on a school trip and there were no toys out to play with as there usually were.

He hated trousers, long sleeves and labels in clothes, and would take his shoes and socks off as soon as he got home. He hated having his hair cut and would take his shirt off the minute he got out of the chair.
Even now he is grown up he will only wear certain types of clothes, which all have to be loose fitting.

He would only eat a very bland range of foods, basically potatoes, fish fingers, sausages, chicken, spaghetti, bread, cheese, custard and cereal. The only vegetable he would eat were carrots, the only fruit, bananas.

He played alongside other children, always doing his own thing, rather than playing with them.He didn't make eye contact or conversation. He talked at people rather than to them. Consequently he had no real friends at school.

Over the years, he had obsessions, one after the other. We had Thomas the tank engine, dinosaurs, mini beasts, robots, polar bears and cats. He had to have the yellow pencil, the yellow balloon, the yellow cup, the yellow whatever, and there would be a meltdown if someone else got it.

We raised concerns about him from the age of three. We were fobbed off by various so called professionals. Experienced teachers told us there was nothing wrong with him, he was just "naughty/ awkward/lazy/rude".

Our son was finally diagnosed with ASD when he was nearly 8.