Really struggling with DD And transition home from school

[Tiredmum1511]

DD is 5, question mark ASD long term and hopefully in the process of proper assessment. She is in reception.

Leaving school is horrific. Entering school isn't great but better.

At the moment I am collecting her 30 minutes early from the office after someone finally put me out of my misery of watching an entire half term of me dragging her out hysterical every single day. The handover home is still horrific.

About half the time she comes out calm and we get to the car/home before the meltdown starts (in the entire first term we haven't had a single day without a huge meltdown after school). The other half when they bring her she is wired before she even sees me. Yesterday for instance upon seeing me she instantly starts running off, refusing to listen, refusing to cooperate and laughing. A teacher helped part of the way to the car and the meltdown kicked off massively in the car.

The day before on seeing me she screamed, laughed and threw her coat/dress off. Whilst putting her coat on she was biting, kicking, laughing and swearing at me. A teacher came to give me a hand but she continued kicking and headbutting me and generally refusing to co-operate. Meltdown started at school gate and in the end another mum helped me get her to the car. Weds she was off school, Mon and Tues was calmer.

This is happening consistently.

I (and school) want to get her back to being picked up with everyone else but the reception year block is round the back of the school so even further to manage to get her.

I'm convinced there is something making these days when she comes out like this the way they are. Initially the school person I'm working with said about needing to try and identify what is triggering her but we seem to be back to them wanting me to have outreach support to learn how to manage her behaviour as she is "absolutely fine" in school.

I think she is masking as I know for a fact there are things that happen that is well documented in her various reports that cause big issues that she doesn't even blink to at school.

I don't need help on how to manage her, I actually know really well how to manage her, what I need is her not coming out the way she is so I can at least get her home before the meltdown starts.

What on earth do I suggest for these transitions home?

I feel for you. We had a nightmare getting ds home from school last year. I was often trying to rugby tackle him in the playground.

Things that helped were bringing an iPad/phone in so that he could watch a screen on the way home, getting the school to use visuals so that he was prepared for going home time, carrying him on my shoulders, distracting him with food or drink, using a transitional toy and making sure they didn't do anything too stimulating at the end of the day so it would be hard to get him out of the classroom. These have all had varying degrees of success or would work brilliantly one day but not so much on another day.

To be honest we now use a SEN buggy for drop off and to pick him up and it is amazing. We have no more fights at the end of the day because he knows he's secure once he's in it. I think he also liked have the hood part to reduce his visual stimulation.

It's honestly breaking me and I feel like the onus is very much on how I deal with it at home rather than how she is coming out in the first place. I'm so exhausted, it shouldn't be this hard

I second the visuals. We had a lot of success with those. We use them for all transitions, works really well for us. Seems to reduce my sons anxiety as he knows exactly where we are going etc.

Have you tried something like a transition teddy? My ds loves spiderman. He has a spiderman soft toy that he slept with at night which i would put in his school bag. He knew it was a connection to home so his teacher would give him it 5 mins before home time as well as showing him visuals. Worked well for him and a number of other children in his class (sen school).

Do different people ever pick her up, does she know it will always be you? Does she ever go the after school club? Is anything changing on the days when you have the biggest problems? Just trying to think of any other variables which could be causing her anxiety. Of course the coke bottle effect could also explain her behaviour. If she isn't being supported during the school day appropriately she may be exploding after school with you her safe person.

In my experience, children with asd often 'mask' during the day and try so hard to conform that they are physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day and when they reach their safe person they meltdown. Somethings that have helped...
Take food and a drink
Have somewhere or something to do, at least to begin with, eg a cafe or shop for a magazine
A screen waiting in the car with head phones

School don't think she has an issue with transitions and that it's an attachment/parenting/home issue.

It's always me that collects. Same time. Same way. Even get her to the car is an absolute challenge which involves me beign hit, headbutted, kicked and her attempting to bolt in front of cars etc.

I'm going to suggest visuals and a transition toy

School don't think she has an issue with transitions and that it's an attachment/parenting/home issue

My dd is adult now, I had literally years of her primary school saying they "saw nothing" until I had an OT from the paed's assessment team go into school and have words. After that, school did the absolute minimum they could get away with, begrudgingly.

With the benefit of hindsight, if I'd have changed schools as soon as I knew they were convinced it was my parenting and wouldn't consider any other option, my dd would have had a much better education.

Whilst you're waiting for an assessment - it can take years so do make sure you have actually already been referred for one - can you self-refer your dd to a Paediatric OT for their observations for last lesson and hometime on a random day?
Some schools really need a professional to point out the obvious to them before they can see the problem, especially in girls that mask and that meet academic targets.

@Tiredmum1511 I feel for you, truly. I’ve been going through the same for the past year and it is demoralising and distressing! Things that have helped a little, like others have said, is a transition period that school do...a countdown 15 mins prior to pick up, with five minute interval reminders. I get to the class at 2:50 now (5 minutes later than at first) and blend in to the class so DD clocks I’m there...usually a few squeals and run aways first but I chat to the TA, interact with the other kids and any screams from DD I meet with a casual “5 minutes play left”...when it’s time to go the focus is on the transition toy “time to go, Tigger” and DD can be cajoled into shifting focus to helping this bloomin’ toy into socks, coat and hat, all the while talking about what he might see on the way home . Of course, there are days where all hell breaks loose but I’d say the countdowns, the blending and the focus on ‘next’ has really helped. It’s worse with an ‘audience’, it’s no better if she leaves when the other kids leave (though I’m going to try again in the new term just in case it helps that “everyone else is doing X so we are too”. Not striking up direct conversation on the way home has helped too...letting her experience quiet while getting pulled along on her scooter...just taking things very slow has helped. But when she’s like a banshee...(she’s a three days a week attendee)...it is exhausting just keeping up with a minute to minute gauge of how to play it today... is it a scoop and run day or a wing it day...it is inevitable to start feeling exhausted and I really hope school stop blaming you ( it is NOT you!!!) and start helping you instead. Hugs.

My dd really struggled with the transition home too.
She was at mainstream for reception and Yr 1 and then moved to a special school in yr 2. She is now in yr 4 and we’ve only just sussed what the issue was and we’ve analysed absolutely everything.
I kept picking her up early and was always really punctual but she would just scream as soon as she saw me.
After a lot of sweat and tears (from me) we’ve finally worked out that she likes to watch all the other kids go home first and when there’s just a handful left, she’s happy to come home and because it’s quieter walking to the car, she’s so much calmer. We’re about 8 weeks into our new routine and so far it seems to be working!

Thank you. Will definitely raise some of these suggestions. I feel like all I do at the moment is cry and the school are thinking she is like that 24/7 but she isn't it's only when she is in high stress situations.

I have never been so stressed.

I do think it's a bit worrying/disappointing that the school don't recognise that (a) transitions are inherently difficult and (b) the fact she is melting down on the way home and calm at school doesn't mean the problem is at home (likely the opposite actually).

Could you share this page from the NAS with them? Although I don't love the "Jekyll and Hyde" phrase it does point out that kids can be masking all day and then explode when they have the freedom to do so with their trusted adult. It also confirms some of the ideas above about distractions, visual schedules, taking away overstimulus around transitions, etc.
www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/school-home.aspx

I have got a good 12 months before we get some sort of assessment from the NHS so I have booked a private occupational therapy assessment over 4 sessions next month and am in the process of scheduling a private specialist social communication assessment for end of jan/start of Feb.

For me it's not about diagnosis but understanding her needs and hopefully the school understanding my perspective. Now the anxious wait for those appointments.

Is there something she tries to do? Run back in/swing on bars etc etc?

My ds wants to play in the school playground and I used to despair until a psych pointed out that he is dysregulated but masking that and using the physical activity to re-regulate himself. Once I realised that I could let him play for a while while maintaining a connection and soothing him and finally start counting him down to leave. School have been understanding and they don't rush us out. It helped me massively just to understand what was happening.

My DD aged 10 soon has meltdowns after school if a few things don’t happen.
We have to leave school immediately and go directly to car.
Her brother is not allowed to talk nor am I.
Once in the car she will eat her lunch and drink water ( she wont eat or drink at school).
If she eats she is ok but if I miss her eating window then she will have a meltdown and driving is dangerous for me.
She also has to k ow she’ll have downtime at home.
Sometimes she beats her brother so I pull over ASAP ( long journey home) and get him out safely and we wait until she calms down inside. We can wait a long time.

She has massive meltdowns before school as she is a school refuser. Once in she is ok.

She gets very overstimulated. She used to wear Boise cancelling earphones in the day and have a little tent to go in ( all kids could to read but her teacher encouraged her to to not get so over stimulated).
Sometimes an incident at school - what I consider very nice or cut to her huge is really unsettling her and agitating her on the way home from school and after the meltdown I often find out what happened.
She get anxious about homework.