Why does my DD lash out at me when I'm injured or ill?

[megletthesecond]

DD is 11 and if I'm hurt, vulnerable or ill she will kick and hit me. I'm rarely ill or injured tbh so it's rare that it happens but something in her cannot handle seeing me vulnerable and she lashes out at me.

At the weekend I slipped over getting out the car. The dc's got out and found me on the path. Mr Sensible 13yr old DS asked if I was ok and proceeded to get the bags out the car. DD started kicking me as soon as I got off the floor. I'm sure it's some flight or fight inner panic thing but I can't figure it out. I did gently try and speak to her about it later that evening and see if it was caused she was scared I was hurt but she just put her hands over her ears and wouldn't listen.

No diagnosis, the usual half hearted help (one to one chats) from school as she's perfect there .

Have to pop out so if anyone replies I won't check back until later. TIA.

There are a lot of possible reasons why she acted that way but I think it's different enough and serious enough to be investigated. I'd see your GP about it, on your own for a start, and ask for their advice.

I know I'm late to this but from a great distance over the internet, so heavily caveated, it sounds like anxiety to me. My dad does this to a much lesser degree - he gets cross with you if you are sick. It's just misplaced concern with him. But with my autistic child, any health things really hit her hard. Funnily enough she has just started to describe how confused it makes her, how she can't think straight and her brain rings. I am really hopeful that this describing will help with the obviously overwhelming emotions. And it really helps me to realise how incredibly difficult illness or accidents are for her, and likely for your child too. Hard though it will be, I would reassure her in very simple terms next time and move her away from you until she has recovered. She probably feels deep shame afterwards and so won't want to talk about it. Sounds really tricky though.

Perhaps it would make her feel better, if - even when ill or vulnerable- you indicated that everyday boundaries about bad behaviour remain firmly in place.

If she kicks or hurts you, there will be consequences - a phone taken away, time out etc. She is to apologise.

Unless she has special needs/is not neurotypical, or has some other developmental difficulty, 11 is old enough to understand that parents will occasonally have minor accidents, at which point their first focus - unless children are in danger - will be to pick themselves up and dust themselves down. Not being a baby, it is her job to wait patiently or help.

My autistic daughter becomes very anxious if someone in the family is ill. However the anxiety will come out as her being selfish. She will say "what about me? I'm I'll too, you know!" when she isn't ill at all.

She is worse if it's me as I am her safety net and it's frightening if her safe person suddenly becomes incapable of looking after her.

Lots of reassurance is required.

Plus my dd is petrified of getting ill as it means doctors/hospitals and they are scary places to her.

My daughter does exactly this! She is so tuned into me. If I’m tired on my period whatever she knows it. I think partly is a lack of her boundaries like she can’t feel her own feeelings and takes on mine, when I am ‘weak’ she is very anxious, anxiety makes her have a need for control and order and she will do this to have it. It does anger her to see me weaker as well as a parent I think she wants a solid firm safe base ( I’m a single parent). I’ve noticed the former I am stronger etc the calmer she is ( although I don’t order her about but for example if I am driving somewhere she is anxious I do k ow where so I give her information that I k ow what I am doing, if I fall over I’ll actually just laugh to try to relieve it but she does always like that of people are around watching. It can hard hard to not be vulnerable in those moments.

I believe it is an anxiety reaction. She has just got into the habit of expressing it in this way. Would she respond to you talking to her about times you are vulnerable? Maybe social stories ?

Thanks all 👍. I'm reading and thinking.