I need to talk about not talking

[WhyIsItSoCold19]

Hi all. I'm just writing here as I'm feeling a bit down tonight. A bit of background;

I have a 3 year DS. He's lovely, warm, kind (he shares skittles!) And I love him so, so much. He was a child we tried for, for 4 years just about and when I become his mum, I have never been so happy!

The issue is that he doesn't talk, not one single word. He makes plenty of noise but no words at all. He is going through an assessment for autism and has been since earlier this year. The professionals are thinking he is very borderline, may or may not be but we're getting support regardless which I'm grateful for. He is currently doing speech and language therapy as well. The thing is, with me and DH (mostly me) being with him a lot of the time and his SLT lady only seeing him once a week, it's all about training me to give him the tools to talk and that's a good idea and I'm so keen to do well. I just feel a bit overwhelmed by it though and worry I'll fail. I work 25 hours a week in a highly stressful job (mostly from home) and each night my eyes are literally stinging with tiredness. I feel like my brain never stops. I'm thinking about if I'm doing enough for him, I'm thinking about if he'll get to go to nursery in January properly (Mon-Fri afternoons) and I sometimes wake up in the night in a panic that I've been told he'll never talk and it would be my fault wouldn't it?

I probably make little sense. I also suffer from hemiplegic migraines which has just recently been found out about so medication is trial and error at the moment. If I get a migraine, I basically lose the use of my arm, I can't talk properly and my body gets pins and needles and I feel very confused. This is then followed by a bus drove over my head type headache.

I'm happy though. I feel happy day to day, just a little like I'm half failing/half exhausted. My DS is well behaved so that helps a lot.

Has anyone been in this position? Balancing work, possibly SN's child and their own health? I just want my boy to talk. It makes me cry sometimes that he doesn't. DH helps a lot. He changed his hours to spend more time with DS and he does a fair amount around the house. He's a good husband and father so the support is there. My inlaws and mum are also great.

If he's got to 3 and doesn't say anything, then he will have some kind of speech disorder. That is a medical condition and not your fault.

You won't 'fail'. As the SaLT says - it is giving you tools to help him. You aren't going to be 'examined' on everything she says. She will give you ideas and strategies that might help him. It is like anything you learn (learning an instrument, or learning to drive) if you can practice a bit inbetween sessions, then it helps, but the 'expertise' comes from the instructor / teacher / or in this case SaLT in the weekly time she is with your dc. You can't 'fail' at supporting him.

I'm thinking about if he'll get to go to nursery in January properly (Mon-Fri afternoons)

Why "if" ?
If you are working 25 hours a week, is he not already at Nursery ?

When he goes, he will get support from the Nursery staff too - the SaLT will give them the strategies and advice as to what might help him, so he will get all afternoon x 5 days a week's extra practice and support

There are many ways of communicating and your ds sounds wonderful. Nursery will help him and you try not to compare him just enjoy him. Accept help from family and friends that’s my main problem thinking I have to do it ALL myself.

Thanks both. @BackforGood no he isn't in nursery already. He goes to playgroup 4 mornings a week, my mil looks after him for a couple of hours then DH is home from work in the afternoon so I work my hours around these things. It's just daunting that there's no words at all

Whether your child talks or not it won't be your fault op! My ds is nearly 10. Didn't say a single word till 9.5 years. This wasn't my fault, it's the condition he has. The amount of time, effort and money we put into helping him communicate was enormous and still is.

All you can do is keep going. It's easier said than done but you need to relax, your just going to exhaust yourself worrying. My ds can say a couple of words now but can use a communication aid to make sentences. There are so many different methods of communication other than speech, all are just as valid. Makes no difference if my son tells me he loves me via his communication aid or verbally, it's still him saying it.

Your little one is still tiny, so much time to figure things out.

I really recommend you look up "Nurturing Neurodiversity" on YouTube and join the Facebook group. The lady who runs it (Faye) is lovely. Her older son Dexter is also 3 and also pre-verbal. It's a really positive site and very supportive group - lots of parents waiting for diagnosis there and sharing ideas and support.

Her son is doing really well with an assistive communication device (AAC: I think it's just an app running on an iPad but I'm sure she explains more in one of her videos) - that might be worth looking into for your DS - or PECS etc?

It is great that you are on the same page as your DH and both so accepting. That already puts your DS in a much better position than a lot of children developing differently to their peers.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to look up all that has been suggested. He is still young and I do think that he is only 3 and whether he may or may not be NT, we will manage and always do our best by him. @Biggreen87 did you learn makaton or any other non verbal communication to help your DS communicate? I'm thinking this might be an option over the coming months if he still isn't talking. Also, did you manage to toilet train your DS around the age of my DS? This is a step I'm looking to take. I'm not going to force it though. He seems to be showing interest in the toilet now.

@LightTripper we have an ipad so I will go and look up that AAC video then the app just now. Thanks for the ideas, I feel a bit more hopeful now that I know more about other ways we can communicate

We tried makaton but it didn't work for him. We had some success with pecs early on but again not a major success. Both are well worth trying, they work for many many families. They just didn't suit my sons needs.

He is a high tech aac user. He uses an ipad with software installed called proloquo2go (loads of other software/hardware options available). It has taken 5 years of teaching him how to use it but he can now use it to communicate on a functional level to get his needs met. We are still teaching him to say as much as possible. Essentially he has a grid with picture buttons. He creates his sentence by selecting the individual buttons and it is then read aloud by his 'voice'. The app we use has genuine childrens voices installed, a little boy called harry recorded the voice he uses.

Pecs, makaton, podd, high tech aac apps such as proloquo2go, lamp, snap and core etc etc. These are all alternative communication methods.

Toilet training for us didn't come during the day until 8, during the night has only happened the last 6 months. My son has a severe learning disability and autism which has made progress slower. He got there in his own time.

If it's any help, my daughter's friend at primary had a younger sibling that couldn't talk. The mother was a right pessimist and very hard going but I always tried to be supportive when she was always offloading that said child would never talk/communicate/make anything of their life and life was unfair blah blah yes I'm sure it was hard work but this child was a smiley giggly cheerful child at all times, and even from a few months old one could always guarantee a smile. We communicated by whatever means, so I knew when smiley child was sad or cold or whatever, and over time smiley child learned to communicate by sign language, and developed enough signs to carry on quite involved conversations. I had a great time when we went out for the day because smiley child could actually tell you a lot of things, one day I was dragged off at a petting farm to be shown where the hens lived where they slept where & what they ate and where they laid their eggs - all communicated beautifully. I always maintained smiley child would talk - and smiley child DID talk, turned into a proper chatterbox by age about 4 or 5. Lovely, but very late.

Hiya thanks for posting. I understand when you say you are down. It is really hard work when you sense that your child is not developing typically. I have been watching my DS like a hawk because he did not babble until he was 14 months. I got him into speech therapy (private) at 16 months and now at 18 months he can say a few words. However he is still behind as he does not wave, clap or point to show me something and HATES food😫. He does follow a point and brings me toys when he wants me to play with him and also has very very good eye contact. They wont assess him until he is older but I am convinced something ia going on with him and Im not just a neurotic mum. There is a book called "More than words" on the Hanen website. It is quite expensive but it is very good. Im also learning ABA therapy which is proven to work with children with ASD.

Your Ds sounds a lot like my Ds at that age. He didn't respond to Makaton at all but we made some big breakthroughs by using visuals to help him link sound and concept (basically used pec cards but were not as strict about getting him to bring them to us etc.) Also, if we were going out, I would give him a picture of the destination to hold in his hand (e.g Tesco) and repeat the word to him etc. I basically just took tons of photos on my phone and printed them off. He made noticeable progress in just a few weeks.

Another thing I was recommended was something called child-directed narrated play. I did just 10 minutes a day and DS went from having 3 words to over 50 in 8 weeks!
gooddayswithkids.com/2019/01/15/child-directed-play/

DS is nearly 6 and is verbal now. He still have difficulty answering questions and having spontaneous conversations with peers, but he's come on a lot and is still making progress. Your DS is still young and there's lots of time to go!

Hi OP, it's so obvious how much you love your son and how much you are doing for him. So chuck out the fear that you're failing him somehow.

Try Makaton or visuals, see if either work for him.

You need to take care of yourself, you may have a long journey ahead of you, and you and your DH are your sons greatest resource and advocates. So you e got to learn how to pace yourself. Decide what YOU want to do with him / give him in terms of time each week , and then work out how to make that a reality. If you love your job, find a way to make it manageable so you can keep doing it in the longer term. Keep investing in your relationship with your DH, don't let that slide (easier said than done!) Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself.