Worrying about autistic daughter's future

[imdoneone]

My oldest daughter has autism. She is high functioning. How can I deter her from having a “boyfriend” and have children and at the same time encourage my younger daughter who is neurotypical to have boyfriends?

m.youtube.com/watch?v=ABSWNlIa75Q&t=2517s
If you can tolerate the audio in this webinar you might get some really helpful feedback.
Personally, IMO, don’t deter her as this is likely to make her reluctant to talk to you about it in future.

Can I ask why you would want to? There are a lot of autistic parents out there. Obviously it's not the right route for everyone (my autistic daughter tells me she never wants to have children and I tell her that's fine because she doesn't have to, though she might change her mind later and that's fine too!) Are you worried because she seems very keen? Or has a boyfriend you don't trust? What are your specific concerns? I would focus on those: being autistic isn't in itself a reason not to have children. If you want your daughter to think through the consequences and what having children might mean for her you could point her to some books by autistic mothers (e.g. Katherine May, Laura James, Rachel Lucas) or YouTube channels by autistic mothers (e.g. Purple Ella, Yo Samdy Sam) that she might be more likely to identify with and who talk through some of the sensory and social challenges of being an autistic mother.

Similarly, why do you feel the need to encourage your NT daughter? I was always very grateful that my parents never put me under pressure to produce grandchildren - it was one of the greatest gifts they gave me (and I did have children in the end, as did my sister: I'm sure our parents have a better relationship with both of us and therefore with their grandchildren than they would have done if they'd been constantly trying to steer us in that direction).

I suppose my thought is: can't you warn both your girls to think through all the consequences of boyfriends and children in the same way, and then let them make their own decisions? Sending opposite messages to your two children risks alienating both of them.

Why can she not have a boyfriend and children?

You need to tell us more OP. I have autism and, whilst I find relationships very hard work at times, I'd be devastated if anyone thought I shouldn't have one.

What are you specifically worried about?

Why are you encouraging your other DD to get married and have kids? That in itself seems odd.

I have worked with many successful people over the years who would have ramped it in for a ASD diagnosis had it have been around when they were young (in my era, unless you were Kanner autism you didn’t meet a diagnosis of anything, they were just seen by all as the different/weird/odd kids). All of these people are married with children. A lot of their kids have been diagnosed with ASD but due to appropriate management and supports are now also becoming successful young adults.

I have a young adult with ASD and I would never think to tell them they shouldn’t get married or have kids. I will make them aware of challenges they need to prepare themselves for in order to navigate these scenarios and encourage them to use appropriate supports but actively discourage them, nope.

Why do you want a different life for your autistic daughter as opposed to your NT daughter?

Do both girls not deserve the same opportunities in life?

Are you aware that many of the posters on this thread are autistic and mothers?

Not "This thread" I meant these MNSN Boards.

Probably also true of this thread, to be fair