How do I deal with the panic that I should have had multiple kids to look after disabled dd in old age but I haven’t

[worldsworststepfordwife]

Had her at 28 had dd2 21 months later a short gap as a conscious decision to help “bring dd1 on” I’d never thought about more than one child but felt I had to but my god it was hard with no family support

I thought “no chance” at a third I’d already had 2 decent spells in hospital I really believe they were triggered by overwork and exhaustion and my mental health is crap dreadful pmt etc

Plus I thought how can I keep churning out kids to tell them they only exist to be future Carers so don’t even think about careers or working and living wherever you want

But I know people who’ve done exactly that and now I’m 45 I’ve left it too late and I’m panicking. Feel free to tell me that I just need to get a grip lol

Look at like this - while I Hope DD2 and DS will take an interest in DD1’s care, like be Deputies for health and welfare, and appointee for her benefits; take her out on her birthday, etc; it is unfair to expect them to be carers. They should have their own lives with careers, relationships and children if they wish.

It is up to us as DD1’s parents to sort out the care for her life and get her settled, before we die - that way, she can phone us and come home for weekends, birthdays, Christmas, etc to ease the transition. What could be worse than moving to wherever the LA or CCG (in our case) put her, on the day of our death? It may be in your DC’s case that their needs can be met by independent living or supported living or even residential care - but it is better for you to choose the nicest you can find, than leave it to the LA!

Placements have told us that they have to support residents through the death of their parents, in just such situations where they have not spoken to anybody outside their family in decades - and they have to fundraise to fund the play therapy, etc needed, because LAs won’t fund it.

I hear you that was v much my frame of mind 15 years ago that by not spreading myself to thin I’d have the energy to make my dd1 the best most independent person she can be and that made more sense than struggling in every possible way bringing up more kids than I could manage to have a bank of siblings so they could all do their bit in the future

I can only think that it’s turning 45 I’ve put significance on that there’s no turning back with this decision. It hasn’t helped by having an unplanned conversation with dd2 14 recently were understandably she said she didn’t want to be responsible for her sister,

she’s a child so I totally get it but I said it’s my job to made her sister as independent as possible, but in the future she could well have to help with paperwork etc, then I reminded her too that she’ll probably be in her 50’s when this happens and will have a very different mindset to the one she has now

That seem to appease her I think she must think about being the only sibling to a child with a disability and it concerns her that her life might be restricted but she’s thinking of it in terms of her being a young adult not a woman well into middle age

The reality is, even if you'd had 5 more kids, there is no guarantee that the caring would be shared (look at how it works w elderly parents - I'm one of 4 and the only one doing any caring is me).

If you'd had another child then they may have taken on a share of the responsibility for your eldest with your ds2. Or they may have disagreed with each other about how to do it. Or your third child may have been disabled also.

Really, you made good decisions for the best. Dont second guess yourself now.

BarbariansMum thank you