kind mumsnetters please keep my in-laws alive this weekend

[Cappuccino]

I may well murder them

this is going to be long and I can't get online most of the day so sorry, am just blurting and running

but if you had any advice I would appreciate it if you would leave it for a poor desperate Capp

I love my inlaws dearly but it has always been obvious that they have found it hard to deal with dd1's disability (she has CP, is v bright (doing v well in mainstream school) but walks with aids and has some fine motor difficulties and some speech difficulties

anyway they have never really learned how to deal with her - handling etc - and have no real understanding of her difficulties. They play with her and talk to her but when dd2 was born it was obvious that they were far more comfy with the 'norm' - would take her out for walks etc

and dd1 loves them very much

but we were down there a while ago and fil told us that though he'd had his other two grandchildren to stay overnight, he wouldn't have dd1 because it was too difficult. She could perhaps go to my mothers instead (wtf? my mum is widowed and has them 2 days a week while I work - in-laws are both hale and hearty and live in a sodding bungalow). It was much easier to have their other grandchildren because they could 'just take them to the woods and let them run around' . In addition we had had a big row with fil the night before about disabled parking, which, reading between the lines of the argument, fil seems to believe is free not because disabled people need their cars, but because they are not able to make a good enough living

dh had a conversation with them and they said they would learn more about the disability but then they came for a weekend and they just didn't; they were the worst houseguests ever and we couldn't wait to be rid of them

now dh's family are very different to mine - we do confrontation and Talking in a big way. When dd was first diagnosed in 2001 we went there to pils for the weekend and they treated us like royalty - best china, lovely meals, lots of sleep, like a hotel - but the reason we were there was never mentioned. It's the way that they do things.

anyway to cut a long story, well, long, we are going down this weekend and dh says it will Come Up. There will be a discussion and I just want you to help me keep my cool because I will f*cking KILL them if I even suspect that there is a chance that dd1 will realise as she grows up that her own grandparents see her as second-class in some way

please anything, even breathing techniques, will be of value

ta

How awful, no wonder you are upset. I would refuse to see them I am afraid until they treated all of your children the same. So unfair. We face prejuidice on a daily basis without having it from our own families

I think you would be fully entitled to have a huge row and walk out if they so much as look at dd1 the wrong way. Grrr.

Having read that I'm not sure I want to....

to be honest I think it'd probably better if you just say what you think rather than spend the weekend fakeing politeness

oh I know, I know (hoorah! dd2 has fallen asleep and I have sneaked off to mn)

I could fall out and strop off from my own parents

but these are dhs, he is very hurt by this, and I don't want to make it worse for him

they really don't believe that they are prejudiced I think, it is just hard for them and they don't deal with emotions well

my mum is great and I don't want to upset him further; we both feel the same about the way they are being but I do want to be a bit more sensitive than comes, er, naturally to me

Capp, I really feel for you, my own parents obviously find nt DS2 so much easier to deal with than either DS1 or DS3, especially my dad, and I know it really winds DH up.

Like your DH's family, my family don't really do confrontation and Talking either - in fact we don't really do it at all.

I don't know what to say - I can completely see why it angers you so much but I can also see where your DH is coming from, it is hard to break the habit of a lifetime if you never challenge your parents about anything and maybe he (like me) is scared that if he ever did let go, he would say so much bad stuff to them that there would be no way back?

Just remember to feel secure in your position as MUM - in laws have little real say in things after all. Do what's best for your DH and children which may mean keeping quiet unfortunately (as satisfying as it would be to tell them where to get off!)

Hi Capp,

My DD2 has CP (diagnosed soon after birth) and is 7 months old. I was v depressed after she was born, so sad for DD2 and the situation, and my MIL said oh, is it some kind of post-natal depression . My PIL are v posh and have a stiff-upper-lip, don't-speak-of-it thing going on. My MIL even said "I can't see any reason why she shouldn't just make a full recovery" - even tho she's knows the diagnosis is CP. They just don't talk about real things together as a family, whereas I talk to my parents about anything.

If anyone is going to broach the subject I would think it should be your DH... But it's hard, and I feel for you and your DD. But PIL are from a different generation, when disabilities were hidden away... Do they realise that your DD's feelings are going to be hurt? Maybe they haven't thought it through? Could your DH broach the subject without it all kicking off?
Sorry not to be more helpful.

Does she have any problems apart from the CP, such as epilepsy?

Point out the good things about your daughter. My grandmother used to refer to me (in front of me) as "the blind one." It made me really furious. She used to ask if "I was better" quite often as well.... Along with "one day, there will be an operation..." She was too busy talking about what I couldn't do to notice what I COULD do.

There are plenty of disabled people who are more capable than sighted people, please don't forget this.

Sorry, I refer to normal people as sighted. I hope you understand what I meant. I get so fed up with people treating SN like it's a disease and should be gotten rid of/hidden, and that people who are able bodied are better. That's why I'm working so hard to try and change things

How did things turn out Capp? I hope everything is all right and that you're still in one piece..