Difficult play dates

[BelleBoyd]

Whenever we have my 10yr olds daughters friends over for a play date it is a disaster.
Also happens when she goes to other peoples houses for play dates and often just in a playing in the park scenario.
I don’t know if this behaviour is ‘normal’ or what. She gets so over excited it’s like she’s altered. She’s rude, oppositional, pushy. She takes her clothes off, she grabs and play fights inappropriately. She throws her things around. Basically out of control. And then after these episodes when it’s just us she slumps into silence. If I tell her off she blames her friends and cries. Often she says she hates herself. I just can’t seem to find a way to control or manage her behaviour. Am thinking of stopping play dates altogether.

That sounds totally exhausting and im not surprised that you're thinking of stopping.

Have you tried breaking it down into smaller chunks of time and setting clear expectations? e.g. Arriving at the park and having a chat for a min where you say how to expect her to behave and that you will check in with her in 5mins. After 5 mins checking with her and giving her loads of praise if shes been playing appropriately and giving her another 5 mins. If she hasnt been playing appropriately taking to her about what she could have done differently, resetting expectations and trying again. I try to do this with my son and it when it works it really works well, when it doesnt we leave. Its a lot fo work to begin with but we have got into the routine with it and i find it helps to at least limit the extreme behaviour because even by stopping to feedback, praise and give the next chunk of time breakes his attention and allows a little cool off time

Yes I think shorter times a good idea. She wouldn’t agree to stop playing to check in, she might agree if I threatened to go in a park situation but in reality she would run off refuse to come back and say she forgot any agreements.
Play dates at home I guess I could try and limit but hard when fitting in with other kids/parents..but will try or give them a rest for a while. She asks her friends over and asks to go to her friends houses every day. We only do 1 maybe 2 play dates a week-at home or at friends houses but I’m wondering whether she really ‘needs’ them iyswim?

@Mumofjustboys Really helpful idea about the 5 min check ins at the park, thanks, will try this myself