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Violence towards sibling

8 replies

PinotAndPlaydough · 28/08/2019 14:31

my daughter is still at the referral stage for asd, these summer holidays have been hell (I won’t go into the many and varied reasons why!).

Her behaviour towards her sibling is now spiralling out of control, today she’s left huge red and bleeding scratch marks down her chest. Every day she is violent or aggressive towards her she’s tells her daily she wishes she was dead, that she stupid, fat, ugly etc.

I just don’t know how to deal with this, she literally doesn’t care about any punishment I might give and can’t actually seem to understand why her behaviour is wrong. If I ask her why she’s done it she says “I hate her, I want to hurt her so I do”.

I don’t even know if I should be punishing her behaviour (it doesn’t seem very fair on her sister if I don’t). I’m at my wits end, I feel like I’m failing both of them, she’s almost 8 she should know this isn’t ok. Her behaviour in general has got so bad over the holidays I’m now really worried about her going back to school.

Any and all advice on how to manage this would be very welcome.

OP posts:
Hedgyhoggy · 29/08/2019 00:19

Have you discovered Yvonne Newbold? She has a Facebook group basics on challenging behaviour. No quick fixes but some of her ideas have been useful to me. She also messages back if you post her a question. Maybe your dd behaviour will improve once she is back in the routine of school. Can you make sometime alone with each of your children?

KissyThief · 05/09/2019 19:33

Is your dd able to communicate how she feels when she lashes out and are you able to anticipate a trigger for the behaviour?

Do you think it might be beneficial to have a bit of debrief with both lo’s after an incident?

KissyThief · 05/09/2019 19:50

I also think it’s important for lo2/sibling to hear from you every time that what your dd isn’t right, that you love her and to listen to how she feels about it. Maybe a journal would be appropriate?

AyeToIndy · 09/09/2019 20:31

I could have written that myself about my 2 eldest DSs. Does DD1 have a safe space? When my DS1s behaviour starts to escalate I (sometimes strongly) suggest that he goes to his safe space to work out his feelings either by getting his anger out however he likes or relaxing. I reinforce that using shared spaces at home is reliant on respectful behaviour. Sending him there isnt a punishment and i try not to use a telling off tone when i send him, ita just an opportunity for him to get himself back in line

OhDear2200 · 12/09/2019 22:50

pinot in the same boat and worried my NT child is going to get mental health problems from basically being bullied constantly at home.

My ASD child calls him ‘stupid idiot’ constantly, hits, kicks him constantly.

It’s so wearing!

OhDear2200 · 12/09/2019 22:52

Sorry no advice!

But one thing I know is that if I keep calm it is over a lot quicker when I lose it myself it makes the situation worse. Sometimes I can keep calm and others less so.

It’s so so so difficult!

Nettleskeins · 12/09/2019 23:29

My older child used to pick on the younger relentlessly, delibarately tease him. My younger child had ASD, and the older one had Dyspraxia. Looking back my advice is to set very firm boundaries. But that isn't the same as consequences or punishments for hurting the younger. That didn't work at all.

Basically the older one was attention seeking, and had his own difficulties and frustrations which he found a quick fix in attacking the younger. It seemed an uncontrollable and easy way to get the attention he craved or release his own feelings of low self esteem or failure socially (my ds1 didn't have any friends and the younger did)

What worked was to be incredibly attentive to the older one, try and work out what was bothering him, reassure him that he had lots of qualities, generally build his confidence, WHILST AT THE SAME TIME reminding him that the younger one was under my protection and I WOULD NOT ALLOW HIM TO BE HARMED OR INSULTED.

But how do you stop this you may ask? I would separate them or do separate things with them before the tension built up. Or if they did things together they wouldn't be competitive things or things involving choices or sharing juice for example or toys. So for example we never usually let them watch telly together, as ds1 would use that as an opportunity to get at ds2 with words. But sliding on slide or splashing in the water or silly play worked better as a bonding exercise. Lots of lots of time spent giving ds1 my full attention as so much was going to the second (who I adored - he was a very lovable character - ds1 less so - the SN in our situation was not the troublemaker but the victim)

I also found reading Non Violent Resistance very helpful later in reinforcing a lot of these ideas that I had in a hit or miss way been implementing. The idea that you can and should intervene whilst making conciliatory gestures and "reinforcing parental presence"

It is hard to explain it, I think it comes from looking at things from the beginning rather than just responding to situations, which of course is what you start off doing, why are you fighting, why are you being mean, don't hurt your brother? None of which imo, work, and the child hears nothing when you say this. Whereas staying with them and bolstering their relationship through "building blocks", perhaps a game like pairs, or squidging something, jumping on cushions. Anything really that builds self esteem and reduces frustration in the hitter and attacker, but that isn't the same as letting them get away with violence or aggression.

Consequencesof the punishment type tend not to mean much, and reinforce that they are the one with the problem, and makes the child feel worse and even more out of synch so to speak, which means the aggression can then escalate.

Sibling Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish is a useful book too. All this stuff just sounds like a chocolate teapot with what you are experiencing but you sometimes do have to start at the beginning. HTH. Sons are getting on well now as teens, but it was awful when they were 8 and 6

Nettleskeins · 12/09/2019 23:36

Family therapists can help a lot too, your LA may have a contact. But you want to aim for zero tolerance of violence, as otherwise it will escalate, believe me. But at the same time, there will be some root to your dd's violent behaviour, anxiety, jealousy, sensory overload...something that you can work with to reduce her reactions.

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