Help needed, is this Aspergers?

[Shitonthebloodything]

I have some concerns about my ds, 8 and could really do with some knowledgeable input. He's always been a bit 'different' but because he has moved schools a few times due to house moves etc the extent of his social problems weren't really apparent because I'd put them down to settling in. Here are my main concerns as they come to mind, not in any particular order:

• Overly competitive to the point of hysteria if he feels he's been cheated out of a win - which he usually does. We aren't a competitive family at all.

• very precise in his talking and thinking, he will correct your words etc if not exactly right

• trouble making and keeping friends, he will often not want to join in with other children even if invited as they aren't doing what he wants so he spends lots of time on his own at school or sometimes prefers to play with younger children. Sometimes if he tries to join in with a group he will be slightly out of step and struggle to judge the 'mood' of the group and annoy them, missing the mark instead of becoming involved.

• can be an easy target for bullying because he gives big reactions to them rather than ignoring/hitting back/anything else

• is always right. Always. Will correct teachers with absolute certainty that his way is correct.

• is utterly obsessed with technology, mostly computer games (he's not allowed online/chat based games, they're age appropriate) cannot seem to hold a conversation about anything else. He will monologue about this subject with no regard for the listener's interest or understanding. Will continue long after he's asked to stop or change the subject.

• has never been interested in toys or imaginative play

• is not affectionate and doesn't like to be kissed, hugged etc

• sensitive to temperature, will act like the bath is burning hot if it's slightly above Lukewarm. Thinks everything is 'spicy' e.g. he's recently decided that the ketchup he's always liked is spicy and will say plain foods are spicy.

• above average intelligence, reading age has always been more than 5 years above his actual age.

• doesn't seem to have any empathy. If I cried or hurt myself in front of him I don't think he'd react with any concern. He is incredibly over sensitive if he's ever corrected or told off but doesn't seem to be concerned about anything that doesn't directly affect him.

• appears to fake some emotions for example he'll make over the top facial expressions when he thinks he should.

• prefers routine and always likes to know the date and time.

I'm sure there's more but these spring to mind.

I have a meeting with both his old and new teachers when they go back and when I asked for it mostly because of his social skills his teacher seemed relieved I'd brought it up first.

Any help or direction would be so much appreciated. I'm not sure where I should be going with this and how a diagnosis would help him.

It sounds consistent from my experience/knowledge. Autism is a very varied thing though (Aspergers isn't generally given as a diagnosis any more: it's just seen as a bit of the broader autism spectrum), and there are as many ways of being autistic as there are autistic people. If you think these traits are making things difficult for him at school or at home it is definitely worth pursuing, whether he turns out to be diagnosably autistic or not.

You asked about how that would help him. Since DD was diagnosed I've read/watched a lot of autistic adults talking about getting a diagnosis and how much it helped them just to know and understand themselves better (even if it didn't bring many accommodations). At 5 DD is already getting better at self-care (taking herself off for a bit of alone time if she needs it at a party, or finding something calming to do if we are somewhere very overwhelming like an airport or party) and now we are talking to her about being autistic I hope she can learn even better coping mechanisms in the future.

Plus if school have a diagnosis it should help them to make accommodations that make his life a bit easier (e.g. at secondary often autistic kids struggle a bit with executive function/organisation, going from class to class). At primary or secondary help with sensory issues could be an important part of that (e.g. somewhere quiet to go at lunch/break, maybe lunchtime clubs for things he might be interested in (puzzles? coding?), use of ear defenders or sunglasses if those help, access to toilets with no hand dryers if he is sensitive to sound). Some understanding that he needs a reason for things and for things to be fair (where a neurotypical child might just shrug and follow instructions) will also be a big help if you get an understanding teacher.

It's also worth reading more about autism: a lot of behaviours may not be what they seem (e.g. an apparent lack of empathy may be more about not knowing how to respond, or feeling too anxious and overwhelmed to react when somebody is in trouble, or just being too engaged in something else and not noticing what is going on around you, rather than not caring). There is a recent book by Luke Beardon on Autism and Aspergers in Children that I think gives a very good overview (so far ... still part way through) and could be a good starting point.
www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-Asperger-Syndrome-Childhood-diagnosed/dp/1847094929/ref=asc_df_1847094929/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I also liked this article which links into what you said about monologuing and special interests.
thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-32/august-2019/me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism

And these two cartoons might also help:
the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/
erinhuman.com/2015/08/10/tendril-theory/

I'm sure there will be others along soon with older kids or later diagnosed kids who can provide more practical advice, but hang in there: even if he turns out not to be autistic he definitely has autistic traits and understanding them better will help you support him at home and at school. It's great that you are getting ahead of the curve by getting this all in place well before he goes to secondary.

Asperger's isn't used as a diagnostic term any more.

Benefits of diagnosis, this was for older people, but probably still relevant, particularly the posts from people whose parents were like the OP at the start.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3629648-to-avoid-getting-my-son-diagnosed?pg=1

Ask school for their observations then see your GP without your son. Take a description like the one above and ask if you can have a referral for assessment.
Waitlists vary by area, but 18 months to 2 years is fairly common.

Thank you so much, those responses are really helpful and I'll read the links.

Is a private diagnosis worth pursuing? Is it affordable?

We were lucky and got Dx through our local children's centre without problems (it took time, but I think it was sensible not to rush given she was so young and not a completely typical/clear cut case).

I believe it's expensive privately, and you need to be careful to get somebody who also does NHS Dx or it might not be accepted (but I don't know so much about this as we didn't do it ... hopefully somebody else will be along to advise).