Aspergers. Upset and confused . Please talk to me !

[thefootofourstairs]

Hi everyone,
Ds2 was diagnosed with atypical Aspergers when he was 13 , he’s 20 now . From the age of 10 or 11 things were pretty hellish for us all until the last couple of years when things have improved and we no longer have such violent meltdowns , ds2 has a full time job and is doing relatively well .

During all these years my brother has moved to Canada and due to his attitude I’ve only told him snippets of things that have gone on .
These last two weeks ds2 and my mother have been in Canada staying with my brother . I was slightly worried about how ds2 would be with this trip and I made sure I clued him up before he went and asked my mother to make sure he took his epilepsy medicine .
From What I can gather he has had a fantastic time doing all the things he loves . Fishing , mountain biking, swimming etc etc but the reason I’m upset is because my brother FaceTimed last night and told me he things the diagnosis is 100% bullsh*t ( his words) that ds2 has shown zero symptoms of AS and that he doesn’t believe he could be fine for 2 weeks and then suddenly display symptoms again . I don’t know what to say to him . On one hand I’m angry and on the Other I’m Questioning the diagnosis myself now !
I am also anticipating major meltdown after ds2 gets home tomorrow which is what happened the last time he went away with a friends family .
Any input greatly received .

I think your brother is talking rubbish.

My DD is only 5 but I never really saw the signs and there are still times that I think "is she really?". And then yesterday she went to a very loud children's party and spent the time in the corner happily arranging the pens into groups by colour and I thought "yup, that's my girl!"

People think this way because they don't understand what autism is (which is not surprising because I'm not sure even experts really know what it is - everybody just has theories). Most people (including me before DD was diagnosed) think it's some kind of alien illness, when actually it's just human traits, but displayed under different situations/conditions to neurotypical people. The whole terminology of "symptoms" is not very helpful in my view. Anybody might flap if excited, or organise things/line things up if stressed or to zone out/calm themselves down. But less often/under different circumstances. So are these really "symptoms" or just human traits displayed differently?

I'm not sure there is anything you can do to persuade him: is it an option to just stop talking to him about it? If he raises it you can just say "yes we're really happy, DS is doing so well" and move on?

There is a good community of autistic people online if you think DS may need some bolstering in his sense of self/identity when he gets home, if he's been masking like crazy for two weeks plus flights he is bound to be exhausted. If you start with the #ActuallyAutistic hashtag on Twitter you'll find every kind of autistic person you can imagine! Does he have to go straight back to work or can he take a few days to recover?

Thanks . He does have quite a few days off work to recover on my insistence !

Id be upset by my brother challenging me or my childs medical diagnosis because of spending a bit of relaxed time with him.

However, its not uncommon with AS to be able to pass very well , so its best to just remember your brother doesnt understand it or the complexity of it.

It might be also similar to the case in many asd families where ine family member insists all autistic traits are normal, when its actually because they have them too

I would wait until my son was home.

Then I would have a go at my brother with all guns blazing. Since when did he become qualified to diagnose ASD? How many years of medical school has he done? How many years specially studying Autism? Does he even know the steps that have to go through to get an Autism diagnosis? How many professionals are involved in the process?

What does he think Asperger's is? Rainman!

I would also tell him I can understand he wants to be in denial. Maybe he is worried in case if he accepts the diagnosis that means maybe he has Autistic traits too.

for you.

Your brother is a complete arse.

Does he have the medical qualifications to diagnose autism? No? then his opinion is not worth listening to.

Does he go around questioning other peoples' medical diagnoses? If not why not?

I'd also bet that your son has displayed a LOT of autistic behaviour while he's been there that you would have noticed straight away, but other people tend not to "see"

How many parents of younger kids post on here that their child is observed as "fine" at school but melts down on the way home and teachers refuse to acknowledge there could be a problem?
Older autistics can mask for longer.

@Branleuse hit the nail on the head with this It might be also similar to the case in many asd families where ine family member insists all autistic traits are normal, when its actually because they have them too

Your son is masking and yes, I'd expect to have to give him shedloads of recovery time when he gets home, meltdown, shutdown or whatever, the lad will need to process his holiday.