Am I being paranoid about my non SN child?

[fio2]

I braved my first M&T group today and have convinced myself that ds is slow and his development is not as it should be.

Does anyone else have fears like this for their NT child? I think i am becoming completely paranoid.

The fact he is sitting in the dog basket talking to the dogs about thomas the tank engine isnt helping!@

The day Ds talk to the dogs about Thomas the tank I will be so happy, at the moment I'm just trying to prevent Ds biting the dogs.

Dog basket and thomas the tank sounds completely acceptable to me. Ds2 puts shoes on his hands and insists on walking about with them all day...

I am constantly on the verge of breaking my neck, tripping over discarded shoes, because he has decided he prefers another pair.

Oh Fio, I thought it was only me!
I have started question "How normal" ds is, he is just 5, and I constantly think now, is his reading OK, is he doing what he should be for his age. As far as his teachers are concerned, I have heard nothing so far to back this up. My neighbour helps out at the school occassionally, and she has even listened to him reading. ( He rushes the words and guesses them rather than use his knowledge of phonics to spell them out!)
I feel that I am so tuned into dd's SN, what I need to do with her that "just Play" has been taken over with "play with a purpose" like in portage. I suspect ( and hope too -deep down) that I am just being silly and seeing problems that aren't really there!
Does that make any sense to anyone?

Fio,

I think I'm right in saying that we all have these worries. from the day ds was born I imagined all sorts of things weren't as they should be, the ones I remember being :- undershot jaw; couldn't lift his own head; his head was too big; abnormal penis; didn't crawl; couldn't use his right hand; wouldn't use his left hand; unable to feed himself; and currently can't get him dry at night, and he's deaf in one ear.

all that and he's only just 5. In every case the issue has resolved itself (except the bedwettting, and the ear which is apparently glue ear, wait and see). The trouble is that mothers do get competitive about this, and also we tend to compare against the one in his peer group who is best at something, rather than doing a fair comparison across the range. If you try, you realise that he's better than the others at one thing, worse in other things.

The paranoia is perfectly normal tho'

oh, and LOL about the dogs. If they're happy to listen why not use them as an audience?

My cavalier often hears all my grievances about dh!

I think telling the dogs about Thomas sounds lovely! (and lets fact it Thomas is so boring probably no one else would listen )

Seriously, I am sure that it it completely normal for you to have these concerns. God, most mothers seem to have them even when there is absolutely no reason for anyone to suspect their child has any kind of SN. And given that your dd has delays it is absolutely not surprising that you will be extra fearful for ds. I know that if I ever have more children I will be terrible.

NOw this is exactly why I avoided most M and T groups (eventually found a very small one with no other children ds2's age- perfect!)

Yes it is normal. DH had a HUGE row with his mother on holiday because ds2 wouldn't put his feet on the sand on the beach (kept saying it was "dirty"). DH had just turned to me and said "I'm pleased we know that ds2 is OK otherwise I'd be worried about him behaving like that" when his mother said "oh ds2 you are the strangest two year old I have ever met- never met another one who doesn't like sand" (hmm excpet her autistic firstborn grandson maybe) and dh just lost it with her.

Look at the overall picture- and don't underestimate the effect of copying. Part of the reason we sent ds2 to nusery at 2 was because he was copying ds1 so much. NOw he copies NT kids as well. Better role models. Anther thing I realised when we took ds2 out for the day by himself is that he has missed a lot of normal experiences. For example although he has been to the beach fairly often he's never sat and played in the sand (ds1 won't sit in one spot)- really just gone for walks. And I didn't know whether he would eat an ice cream cone or not (he did!) And he'd never been to a cafe for lunch with me and dh (he'd been a couple fo times with me by myself), and he'd never chosen a toy in a gift shop etc. It all has an effect- but I think they get lots of positive experiences from SN siblings as well. We are sure that ds2 is fine now, but have to go through it all again with ds3 next year! Watch out for Jimjams the paranoid mother.

HITC I am glad I am not the only one who thinks thomas is boring. The dogs make me laugh as they just sit there nodding at him!

I am SO glad I am not the only paranoid one! The thing is he does seem 'babyish' compared to his peers. i am hoping that going to nursery 2 times a week and this toddler group 2 times a week might push him on. Plus he starts 4 mornings at nursery after christmas which i am sure will help

I have got to stop analysing everything

fio, I've worried about dd1 as well - I went through phases of thinking she had ADHD, while most other people thought I was totally paranoid! She did (and still does occasionally) lots of spinning/hand flapping. There was one particularly bad spell where she had an IEP at her playgroup and was being monitored by a SENCO. She seems to have grown out of it mostly now, and seems OK at school. I think you are completely normal for worrying and the dog basket thing sounds like he's got a great imagination!

I dont know whther you feel like this Caroline, but I think the gentic counselling makes you more paranoid because you keep thinking 'what if it is genetic and I havent noticed with other child'

or is that just me?

God fio2, I could have written this last week! I had the mother and baby group here and I just felt that DD is more "babyish", my very word!! The truth is that its not just a fear but quite a possible reality when you already have an SN child and we have a HIGH genetic factor in DS's autism given the 2 other known family members on the spectrum but also possibly 2 others!! I keep telling myself that she's OK, her interaction and play are wonderful and these are DS's main deficits but the other toddlers just seemed so "sophisticated" compared to her!

Davros- how much does she mix with NT children? I can't begin to say how much ds2 has changed since going to nursery. A friend said to me today "I've never known a child's speech improve so rapidly" (and of course I thought- 'hmm sounds a bit autistic' )

I think if you have a SN child- especially if you have been doing ABA- you are so used to analysing every single thing they do that you notice things that otherwise would pass you by. I do it with other children as well. I see a 2 year old stop and stare at a light and I mentally say "uh oh" when of course lots of children will look at a light (I look at lights sometimes!)

If a child's role model (and a sibling is always a huge role model) is SN then they will pick up on some of the behaviour. DS2 hits his chin when cross (except he doesnt he stops just before it but the mannerism is there). My friend's ds bites his hand (again except he doesn't- he pretends to). But ds2 will also copy NT children as much- today he was playing with my 9 year old cousin and copying everything she did. Gradually NT will become a stronger influence.

I take her to Crechendo once a week for this very reason but, again, find that I think she's a bit different to the others. She's less passive and more adventurous without being totally uninterested like DS was (just wanted to play with door). The part-time nanny-type person we have takes her to play with a couple of other kids regularly where a friend of hers is nanny and she has NO worries about DD. Otherwise we spend a lot of time playing at home or going shopping etc. Unfortunatley, because of DS's needs I have a much shorter day than most of the other mums I know, my day finishes at 3pm as I have to collect him from school whereas the others are sometimes meeting up in playgrounds etc then (although not with winter coming). I meet up with Maomao now and then but not often enough I tend to find Crechendo a bit of an ordeal TBH, I think its too physical for her and not enough playing...

But I worried when ds2 seemed too passive (aways seemed a bit passive to me in his pushchair...) Must be what we are looking ut for (radar) The play with a couple of other kids is probably more relevant (as in how she interacts there) than something more structured like crechendo.

Yes, fio, know exactly what you mean - it's not just you! But my two are very very different to each other. dd1 is very lively and hyper, dd2 very quiet and passive, so somehow they don't seem affected by the same genetics. I think that knowing that much more about SN, certain behaviour rings alarm bells when it wouldn't in most people.

I am so glad it is not just me!

I am hoping that nursery will just take the paranoia off a bit!

I really feel for you as I would be exactly the same. I was in a reverse position in that ds did everything before most children speech and general development and then when dd was born I assumed she would be the same. It did come as a shock TBH but people were like oh you shouldn't compare but with dd I knew early on that things weren't right
I don't know how I would be if I had a nother child. The poor little thing would be constantly analysed!!!!