To expect my daughter to do this herself

[RoseMartha]

My 12 year old started her periods a few months ago. She has autism but at mainstream with support.

Since school holidays started she expects me to change her towels and to tell her when a change of towels is needed. If she has an accident she tells me it is my fault for not reminding her or taking her to the loo.

Before school broke up she was managing fine to change towels etc without help.

Aibu expecting her to change herself with perhaps the odd reminder during the day? She tells me I am a crap mother because I am not reminding her enough or changing her. I have explained that she is 12 not 2 and needs to think about this herself with the occasional reminder from me.

I appreciate she doesnt like the sensation of losing the blood as it affects the ASD issues.

Sounds tough. Is there some reminder app for her phone she could use?

Absolutely not unreasonable in the slightest OP. You will not be around her whole life, she needs to learn. Especially if she is able to do it some times but refuses at other times.

Hi there OP. We're going to move your thread over to SN Children as we think you might get some more targeted replies there from people who've been in the same boat.

If she's capable when at school. She is capable at home. Speak to her and say she needs to manage this herself as it's something she will be dealing with for the next 40 odd years.

If she has a phone set a reminder to go off every couple of hours, or when she will need to change towels.

Is her school support reminding her at school, so she isn’t actually managing on her then either?

My son, with asd, is very site specific, so he has to be taught to do whatever in each place. Schools a far more routine place than home, so her trips to the loo may have been regular times, even with signed bins etc that served as visual prompts. My ds1 was at mainstream with support too and they used to make laminated charts for routines, including toileting, that he kept in his bag. I stuck one up in the loo for handwashing etc.

Maybe it’s a holiday out of sync thing. Like at school. She knows she should change her towel at break time at lunch and maybe at lesson change etc But because the structure has gone during the holidays it’s gone to pot. What is she like when she’s on during the weekend during term time when again the structure is more flexible?

School days have regular and mandatory breaks when you would go to the toilet and change. The lack of structure at home means she probably wouldn't automatically think to go. Definitely some sort of external reminder is needed.

My DD has issues every month but will not talk about it, at least she is communicating, even though she's blaming you.

Thank you for your replies. At school she changes at break and lunch, so it could be as some posters suggested lack of structure.

Yes I did tell her earlier you have this for about 40 years. Didnt go down well just screamed abuse at me. I stayed outside kicking distance tonight as she was very angry about it and physically hurts me regularly. Did manage a small hug when she calmed down this evening.

School weekends was going herself and changing herself with me reminding her occasionally.
.

If she's capable when at school. She is capable at home.
Is she definitely managing at school, or is it just luck that she's not had an accident?
Have school put in place anything that you haven’t, e.g. a social story, sequencing chart to work through the steps for changing?
I appreciate you won't immediately be able to find out the answers, unless she is willing to discuss this with you.

At school she will have lesson change bells to help her keep track of passing time. As pp said, could you use a watch with an alarm to replicate this?

Is there anything about your bathroom set-up at home that might concern her e.g. privacy from siblings whilst changing or once the towels are disposed of?

Could she wear period pants with the towels as extra protection to save accidents?

If she's upset by seeing the blood, would she be better with black pads?

Give her some structure.
I can understand the losing it when you said "you have this for 40 years" lots of people aren't enamoured with periods etc. and if you have ASD something you don't like and can't control can be frightening/frustrating.
(Its why my reaction to the news story about putting off the Menopause for 20 years this week - was why would you want to.)