Who to talk to?

[vicimelly]

Need some advice about DD's carer at school. DD is currently in nursery and we've finally managed to get a one to one carer in there for her.
DD is physically disabled and incontinent, she needs someone for the changing, and to just generally keep an eye on her as she is very unstable and a slight bump will send her flying.
She's been with her carer for two weeks, overall I am very happy with her, she's a lovely woman has lots of experience, DD took to her instantly and I knew straight away she is someone I feel comfortable with in this role.
But now there are a few things that are bugging me and I'm not sure what to do about them.
Firstly my mum is a helper at the nursery and spends a few sessions a week in there helping out, she has told me that she has some concerns that DD's carer is "suffocating" in that she isnt allowing DD any independence at all and "babies" her a lot. My mum said that DD is not playing or interacting with the other children very much at all, as her carer is always telling her what activity "would be good to do next" not letting DD choose for herself or express her own preferences, and playing with her herself, which is good to an extent but I'm not happy if DD is exclusively only playing with this woman and no-one else.
Secondly DD said to me yesterday whilst I was changing her, "no-one knows I'm getting a new nappy do they mummy?" I told her they didn't, we were at home alone so the chances were pretty slim! lol But when I asked her why, she said XX her carer had said that she "doesn't want anyone to know that she has to have her nappy changed does she"
This has disturbed me somewhat because I don't want DD to become self concious or ashamed of who she is. I and she knows that she is more than capable of explaining to anyone adult or child why she has her nappy changed/cant walk properly, and I'd much rather she was doing this than feeling she has to hide it!
As I said before aside from these few concerns I am very happy with her carer and like her a lot. I feel that I have to say something though, as she is going to be a major influence on DD and will be with her now for the next eight years, but I am completely clueless as to how to go about this. I don't want to cause offence or come across as fussy and interfering, I know she has a lot of experience and I don't want to undermine that.
I wondered about speaking to the nursery teacher instead of the carer herself, but not sure if this is right either!
I need help! lol, what do you think would be the best approach?

TIA

Vici x

I definitely think that discussing it with the nursery teacher then the carer herself is a much better approach. If you go up directly it's just not the same and I think that if the nursery teacher deals with it is is going to be far more professional.

Do you have a Senco, that may also be a better approach!
Good luck

message withdrawn

Also wouldn't the carer then feel she was being watched by your mum and therefore feel uncomfortable. Just a thought!

Hi vici - don't really have any experience of this yet myself but wanted to reply.

I think I would probably talk directly to the carer, even though this may be a bit more awkward than talking to the nursery teacher. Otherwise it may be the carer will feel you 'hve gone behind her back' and I think it possibly more likely to take offence.

You are right - I don't think you can ignore this. However much you like the woman, she is looking after your dd and it is important that you are totally happy with the way she does things.

Do you mind me asking how old your carer is? It just strikes me that her attitude may be a little 'old-school'. I think many parents of children with SN now feel very strongly that their children should not be ashamed of who they are or try and hide their problems, as you have said about your dd. Whereas it seems from what you've posted that the carer has a slightly different view and maybe thinks it is better for your dd if her disability is 'hidden'.

As to what you say to her, I'm afraid I'm not brilliant at thinking of tactful ways of doing things. I'm sure someone else will be along later who is! I think I would maybe just say you'd like to have a chat with her about how things are going and then ask her things like 'how is dd integrating with the other children?' and see what she says. If necessary push the point a little e.g 'is dd initiating play with them' etc. You might need to be a bit more direct on the nappy thing. I wouldn't mention that your mum has said anything as again, that could put the carer on the defensive.

If you generally like this carer I'm sure you can sort things out. It sounds like she is very caring and maybe just needs a little guidance as to how you feel.

I would probably go for a general "how is dd getting on?" kind of chat with the carer. You can use this to find out a little more about the carer's attitude(s) and perhaps drop a hint or two. As dd is verbal then you can say things like "dd said this...." and not get your mum into any trouble either.

At dd's next IEP meeting (if it's fairly soon) I would bring up things like socialising with other children as one of her targets if possible.

I would have a word with the nursery to satrt with, then if that doesn't work, have a chat to the senco, or one of the professionals involved in your dd's nursery/statementing procedure. Your dd needs 1 to 1, but that doesn't mean she has to have everything done for her, and her ability to choose taken away. It sounds like this lady is a little overenthusiastic in her assistance.

Maybe what you could do is write a letter to the nursery, and ask them all to study it, giving and outline of what you want your dd to achieve, and what you don't want her to be doing?

Thanks for the replies, some good ides here

The worry I had as mentioned before was if I didn't speak to her directly she may think I'd "gone behind her back"
After much thought I think I will speak to her directly about the nappy situation, as this is more her side of things than the nursery teacher.
Then I'll speak to the teacher about DD's mixing with other children etc.
I don't want her to think my mum is keepin an eye on her! so maybe if I talk to the teacher about that then it's something she can monitor and if she agrees can speak to her about??
The carer isn't old, (can't remember who asked now!) She's in her mid 40's, so her attitude about the nappies shocked me too.

Still not quite sure what I'll say to her, but think I'll take the route of mentioning what DD said and see what reaction she gives?

This is all so hard! lol

Thanks for all the help

Vici x

Maybe write a little book with pics of dd doing certain activites and some well placed comments such as "I like play doh and trains and I am good at choosing what to do". Tell her that you and dd made it as a present for her
It sounds as if she is under estimating your dd's capabilites. I think I would mention the nappy comment as that shows how capable and aware your daughter is. You could just write out a sheet about your dd saying what she can do, which is a more direct approach.
Certainly don't worry about approaching her. She is there to work with.