Children you cant take anywhere, meltdowns/aggression, how did you survive? please tell me it gets better....

[staydazzling]

first of all hope u are all well in the holidays so far,... my 6 year old has complex SEN but has no help or formal assessment, he has LD, mentally, emotionally about 4ish id say, suspected ODD the word no triggers him hugely, hugely triggered by food, sensory issues re:food and shopping is a nightmare aswell, its getting to the point we cant go anywhere, and make all the allowances and still something kicks off, its getting to the point where i can see ys becoming prisoners to our home as its just too hard to go anywhere, which would be most unfair on elder children and of course him, im so depressed and low and im thinking now it will never get better. im considering attempting a private Dx as ivr got nowhere in years.

Look up PDA, offer him a "non-choice" choice rather than say no.
e.g getting dressed, 'Which do you want to put on first, trousers or shirt?
It makes him feel in control with having the 'choice', you are happier because he's willingly put on both pieces of clothing.

Also try and lessen any triggers, easier said than done when you're out, I know, but he'll not always react exactly like this to every trigger as he gets older.

Some things he'll learn to tolerate. If loud noises are a trigger, try ear defenders, if bright lights are a trigger, try kiddie sunglasses or in cooler weather a hoodie with the hood up. If he bolts yet refuses to hold your hand, use a backpack harness.

Read as much as you can about the things that trigger him and try any recommended interventions, everyone is different, what works for one child doesn't work for another, but good observations and a willingness to try different interventions can only help.

hes not accepting the non choice though and descending inti aggression and its becoming a safety issue, his main triggers are food and wanting to buy toys etc so yeah in todays world its a barrier to basically anywhere

I've had years living like this and looking back it was hell. He's near 10 now and life has become much more manageable. I never thought I'd see the day. A few reasons for this are:
I've become thick skinned and ignore other people's staring etc...
He's grown and matured and become more verbal so I understand his needs better.
We put him on medication (after lots of pain and guilt) but it was the best decision ever. He became less Impulsive and more amenable.
I know his triggers and tend to work around them with rewards, schedules.
Yes it's very difficult and yes it does get easier.
Use all the supports family etc available to you to ensure self care.

theres a little voice in my head that wonders if medication might have to be an option tbh, i have a severely mentally disabled relative whos just far more placid than them.

I'm just sorry we didn't start medication earlier. The older they are starting the longer it takes to undo behaviours learned from a young age. I feel if my d's was started on meds when he was around 3-4 we could have managed behaviours and had a better quality life. Rather than the chaos that ensued before medication were introduced. If you feel inevitably he'll need meds then start looking into it now. As it's a long slow process between appointments, assessments and yourself getting your head around it.

I really understand how you are feeling, mu little boy is diagnosed ASC and has bad anxiety which is from his sensory issues. He is just 4 and meltdowns can be triggered a lot when we are out, he has put himself in danger running or crying and rocking then going into himself where he does not communicate. I have a Maclaren major pushchair for him which I can get him into for safety although he does like it and take ear defenders with me everywhere. I have a shopping delivery from Tesco once a week on a monthly saver which is really cheap and take him shopping if he is having a good day but to smaller shops. I have learnt basic makaton so I can still communicate with him even when he is shut down and walk back roads where there are less people and traffic. I also use pecs cards but instead of now/next. It's called 'sons names day' so he can see the plan for the day. I have to stay in too sometimes but have found it a bit easier to get out if he understands what will be happening.

i totally agree jogalong, and can totally understand where you are coming from ive thought that aswell fs is nearly 7,so that window is shutting x

We have got to the point now (with medication) ds (9) can cope with being out the house for an hour, sometimes 2 but rarely, with a lot of planning and me being on edge looking for the “we need to get out of here” cues.

oh that must be very draining and exhausting for you sirzy, is he on the spectrum?, the worse thing is, i have a mentally disabled sibling who obviously too a large degree dictated where we went, i swore down that would never be me when i had realised my kids had SEN ive let my self down in so many ways,