This is long
Sorry
My beautiful 12 and half years Ds became suddenly impossibly challenging around Feb /March this year
He had gone through a lot ........bullied at the end of junior school, lost contact with his half brother a year ago, had to move from his home because his dad my ex husband lost his job .
Initially I thought it was just a transition to his teenage years ... withdrawn , sullen etc
He got in with a gang of older pupils at school, out all the time, stealing money from me . He is vulnerable and easily led . The senco at the school flagged it up to me . He was fighting at school, I am convinced he was smoking drugs as were other family members and Freinds. He gave up his basketball and skateboarding , was nasty to the children of family Freinds he has grown up with.
He began to swear continuously in public
He has always used art to calm himself .. he would draw in the evening if he felt anxious . He is talented but stopped drawing , if I tried to encourage it he would write swear words on the walls and furniture
I tried to encourage him away from these people , to talk and listen to him . Let him have lots of sleepovers at ours so I could monitor . I tried to build his self esteem
I booked to take him to a water park over Easter ..my plan was to try and deprogram him. I am on a low income but had managed to get him a place at a private school known for being pastoral and a bursary in principle
He refused to board the flight and kicked me at the airport . Airport police involved . My parents had him for a week to give me some breathing space.
He was aggressive with them ( he has always been close to them ) smashed up a TV set and pushed my dad over a table . They had to call the police out
His dad came to stay for 2 weeks which helped , he had him out cycling etc which gave me peace of mind as school had partially excluded him ( half days) and I work part time . We said we didn’t want social services involved , researched various programmes ( wilderness camps for troubled kids ) . I found a good male physcologist to help him ( he relates better usually to male teachers and historically babysitters, basketball coach , his old cub leaders ) and booked him in .
However we didn’t get as far as going to the appointments
In the 3 days after his dad left he set light to a carpet, held a knife to me because I wouldn’t give him a lighter and smashed up the flat several times . I had to call the police 2 nights in a row . I videoed him break down crying that he wanted a lighter because fire makes him feel safe and close to his brother again . I videoed it as I thought it would help the therapist to see
The police said “ this child needs help not punishment “ when I showed them the video . They persuaded me to have him put in temporary foster care under section 20 to get him the mental health help he needs
Fast forward 2 months .....
My son is still in foster care . He doesn’t go to school . He plays play station all day. He now has a tutor 3 days a week
He is completely isolated there ... 2 older long term foster children ( 17 and 25 )
I visited him in the placement 6 weeks ago . At the end of the visit he punched me because I wouldn’t let him have his iPhone . Social worker and foster father had requested I not give him it.
So then the next visits had to be “ supervised “ at the social service centre which couldn’t be a less autism friendly place .
At the end of 2 visits of the 3 visits he one time threw a bin at me and another slammed a chair over my head . On the other he was cuddling me and laughing and joking .
I send him clothes, books , vitamins , treats , photos , chatty emails
I FEEL AS IF I AM VISTING HIM IN PRISON
I was until last week video chatting or on the phone daily to him ... Just talking about video games, dogs, past holidays' tv programme should . I followed the advice of Cahms on how to talk to him and to ignore any swearing . We got close again , saying I love you and miss you etc
He told me how sorry he was for hurting me and his Nan . I assured him he was 100% forgiven and we love him . I sent him the child’s book “ no matter what “ which we read a lot when he was small to show him how unconditional my love is
He has had 3 Cahms initial assesments but no diagnosis has been made
He was taken to our dentist by the youth worker , he wrote swear words all over the desk
He punched my mum in the jaw when she wouldn’t give him an iPhone when she visited him
Initially social workers were good I thought. Now I really feel they put words in his mouth . I now have discovered my son is saying he wants to remain in foster care , and that I was aggressive towards him .
I was not .
He also said his dad hit him.
The social workers began, every time I made a nuisance of myself by asking for shorter , more frequent visits in a park or at the foster placement or chasing up his therapy to ask me if I was withdrawing my voluntary consent . Every time I said no .
His anger management doesn’t start until September .. I asked if my family and I could pay to get him private therapy in the interim
I asked if we could pay a child physcologist as he hadn’t seen one up until that point
I did make the mistake of once saying “ I don’t think this is helping my child , what would happen if I just go and get him ..?. “ .. he had run away from the foster home and rang me terrified. I asked the question , I didn’t do it or say I would .
Last week I was served papers by the local authority to attend court in 2 days time to have my parental rights removed . I thought I was turning up for family therapy .
Twice they had already cancelled the family therapy
They succeeded in court , we are back in 2 weeks , they want to extend this for 36 weeks
They say my emotional difficulties are making me obstructive . They want my medical records , hair strand testing , physcologist,ogical assesments on his dad and myself
I have legal aid , a solicitor and the barrister was lovely
Cahms apparently can’t give me feedback now I have had my rights taken . Nor can our Gp discuss him with me
Social workers won’t talk to me except by email . When they do they talk down to me
The foster father is a good guy and does talk to me . He says Ds feels shame and guilt
Ds hasn’t spoken to me since they told him they were taking me to court , except to answer the foster fathers phone and tell me to kill myself
I am heartbroken
Thankyou for reading this long post
Any advice or experience so appreciated