Really sorry but can I have a rant?

[sidge]

Why doesn't my mum understand how difficult it is going to stay with her? She is 250 miles away, I have 3 children and DD2 has SN.

We have to take so much stuff we look like we are going on an arctic expedition, we can't leave till after school/work on Friday and then have to head back home on Sunday afternoon. DD2 gets really unsettled with change and doesn't sleep when we're away, and my mum's house is not really childproofed so I spend my whole time following her around to make sure she is safe, and doesn't break anything!

It's bloody hard work, and when I tell her how difficult it is and we can't just "pop up" for a weekend she gives me a hard time. Every phone call I have with her she asks when we're going up there. It's just non-stop pressure which makes me kick against it and not want to go at all.

And when I say that life is rather difficult with the children she says "yes, I know, I had three too you know and I managed". Grrrrr!!!

Sorry, I had to unload and I thought you would probably understand . Thanks for letting me rant!

rose tinted memories of the past eh... Is there some brilliant reason why she can't just come over to you?

She does come to us occasionally, but seems to have this obsession with us going to hers too. I'm not sure why, I think she likes to be seen as the Hostess with the Mostess (she's not, we have to ask her if we can make the children some dinner!) and likes to be seen with her family around her. All for show in my opinion but that's a whole other thread!!

Sounds like it'd be pretty hellish.

Your mum's being selfish.

Don't put yourself, or your family, especially DD2, under the pressure.

my mum is exactly the same .. down to the same lines ... sympathies

don't go .. we go once or twice a year now

Thanks for the understanding, I was wondering if I was being unreasonable as this is my mum, and most other people I know get on great with their mums but mine just gets on my nerves!

I suppose we go up once or twice a year but that isn't enough for her. She even used to give me earache for not visiting after DD2 was born - DD2 was on oxygen and my mum smokes

it makes me so cross with the pressure and constant digs but I know I need to grow a backbone and tell her to eff off. My priority is my family, not her, but she doesn't seem to understand that.

I would sit down with a calendar and schedule in, say, two weekends when you visit her and maybe 3 or 4 when she visits you (dcs birthdays, perhaps?) Then it's all set out and everyone knows where they stand and you know you've done everything you can. It's down to her from then on.

You're not being unreasonable.

I think if you're going through that rigmarole even once a year, you're doing good!

Little you can do about mum's attitude, though, sadly.

That's a good idea Katelyle; I'll suggest that.

It's going to get even worse next year though as my DH goes back to sea (he's in the Navy) so I'll have to do it on my own!!

Thanks Wuxiapian, it's nice to hear I'm not the only one thinking like this!

I'm a great believer in finding ways to minimise guilt! If everything's on the calender you don't even have to think about it and if she mentions it you can say "Oh yes, we're seeing you on the 29th aren't we? That'll be lovely" the talk about something else.

Tell her that if you're coming to stay she needs to do a) b) & c) to the house to make it safe.

We don't stay with anyone as I have yet to find a house safe enough for ds1- although we are going to in laws next year and they have been given a list of jobs to do (window locks, making sure doors can be locked from the inside with removable keys, escape proofing the garden etc). They were fine about it, but we have been clear in the past that we can't go to places if they're not safe.

Although we do get the 'oh yes we know what its like because we had children' line a lot, and there is NOTHING guaranteed to make steam come out of my ears faster. I had a counselling session on it (seriously!) and do manage to keep the blood pressure down a bit more now and shrug it off a little more easily, but I can still be found chuntering and muttering so many sympathies/

no you are NOT being unreasonable.
As for your mum smoking. DD didnt visit FIL,s house until she was 15 months, she had severe asthma when she was newborn and was in and out of hospital, i got majorly slagged off but i didnt take her down, i used to be in tears about it but they chose to smoke.
Now if we take her down, i will only do it on a nice day so we can sit in the garden so we havent gone down for a while.
all the other grandchildren stay over, well mine dont.
the only way that worked for us was to be very firm and strict and when they started saying yes but blah de blah we used to say im sorry but R has XXXXXXXX and im sure you understand how careful we have to be.
its awful isnt it being made to feel guilty for something that cant be helped.

You are not being unreasonable, OK so she had 3 children but did she do a 500 mile round trip with them in a weekend with no sleep trying to make sure they were safe?
My late mil was very ill when ds2 was a baby I was critisised by some family members because I wouldn't take him into their smoke filled house but fgs he had chronic lung disease & spent the first few months on oxygeon youa re absolutely right to put your children first.

gess - how old is your ds? What contitutes a safe house?

DS1 is 8. A safe house has locks (that he can't open! so preferably locked with a key) on every window. Preferably double glazing (as he climbs up and leans against the glass- defiitely has to be double glazing where he sleeps) & all external doors to the house lockable from the inside with a removable key (ie we're concerned about keeping him in, not out). A burglar alarm that can be set to go off if he starts night wandering is a good addition, and then obvious stuff like medications locked away.

My mum is just like this but she had 4 kids and well I only have one!! and she knows exactly what it's all about My son is severely autistic and just like Gess's needs to be in a safe house which in the case of most of our family is ok, they have little (or no) ornaments which they dont mind moving, dont mind clearing dangerous things away, locking doors, blocking areas ETC. but NO my mums attitude is that she didnt move them/it for any of her other grand children so she wont for him, frankly she has every surface and window cill jammed to the brim with clutter, plants and millions of ornaments so it would take forever to clear them anyway. She is also a seamstress so has needles pins and scissors all over, both my parents have lots of medical conditions so they have a big bag of pills and potions lying around too. There is just danger everywhere and I have to be like the bionic women on speed to keep him safe.

It's all just too much tbh and is WAY to much stress for me and stimulation overload for ds so I told my mum the last time I went there just before xmas that I wont be visiting again so she will have to come to us (found out shortly after xmas I was pregnant so also have that too)but I would have stuck by it either way because as you say I have to put my family first and if she doesnt like it (which amazingly she has never said) then as mean as it sounds TOUGH!!!
so dont be ashamed or feel bad, stick to you guns

sidge,
Your mum says she had 3 kids n coped but how many of those had special needs?
I found with both my mil and to a lesser degree my mum did'nt want nor feel the need to 'accomodate' my daughters sn very much at all. i was always moving stuff around so she could get around in her w/chair. I understand that their houses won't be w/chair accessable everywhere but still found visits stressful. When my inlaws moved to a 2nd floor flat from a house i couldnt hump my girl up a flight of stairs as she got heavier sooo they had to visit me .
As for parents that smoke when a child has asthma or lung conditions NO EXCUSE i'm a smoker but go to the garden or stand in back kitchen with window open when at home. To smoke around a sick child is just selfish.

Thanks for making me feel better about it!

I know deep down that I am not being unreasonable but it's funny how family can make you feel so stressed isn't it? If it were friends that were being like this I could deal with it but as it's my mum it is so much harder.

Salsmum- that's my point exactly when she says she had 3 children and coped - I tell her well maybe, but you didn't have my 3 children. The smoking thing does my head in as well, I refused to see her when DD2 was on O2, and since then have asked her not to smoke near us. When we are up there she either goes outside to smoke, or in her room, but when we have all gone to bed she smokes in the lounge and when we get up in the morning it stinks. She just makes me so angry as she doesn't see it from my point of view at all, and has also told me before I am far too uptight .

Do you think I can divorce my mother?

Oh poor you. It's mad really, yes she managed but she didn't manage to cope with a child with Sn's and have to deal with the pressure and prospect of a 250 mile journey did she! Perhaps just expalin that she may not mean to but she's upsetting you a little and yu would love to see her soon when you can manage it.

I THINK THAT THERE IS A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF 'REBELLION' ON YOUR MUMS PART WHICH I THINK DOES TEND TO HAPPEN WITH PARENTS OF A CERTAIN AGE .
ILL PROB GET LYNCHED FOR SAYING THIS BUT I THINK THAT AS THEY [PARENTS] GET OLDER THEY CAN GET A LIL BIT SELFISH TOO! AND EVEN THOUGH I DONT DOUBT FOR A MINUTE THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU THEY ALSO DONT SEE ANY REASON WHY THEY SHOULD CHANGE THEIR WAYS TO SUIT YOUR SON. SO MUM DIGS HER HEELS IN AND OF COURSE, IT WINDS YOU UP.
I DO RELATE TO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING AS I'M SURE MANY WILL AND YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHY, IT CAN'T BE MUCH FUN DRIVING SO FAR WITH GRITTED TEETH LOL.
READING YOUR PROFILE THOUGH I THINK THAT IF YOU CAN RAISE 3 KIDS 1 WITH SN AND HAVE TIME TO BE A NURSE AS WELL YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT PRAISE.
I THINK YOUR MUM MUST FEEL VERY HUMBLE AND HELP YOU MORE.
WELL DONE!