Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)??

[MumOnMyOwn]

Hello, I believe my 9yr old (almost 10) son may have ODD. He displays behaviours described with this disorder. He has moments where he’s so defiant, angry, borderline abusive, and won’t let up or leave me alone. Often unusually angry and irritable. (He can’t articulate why he’s angry) Frequently loses his temper and is easily annoyed. Never had issues at school and his dad doesn’t seem to have issues. I’m a single mum and his dad is in Navy so he’s always away. I’ve not told many people about the borderline abuse, only my sister who doesn’t live in the UK. Although not diagnosed, I believe he has anxiety and is also currently being assessed for dyslexia (which is taking ages!!)
Not many are familiar with ODD. I feel talking to my friends may be helpful to offload, but I’m tired of hearing it’s just hormones and normal behaviour. I’m desperate and need some advise please.

Hi, My son is 9 and we are going through this too. His outbursts are uncontrollable. I'm not sure how to handle him at all. I know this is more than "just being bold". He doesn't want to act like this. Like you, I don't tell anybody. He doesn't defy his teachers, only us.
I know he's acting like this because he is anxious. It's come to the point where he is scared of so many things and situations. I want to help him but he physically abuses me and shouts the worst things he can think of at me. I am generally a patient person but still it takes everything in me to stay calm.
If I get angry it makes things worse.
Every day he wakes shouting at me. Every thing we do/place we go there will be a massive fight, shouting, physical struggles and tears beforehand. It's so difficult.
I don't have any answers.
We are in the process of having him diagnosed. I just want to know what's the right way to parent him.

I think in the UK it's not given as a stand-alone diagnosis but can be added to diagnoses such as autism? Reading about Pathological Demand Avoidance might be helpful, and the excellent book The Explosive Child. Good luck.

@Lemonade11
I hear you! Whatever it is, it’s reassuring to know we’re not alone. Just this very morning he had one of his episodes - it’s all my fault as always. Even if I stay calm, I’ve done something wrong to provoke him. I feel for you and sounds like it’s constant battle for you. Why us? It’s fruatrating that my son is as good as gold at his grandparents and never has moments with his dad, but saves it for me. I contacted the wellbeing service and he’s on a waiting list. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’m also going to record his behaviour for his dad to see what it’s like as I do t think he understands the intensity. You’re not alone @Lemonade11

Thanks @jackparlabane for your message too.

I work with autistic adults and I’m familiar with PDA.
ODD is linked to anxiety. Apparently the earlier you identify it the better. It’s about breaking the cycle. My friends keep saying it’s hormones. It’s not. He’s shown signs for years.

It’s impossible to diagnose a child over the internet, but this is an interesting post in the Guardian Education pages:

“As a remedial literacy teacher, I've worked with many pupils who've been in a fog ever since they started school--the failure to provide enough over-learning for their needs has left them bereft of even an understanding that letters represent phonemes. Their school days are an unrelieved purgatory of boredom and humiliation that no amount of kindness or treats can relieve. They will be given a shiny new diagnosis of SEND that does little but increase their feeling of alienation.

However, I alway tell these children that if my teaching confuses them, I'm not a very good teacher. I take them right back to the beginning, practising basic letter sounds with flashcards and teaching them how to form letters correctly. And surprise, surprise, they are very easy to teachsuccess is a word they've never known before. Once they can hold their head up in class, it's amazing how their behaviour problems disappear. Likewise, it's rare to find a pupil with behaviour problems who has adequate literacy skills. Sadly, the profession has got it the wrong way aroundpoor behaviour is more the consequence than the cause of poor literacy skills.”

From:

www.theguardian.com/education/2019/jun/11/ending-exclusion-specialist-teachers-trained-support-vulnerable-schools