Running out of options and really don't want to send my son away

[Louloubelle78]

My son is 8. Diagnosis HFA, ADHD and Conduct Disorder. He likely to be permanently excluded after today's behaviour. I have been trying my hardest to find another school. I find an amazing independent school. He goes for the taster days and they come back saying he is too complex. I have found one other school to try. If I get the same response again, there is literally nowhere else for him to go. I feel like the only other option is then a residential school. I think he is way too young. It would break my heart to see him go and I think it would be really detrimental to his mental health.

I know this sounds really selfish but I can't go back to home schooling. I have given up my career and retrained so I can work at home. I already feel so lonely and depressed. He is clever boy and I can't teach him. I don't want him just festering at home and getting no support to help him with his issues. Financially the situation is dire as I try to launch my new business. His Dad pays zero maintenance despite earning a salary that looks like a phone number. Financially I have lost everything I have worked towards and built up before he was born. Sorry this bit is just relevant as I am just never given the opportunity to work properly. I have to be able to run to the school at the drop of a hat.

One day while I was at my wit's end (actually this is most days) I mentioned boarding school. My partner ( not his Dad) seems to have booked onto this and raises it all the time as the answer. Think he just wants him out his hair. It is hard work and my partner hates seeing me so upset so I see where he is coming from but it makes me feel so angry the way he keeps going on about it now.

I literally just don't know what to do next. Nothing about how serious this situation is lands with my son. He just keeps on with this horrendous behaviour and can't appreciate how much I am doing to try and get him sorted out and in a school that can help him. He just keeps buggering up every opportunity I manage to fight for.

Sorry I am really frustrated and upset about the situation. I know he can't help it but I just find it all so overwhelming and neverending.

I'm not really an expert, because I haven't had to deal with the work aspect as well as ds's SENs...BUT, I do know that home schooling turned ds2 around, and what had been complex needs became less complex. He was out of school for two years, one of those years, he had part time tuition at a very small tuition centre which specialised in learning difficulties, and he was beautifully behaved there. And it was only a few hours a week. But he learnt focus and study skills and how to enjoy being in a classroom with a few other students.

I don't know if your son is on any medication for the ADHD. There are various threads about this if you search on Mumsnet.

There are also a fair number of threads where anxiety is mentioned as one of the reasons ASD and ADHD children misbehave at school, and the frustration for them of being asked to do things they cannot, and that overflows into home life.

When you are a square peg all day, conduct disorder tends to follow. Whereas a child is away from the place that doesn't suit, some of those aspects of his behaviour may improve, AT HOME, with you, and it won't be "festering".

Ds 2 spent a lot of time outside running around, and meeting children from families where there was a mixture of ages, in a non judgemental way when he was home educated. We didn't do that much formal work, but a little, just to get his confidence back (he was dyslexic)

When he went to the tuition centre he did a lot of art, which previously he had disliked for sensory reasons. And enjoyed it.

He went back to mainstream state school in a much better state of mind, although he still needed support (we organised an EHCP when he was out of school)

8 is a really difficult age, and it seems to be when the developmental lag really shows, other children are beginning to obey orders and focus at lessons, and your child isn't and isn't communicating in an appropriate way with other children, so socialising is very difficult for them, and frustrating. they get left out of games. Their confidence is so low. For us, home ed built up ds's confidence, and stopped me needing to wait for him to come home and explode, because he stopped exploding!!!

Your partner seems to be particularily insensitive here, what he needs to be doing is support you in whatever decision you want to make, and above all to support your son in your home, not want him out of it. But if there is a school that does suit and there ARE weekly boarding schools; certainly NT children go to them...

I wouldn't have wanted ds to go one; building the bond between us, helped his behaviour, whereas sending him away would have created a new problem, our relationship might have suffered. In a funny way, going through that difficult period together has made me in an expert in how to help ds2. and he has come out the other side more independent and better able to deal with OTHER people.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that home education might give you more time, if it was structured in such a way that you got some time off - perhaps asking the LA for a budget to include some 1:1 tuition or sports classes. I don't know about this tbh, but if you can find a very expensive placement and argue that is the only thing that will suit, it might pressurize them into giving you a budget for educating him at home. I found that presenting the LA with a very expensive alternative concentrated their mind onto other less expensive means of providing ds2 with the environment I wanted him to have..(In ds2's case, extra funding for mainstream that I wanted him to go to, which refused to take him without the extra funds )

I worked before I had children, and I intended to work after having them, but tbh when ds2 was 6, any attempts I made felt like bicycling backwards through mud, his needs meant I couldn't work at the job I might have pursued. I had some spare money, but it is certainly true that ds2 has scuppered any investment I made have made in my own career. However I don't think of it like that, I think of it as an investment for better or for worse, that I made in HIM, and the other children in our family whose lives were affected by his behaviouir.

Thanks so much for those detailed thoughts. I have already home schooled him in between two different school placements. His behaviour at home is definitely manageable. He does take medication for ADHD and you are right about the anxiety aspect of school. He is currently excluded and I work from home. I literally had to leave him at the dinner table working by himself all day. I need to work as I need the money, especially after giving up a career that was well paid.

My partner and I had a long heart to hear last night. He is a really good man and even he realised how what he was saying sounded insensitive. He said he was going to support whatever decision I wanted to make and not to worry about money etc.

I have no back up childcare and being at home with my son all day was very lonely and it affected my mental health quote badly.

I had an ABA programme part time home and part time mainstream school. We worked with a not profit company who provided the supervisor and 1:1 staff. He went to their centre and had sessions at home and in school with their staff going into school with him (they probably wouldn’t put into school until behaviour improved). We had it funded by council as ordered by tribunal. It was a wonderful programme and team and I miss it now he’s in specialist secondary. He would not have managed school without it. The staff were so well trained and knew him inside out and had backup from senior staff immediately if problems arose. Although the problems actually reduced massively. I know ABA doesn’t work with all children the same and my son didn’t have ADHD. I managed to hold down a part time job but the programme did require commitment from me eg he was home in between morning and afternoon sessions / needed transporting / I had to be in the house for home sessions. However I was never called to collect him unexpectedly because they could not manage him so it was a predictable schedule i could slot work into.