AIBU to feel so mortified and embarrassed

[WasIstHierLos]

im definitely BU to post this now, eight before I plan to put the phone down and attempt to sleep.

I have two DDs. One in primary, one in secondary. My primary DD has attachment order and hasn't been at her school that long but they know about this disorder which is a start.

Today I was called into the classroom at the end of school to be told that before three extra incidents today, Three different parents have been in to complain about DDs behaviour.

She hugs everyone. And grabs them and behaves inappropriately. This will be outing for me but I don't mind the parents seeing me writing this I guess. She has been telling a male friend that she wants his baby. She is nearly eight.

Backstory is that we are survivors of domestic abuse (her dad) but unfortunately the damage was done before we got him out of our lives, and it's left my little girl broken.

Attachment Disorder presents very much like autism. Specially sigh DD because she has other needs like sensory issues, auditory processing issue, dyslexia. Her sister is being assessed for autism and adhd which I have both of.

But the problem I've got is, I don't know who has complained, I can't face anyone, I'm embarrassed about her behaviours (they've now split her from playing with the boy, and she also apparently is excluded by the other children from playing because of her grabbing and hugging). I've been told to look up attachment disorder but I've already spent a few years on the therapeutic parenting group and read the books and asked questions.... It's an exceedingly difficult and draining condition to cope with and we are all touched out constantly, my eldest doesn't get a look in, and I have compassion fatigue.

My sleepers are about to Knox me out but I needed to put this out there. If I'm not back in the early hours I'll be back in the morning.

If anyone else has been theough/ is going through this. I'd appreciate the solidarity.

AIBU. Feeling this level of emotion? It's pretty much the end of my tether. I love her but we all have to walk on eggshells round her.

Oh OP...I think you'll get far more sound advice if you post in Special Needs. There are others there who are coping with the same stuff.x You can report your own post and MN will move it or just post again in Special Needs.

You sound like a lovely Mum OP.
I understand why other parents have 'complained' as they probably do not know what your DD is coping with and your DD's behaviour alarms them.
This is no help to you or your DD and I hope the school teachers have enough empathy, understanding and training to deal with your DD sympathetically.
I hope you get the help you need. I also think this is better on Special needs board rather than AIBU.

The adoption boards are full of wise people with experience of attachment disorder, perhaps try posting there.

for you and your DD

So sorry that you are all going through this. Time and appropriate support will help your daughter overcome these issues. I know its difficult but try not to be embarrassed, your daughter has additional needs she's not a monster. Dont lose any sleep about who may have complained. They may not be malicious it could just be out of concern. I had to talk to a teacher many years ago about a boy that was constantly hugging my son but I didnt hold any animosity toward the child or his parents, in fact I thought he was quite a sweet boy but my son had difficulty coping with his behaviour. I hope you get the support you need.

I only wanted to post to say its clear you're doing your absolute best, and that you have already clearly done your best by her. Hopefully posters experienced in this come by morning, but i wanted to say you're a good mum, you can only do your best and in the years to come your kids will appreciate it

Once you have a proper plan in place, the stress should decrease for you. It’s the chaos that’s doing your head in, isn’t it?

I hope you can find professional help for you and your DD. I know how difficult it is to find (and afford) but I wish you the best in reaching out and fingers crossed. A diagnosis is only the beginning, yes? Coping alone can’t be the only option, surely?

I don’t know enough to advise OP but I have sympathy for you. Of course YANBU, it sounds incredibly difficult and like you’re giving absolutely everything you can. Try and remember that, although they’ve spoken to the teacher about your DD they don’t necessarily think badly of her or you. And if they do then they have no idea of the reasons for her behaviour.

Thank you. This has helped me feel better. I tried posting in the special needs forum the other month and no one replied so I aibued myself. Thank you all, for your kind words. I really needed to hear them to💚💚💚

You are not being unreasonable to have any feelings at all--but unbow your head, sister, and know that there are those who see you and your child with kinder eyes than you do at this moment. Parents of special needs children and those children themselves may be easy to judge by outsiders who do not know the struggles that they face, but life has a way of delivering humbling lessons to the haughty. And there are many people who do understand the great responsibility, as well as gift, it is to have a child who is "different."

I agree with other posters. If another child behaved like this to my child at school, I may go in to speak to the teacher if my child was upset but I wouldn't necessarily be complaining. I would probably think that the other child had some additional needs and also try to explain to my child that this may be the case also. I would be mentioning it to the teacher just to let them know to keep an eye out, I certainly wouldn't want you to feel embarrassed. I doubt she is the only child in her year with additional needs or displaying behaviour like this. Do you feel able to maybe mention your daughters needs to any of the other parents, maybe one who is kind and understanding? There have been children in both my children's years at school with various needs that have affected development and behaviour and once people know, they are generally very understanding. The kids have often been very protective of them if it's explained well. I know you may not want to and probably shouldn't have to explain to others but it may help you and your daughter in the long run.

Don't be embarrassed. It sounds like you have all been through a lot and you did the best thing removing their father from all your lives. You sound like a nice mum so don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel emotional where your kids are concerned...parenting is hard work at times especially when you've been through difficult times.

Is sounds very hard and probably feels very personal but If you look at it from the other side if it was another child doing this and it upset your daughter you would probably talk to the teacher aswell but it wouldn't mean you thought badly of parent or child would it? Are you getting any help? Do the other parents know about your daughters difficulties ? would you be happy to tell them so they had a better understanding ?totally understand if you would prefer not to. Good luck and I hope you feel better today

Agree with PP

Parents have spoken to the school (as they should if they become aware of this behaviour affecting their children) but there may have been no complaints as such. Just observations and an expectation for the school to handle it. People probably have more compassion for you than you realise.

Attachment disorders are so very hard to cope with. Im glad you are doing therapeutic parenting, and would recommend that NAOTP if you are not already a member, and then see if you can join a listening circle. Its very tough to do this alone. I would imagine that with your own diagnosis, it is doubly so.

Please reach out to others to get support from people who will get it. Ask your school to understand attachment - point them to Beacon House for some very good resources. Good authors also include Amber ELliot (why cant my child behave); Sarah Naish (A-Z therapeutic parenting), Bryan Post (great behaviour breakdown).

You could also look at youtube, pinterest and facebook for TParenting ideas - I like Christine Moers (Youtube); the post institute on facebook (lots of videos on a variety of issues you may experience) and a number of blogs links on Pinterest giving you a sense that you are not alone. ALso self care is super important and you need to actually book yourself some time to take care of yourself - plan it in, even if its 1 hour a day to get outside for a walk.

I completely understand how you feel about others complaining. It's humiliating and embarrassing and like they are kicking you when you're already down because their perfect children are inconvenienced somehow (I know that's not really true, jut how it feels)

My ASD son had a tough time recently at school and a parent put a formal complaint in about him to the school and the school used it as the ammunition they needed to keep him in indefinite isolation (in a subtle bid to get rid). He managed a couple of weeks and then hasn't been back to school for 8 months as he threatened to kill himself. He won't be returning to school and he's only 8.

Sometimes people just don't think their actions have consequences and parents helping children understand that some children struggle with what they find easy would go a long way.

@holdingonbyathread that's so sad and I hope something better comes along to help and that he isn't pushed out like that again.

The teacher actually used the word "complain" when she told me.

I've got a book by Sarah Naish, I used to be on the therapeutic parenting facebook group but I don't do facebook anymore. It messes with my mental well-being.

So I'm very familiar. And I've personally messaged the parent of the boy she said extremely inappropriate things to (the mum hasn't replied but has read it. So now I'm wondering if she even knew about the situation). And I've put a post up on the school yeargroup thingy where other year three parents can see it.

I doubt the complaints were malicious. But the teacher really put the fear in me. I just wish that for once, I could be the parent whose presence lights up the face of the teacher instead of the opposite.

Just realised I'm posting under a new name, I don't mind though. It's me, honest.

It took me ages to locate this thread because I reported it to get it moved but then couldn't find it. I'm a Muppet.

Really, thank you all so much. I didn't expect to receive so much support (and not because I originally posted in aibu either, haha). Thanks. If I get any updates I'll try remember to.come back.