Toilet training and nursery

[RaaRaaeee]

My DS 3 1/2 awaiting ASC diagnosis, has been potty training past couple of weeks, we took the plunge to just put him in pants and it has really paid off.
The problem is the preschool where he attends three morning a week 8:30- 12:30. His communication with others is very poor when he is there and he has also been grabbing and pulling other children recently which of course is a big concern.
He went there before the Easter break in pants (we had only been training a few days at that point) and it was a bit of a disaster- he wet his pants once and also pulled his pants down and peed in the corner- after this they said he is not ready and to send him in nappies.
Over the Easter break we continued at home- he has got to the point now where he can go out with us all day, no accidents. Still needs lots of prompts but starting to just take himself to the loo when he needs, and also going straight away when sat on toilet (was sitting for ages) and something seems to have just clicked.
Problem is, I spoke to preschool about it yesterday. They still insisted he is not ready at school. I spoke to the senco and found her really patronising- she spoke about another little boy with autism who was with them the previous year who didn’t complete potty training till before school (my son starts school sept 2020) and just kept speaking about how he is not showing signs he’s ready.
I know school is a completely different environment and I’m not denying it won’t be much more difficult in that environment where it’s so busy, he may need extra provision (regular toilet breaks when it’s quiet for example) but feel like they just don’t want to know. They said we needs to address his other problems first as they are the priority. Moreover, he had a wet nappy when he got home yesterday, I put him straight back in pants and he pooed (we haven’t had a poo accident in weeks!) so feel it’s really sending mixed messages..
Any suggestions? I’m going along with what they want (nappies at preschool) but to me it feels wrong..

That sounds like a frustrating one. My DD's nursery wanted them potty trained when they started at 2.5 but we tried and it was a disaster. I would say she was still having accidents at 3. I do think sometimes they can be fine at home but can't keep track of it in the busy environment of a nursery. Personally my inclination would be to stick with nappies for now and then talk to nursery about transitioning properly at home and at nursery over the summer, so he has a full year pre-school out of nappies? Hopefully by then they can get on top of the pulling etc. so he's only got one thing to think about/work on at once?

Frustrating when you have pretty much nailed it at home though, I know.

Could you talk to the SENCO (or the head if you find the SENCO unhelpful) and make a plan that you are both happy with along these lines? I agree it's going to be really confusing for your DS if he's in nappies in nursery but pants at home. Maybe pull ups could also be a compromise in the mean time, and try to get him to go to the toilet rather than in his pull up at home - and try to get nursery to take him for a toilet break e.g. hourly while he is there? If he can then show he is keeping the pull ups dry, everyone can be happy with him moving on to pants?

Thankyou for your advise and taking time to reply LightTripper, I think your right we all need to be singing from the same hymn sheet to avoid confusing him so will have to compromise on a plan everyone’s happy with. I don’t want to overload him whilst there, as obviously the grabbing / pulling other kids needs to be addressed.. It just seems a shame tho when it’s going so well at home 😕.. the other problem is we have been using pull ups for a long time and he treats them like nappies and we were getting nowhere using them xxx

But you have proved he is ready so I think they are being very unfair. Is it a school nursery? Would it be worth speaking to the head? I would be worrying it wasn't the best setting for him if he is struggling so much he can't transfer potty training to there.

Does he have any extra support there? A My Plan? Any input from outside professionals?

The setting should be supporting what you are doing with regards toileting (especially as you are having such success at home). They should also sit down with you and discuss a plan that ensures consistency between home and school...so for example if you or they would use any visual supports, you would use the same ones, any reward system would be consistent, language and routine etc. This is especially important if he is being assessed for an ASC.

I would be pissed off that they are using other children as comparisons, ALL childten are individuals, develop in their own way, and need support tailored to their needs.

How are they supporting him wrt the pulling and grabbing others?

It’s a stand alone preschool, so I could speak to the manager, there’s no head as such. As I said I wasn’t very impressed with the senco at all- when I tried to talk to her about it, it was like she was implying i was in some mad rush to potty train him (which I really haven’t been) and I always get the feeling they think I overestimate what he is capable of!! ..with the pulling /grabbing they are keeping a record of when it happens to build a better picture of potential triggers, they said they don’t think it’s malicious but wonder if he is trying to get others Children’s attention (as he only really talks to adults) and have an advisory teacher who has been in to observe him once from the local authority who is coming out again, also they are trying to apply for 1:1 funding for him.
Today when I picked him up, they said they changed him once mid-morning and his nappy was dry, but when I got there he ran up to me (all the other children were listening to a story and he was sat in a another corner reading on his own bless him) and told me “I’ve done a poo in my nappy” . We have then been at a children’s farm all afternoon and he has been using toilet good as gold. Uhh.. feeling fed up about it.

Hazeyjane they have made comparisons a few times with this other child and yes it does piss me off!! Xx

We started potty training (2nd time) my ds with ASC at 3.7 so it absolutely can be done if they are ready. How ridiculous to say he can’t because another child didn’t until later

The good old i met a child with autism once and they did this so your child must be the same! Ds is 9 and we still get this regularly.
Sounds like your ds is doing great op! Put your foot down you know if he is ready or not.

If he is just wearing a nappy at nursery it may be worth googling upsey daisy pants. They feel just like normal underpants/briefs but have a discreet washable built in pad inside. These might help with nursery and give him more awareness that he is wet without the mess of normal underpants. That way he is wearing briefs at home and nursery.

A visual aid may help with him asking for the toilet if communication is a problem at nursery. Is he aware he needs to go or reliant on being taken regularly?

Thankyou everyone, I will speak to them again and be assertive about it!
They are going to have to support him, as I’m sure he will need extra things put in place to help him with it while he is there. I know it may not go as smoothly there as it has at home. As people have mentioned visual supports is a very good idea (I haven’t been using this any at home, but he may really benefit from this at preschool) and again a consistent approach with what I’m doing at home is going to be really important. He does need prompting and to start off with probably taking to the toilet (especially at certain times like after lunch) but they can’t just say no because it’s a hassle for them, I don’t think that’s fair on my son and it’s holding him back!!
Creamegg I have googled those pants and will get some for when he goes in- they look great!
Xxx