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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

I'm about to give up :(

13 replies

FirstGenPoet · 23/04/2019 14:27

Hi. I'm new to mumsnet so I don't really know if this is the right place to post, but I'm hoping that you can help me. My son (Thirteen) is severely autistic and I can't cope anymore. A month ago I took him to the cinemas with my husband, we had to because we couldn't find a babysitter etc we don't have respite etc, and to keep him occupied I let him play on some games on my phone, hoping that he'd be alright. Well, he had a meltdown because, bless him, it was too overloading etc and I really felt bad but I just don't know what to do. I can't go anywhere without him asking to go home repeatedly, he shouts all the time and all he eats is bloody chicken nuggets, it's costing us all a fortune and I'm actually considering whether or not to put him up for adoption. The thing that's stopping me is that I'll feel like a crap mummy and that my son will obviously be scared and won't cope. I don't know what to do. I want to do what's best for him, but at the same time, what's best for me. Any advice? Might try and get some rest now, sorry if this is long Sad

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Original poster
FirstGenPoet · 23/04/2019 14:46

I can't watch a single bloody minute of corrie or this morning etc either, he'll keep demanding for me turn it off and put what he wants on and then he might not even watch it, he just wants what he wants and I can never do what I'd like to do Blush

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notgivingin78910 · 24/04/2019 04:29

Hey Op, welcome !

Has he always been like this with outings ? If so, what did you do then ?

Call the social services disability team and get the carers assessment- tell them you desperately need RESPITE.

Maybe look into the ABA for eating and the outings.

How is his school like ? I cannot comment on adoption- but if things are really that bad and you can't see an alternative. I'd look into specialist weekly boarding schools- where your DS comes home from the weekend but spends the week boarding at school.

notgivingin78910 · 24/04/2019 04:31

I would stop giving in to what he wants. That's why I suggested an ABA therapist. But to start with, I will use an 5 min sand timer and tell him, I will watch this for 5 mins then you can watch xyz... and build up the time gradually ...5...10..15 minutes.

DerbyRacer · 24/04/2019 08:05

I am the opposite to previous poster. I give my ds everything he wants/needs. And then eventually he becomes less anxious and actually can accept more of the every day things I want to do. So if my ds wants to stay in , we do and eventually over time he has become quite accepting of going out places. But there is usually a compromise, if it is the supermarket he chooses which one. My ds eats the same foods all the time, we have agreed what he eats on what day. I gave up watching TV years ago. My ds can not tolerate me watching it so haven't seen a soap on years. I watch things after he is in bed

I know it sounds like I don't have a life but it has given my ds a good life. He has not had a meltdown in years and is becoming a lot bit independent now. With all the anxiety and daily battles gone he is able to focus on school work and he has got into art now which is something he never did before. Now he will draw in his room I can start watching TV again :)

DerbyRacer · 24/04/2019 08:11

I think my ds only wants to see things he 'knows' on TV. I don't understand why, but he can't cope with unpredictable things be doesn't know being on TV. He is like that with the cinema. He gets very anxious at the cinema. I would definitely recommend attending a support group that's where I got most of my help and I found an occupational therapist to be the person who really helped me understand my ds. Ha e you seen an o/t?

Original poster
FirstGenPoet · 24/04/2019 09:24

Hi. He's always been like this but it's gotten worse as he has grown older. I used to have to take him home and give him some space, we don't go out often but I just thought I'd be able to have some time with my husband for once Wine I have heard of aba and I've considered it in the past but I'm worried that people (Eg the autistic community) will think I'm bad. I have suspected aspergers in myself though so I'm sure it's alright Grin are the rumors true? I've heard that aba therapists harm the children and abuse them Shock he goes to a special school which I'm alright with at the moment, I don't think he'd be okay with a boarding sort of school, he's got bad separation anxiety and hates to be away from me, so school is bad enough. If you search up 'the chapman family' on YouTube, he's a bit like that. Confused

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Original poster
FirstGenPoet · 24/04/2019 09:31

Derby Racer, that's a good idea. I should try that. Again with therapy, I would so do it but I'm just really scared of other people judging me Hmm he goes to see a dietician which is helping, every now and again he might try a bit of chips with his chicken nuggets but he won't like it that much Confused I remember a few years ago he was hooked on eating fish fingers, maybe with some mayonnaise. I don't know where that went. I'm sure it's healthier than just chicken nuggets. Might try and get him into art, though. You never know, he could be a savant in abstract painting Grin

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notgivingin78910 · 24/04/2019 17:16

ABA has its trials- but I've seen it work very well for behaviour. Read about it- talk to other parents, if it's not your bag, then don't do it.

All these people (the Autism community) that your worried about- are they taking care of your DS ? Are they clothing and feeding him ? Are they going to deal with any challenging behaviours when he gets older ? If not, why are you worried about them ? Honestly, the Ones, in the Autistic community, that speak up for our children are the ones who are very very high functioning and are able to function to a degree. I do not think they speak for people severely Autistic Adults or children. But that's another thread.

Defo look into the OT. Respite could be a good thing, you can get someone to take your DS out for a few hours a week. Honestly, if we don't look after ourselves, we cannot look after our children.

Original poster
FirstGenPoet · 24/04/2019 19:06

notgivingin78910, Thank you! I looked into it and it sounds helpful. How do I apply?

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DerbyRacer · 24/04/2019 21:04

Don't be scared of other people judging you. Once you find people who understand because they are in the same situation as you it will give you a feeling of support. I found a support group that really helped me. It was nice to not feel alone any more with my problems. Home was ok it was school that was my problem. The people at the support group really helped me.

I got to see an Occupational Therapist through my GP. One who ran a special sensory clinic who helped with sensory issues

wizzywig · 24/04/2019 21:06

Isnt it too late for aba at that age? I thought it was for preschoolers only? It sounds so tough op. I know ill be in the same situation in a few years.

Original poster
FirstGenPoet · 24/04/2019 22:12

Wizzy wig, I hate to sound ironic but we must be optimistic! I searched about the aba and I think I'll be able to do it because of my son's severity etc, there's even aba for adults Confused

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wizzywig · 26/04/2019 12:26

firstgen absolutely agree, anything that keeps your spirits and inner strength up needs to be considered x

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