How much to intervene in social settings with possible ASD 3.5 yr old?

[FurryCat1978]

This is probably going to sound like a dumb question but I was just wondering what others do...My DD will be 4 in a couple of months and is currently under referral for ASD diagnosis. She's a chatterbox at home but out and about is generally mute. Sometimes she blanks people talking to her completely, other times she will spin, writhe or move away from them. I don't want to talk for her but feel sometimes I should be, or at least explain in as brief detail as possible why whoever it is isn't getting the expected response, I don't want people to say "oh she's just shy" as I can't stand that label entering her head! Sometimes I will coax her by repeating a question that has been put to her, sometimes I say she finds talking to people hard...I'm finding it quite alienating, especially in a playground setting or meet ups with other folk. Any ideas? Is there a good go-to line anyone had used? I don't want my girl to feel bad for not engaging, as she obviously finds it really hard...

In this situation I was taught to speak for them. So if someone says "hi DD, have you been to school today?" say "hi person, yes DD has had a lovely day at school today" or whatever.

The idea is you model an appropriate answer for them - they don't have these social skills to do this for themselves, so they feel anxious. But if you consistently model good social skills for them, they may pick up the correct sort of thing to say and may have the confidence to answer for themselves eventually.

That's really helpful, thanks so much!

I agree with RaveOn and would also advocate teaching that there are certain 'standard' responses to 'standard questions' - so she can have a 'learned response' ready for a "How are you?" type question that is a phrase people will often open with, even though they don't even necessarily want to know, so "Fine thank you" is the 'correct' answer at this point.

Thank you for adding to this, RaveOn. I think I'll make a simple story book about it. The social stories are good aren't they. I've noticed how much quicker DD picks things up through stories so will use it to our advantage for this. Thanks again.

I'll be taking the advice above.

For specific thing to say instead of "she's shy", with my NT little one we used to say "she's just having a moment" or "she's just warming up" and let her hide behind our legs as long as she wanted. However my autistic son is very sensitive to anything that might be interpreted as us apologising for his behaviour so I'm not sure if this is good advice.

The other thing we did at that kind of age was pretend conversations with soft toys (E.g. Panda is sitting in DD's chair at breakfast time, what can we say to Panda to ask her to move?) Silly but fun and it helps practise conversations in a very low pressure and familiar setting.

I still speak for my ds and he is 10. He is usually ok at talking to people when he is expecting it. So he can speak to his friends at school and at home and to relatives. But if it is someone unexpectedly speaking to him when we are at the shops or out somewhere he can't seem to cope with that. I am not sure if he will ever change

This is all so helpful as my DS does the blanking thing too!