That feeling when you discover your child is being bitched about by other parents in a secret FB group

[Catoninetails]

I just want to wrap him up and keep him with me forever 😭

He's 8, in mainstream (against my better judgement but LA have been refusing to consider anything else, though I suspect the screenshots they're getting this morning may make them reconsider). He has ASD and severe sensory issues that cause high anxiety and frequent meltdowns in school.

Other parents, under the guise of 'concern', have been swapping tales of how awful he is and claiming their DC are scared to go to school and that the school are handling things terribly (I'm not even arguing that they are lying, I can believe everything they say tbh but he's my baby, he's a sweet lovely boy with huge challenges but FFS he's my baby and it's awful to see people say stuff like that about him). I've been sent screenshots by a disgusted friend who tried to point out the other side and the horrible inappropriateness of their bitching but got nowhere.

I don't know whether to wake him up for school or not. I don't want to go back there ever again tbh, not now I know how people really feel about him. I'm fucking devastated.

WWYD? How do I handle this? I've got about an hour to devise what to do....

appointment with the head and show screenshots. Ask for a meeting with the other parents. If not, then confront them after the children have gone inside.

God the playground mafia

I don't know any of the other parents, DS starts later and finishes earlier than the other kids so I never get to meet any of them.

And tbh it sounds like they're angry with the school more than anything, one of them kept saying that if she was DS mum she would be furious with how the staff were dealing with him - apparently they shout at him a lot (which she says scares her child).

I don't have any advice, but I'm so,so sorry. I am also the mother of the child that gets talked about (asd/ adhd etc) and it alternately breaks my heart/ makes me want to murder spiteful adults. I really, really hope someone cleverer than me helps you find a solution.

Oh vegpatch I'm sorry you have to deal with this too It's heartbreaking isn't it. Especially because when calm and properly handled my DS is an absolute delight - he's amazingly kind to animals and little children, much more so than the average 8 yr old tbh, he's funny and clever and loving and they just don't see any of that 😓

Hi vegpatch, I work in a primary school. Please raise with the class teacher ASAP, you might need to go through them before you’re able to get a meeting with anyone higher up (that’s the way in some schools). But make it clear you want it taken to the head/deputy head. This is completely out of order and should be dealt with by the school.
Is your school’s SENCO any good? Can you also speak to them about the specific concerns about the treatment of your son that the parents have talked about (albeit in a bitchy way!!!)?
I’m really sorry this is happening, I only ever see the parents in a professional setting so makes me wonder what they are like to each other...

Meant to tag OP as well, just woken up! Sorry Catoninetails

Heartbreaking to hear. But good evidence that the current SEN support arrangements are not working and the LA / School need to do more. Can you get advice from ipsea?

I would be deeply concerned about the shouting. I can not think of a worse tactic for helping a child.

Yes! the gossip mongers about the dc with behavioural SEN. Been there OP. Then watch their shocked faces with delight when all your tears and hard work starts paying off and your ‘train wreck’ dc, sails past theirs.

Wish you all the best with sorting something out. Hopefully this will actually work to your advantage to get the right support or school for him.

The important thing here is to find out if the other parents have a point about your sons care. I’m sure they mean him no harm or ill will, and it is shitty of them to discuss him online together but they don’t know your child so their opinion of him is irrelevant. What they are saying about the school might be hugely helpful to you and ultimately to him.

Make a meeting with the head and focus solely on the issues parents are talking about. Keep your hurt about them talking about him as a side note to be tackled some other time. Can you approach some of these parents to ask them for more information? I would but understand you may be feeling too vulnerable and hurt to.

Oh I know I need to take it up with the school, I've fired off a stonking email and am girding my loins for battle (and yes it'll be a battle). I've been asking and asking if the school can meet his needs because I've felt for some time that things are not going well, but I've had the brush off time and time again. I strongly suspect they're under pressure from the LA to keep him there and pretend it's all fine. Pretty sure they are downright lying to me about stuff now.

I don't really even blame the other parents, I mean I think they're tactless and rude and probably quite ignorant but I get it, they're concerned about their kids and I understand that. I'm not taking it up with them, I don't have the energy or tbh the inclination.

for you. I have been there, stuck between murderous rage and wanting to curl up with my son and protect him from the world forever.
Hope you are feeling better today.

💐 been there too (altho not as brutal as a fb group)
All I can say is as awful as it is, use it to your advantage.
The school need to either change and increase the support your DS has, or admit they can't meet his needs.

Does he have an EHCP?

You know your DS is a wonderful boy - he's just not in the right environment that allows him to flourish.

Hold your head high - those type of parents are the worst and you or your DS don't need their approval. What a terrible example they are setting to their own children when they could be using it to encourage acceptance and understanding.

My DS is in SS now, but he still has one good friend from MS. It was a boy who he had some run ins with, but the mum took the opportunity to invite my DS round so they could play together, to talk to me and school in a supportive way adding her voice to mine asking for more support for him and never once blamed me or DS. Her DS in turn is amazing with DS now and they genuinely adore each other.
Those are the ones you want in your life.

He has an EHCP yes, with full time 1:1, but the LA won't even consider SS until the EHCP "has had a chance to turn things round" in MS. It's a shitshow for poor DS who just doesn't cope well at all, but the only nearby SS no longer takes children who don't have severe learning difficulties as they are deemed best off supported in mainstream

I'm trying to find alternative provision for him but there isn't a suitable SS for nearly 50 miles, and I don't think I can take home ed - school is my only break and I'm too strung out (and let's face it, too selfish) to let that go

I couldn’t read and run; nothing helpful to say except I completely feel your pain.
And having just moved 100+miles to find a mainstream school with a resource base, I completely get how awful the current school system is. I’m so angry that society is failing a significant group of children. The push to home educate is huge - and yet I’m not a teacher, I have no specialist teaching knowledge, and I’ve no idea how I’d even start.
Anyway. Use the screenshots to create a positive discussion about the perception of your son and the perception of how the school is supporting him. Hope it goes ok.

OP, I'm so sorry. Similar happened to us. My gifted ASD boy struggled with the environment of MS once he hit yr3 and was alienated by peers. Parents would whisper and most started ignoring me too. The crux was when a parent put a complaint letter in to school saying he shouldn't be in the school so they isolated him indefinitely. He hasn't been at school for 6 months now but he's just got a place at an autism specialist school for September thankfully.

Annoyingly, the school acknowledged that he was single handedly the brightest child in the school (at 8) and raised the bar educationally for all the children in his class....yet the other parents decided to focus on his weaknesses rather than his strengths and make him feel like an unwanted freak instead of the glorious genius that he is.

Sorry to derail a little but this mainstream pack mentality mentality touches a nerve xx

DS is similar - managed to score 100% on one of his national tests last year for example (turns out he thrives under test conditions contrary to all expectations!). But put him in a class with 20 other children and he dissolves into incoherent frustrated overloaded rage

Happened to us last year. A bunch of moms started a separate Whatsapp Group to complain about the fact that there were more children with autism in their children’s class than others in that year set, & that their poor darlings were therefore not being pushed as much / behind the other classes. Plus the fact that the TA’s were not working with their poppets (the same TA’s allocated per child per their EHCP’s). Total lack of awareness about EHCP’s & the local provision. We took it to the school Head / SEN head immediately who issued a very strong email to the parents of that year group.

For the recent autism awareness week the school invited parents of NT kids in the school to visit the attached autism unit. Guess how many came..., 2!!!

Far easier to speculate & gossip.