Possible ASD in a 7yo - should I try and get a diagnosis?

[DobbyMOO]

Apologies in advance for the length of this! I first had concerns about ds1 when he was about 12-14 months old. He developed fairly normally up until this point and after this, whilst he didn't regress at all, didn't seem to develop in the normal way - we didn't have any pointing, waving, first words took a long time to come, it took him a very long time to start talking in sentences etc. I recently found a video of him aged about 2 and found it quite upsetting because with hindsight there was something very clearly not quite right - he would play very repetitive games with his cars and trains and although he did interact with us it was quite limited and there was lots of rushing around shutting doors etc. When he started pre-school at 3 the teacher recommended he be assessed by the SENCO. Up until then the HVs had really poo-pooed any concerns we had and I think I was also in some sort of denial about it. My family were and still are very, very opposed to any 'label' as they put it - I'm not quite sure why but I think they thought if he was 'labelled' at an early age it would become sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy, and as he was my first child I wasn't really sure what was and wasn't 'normal.

Anyway, the SENCO felt that although there were some signs of autism, she felt that the positives outweighed this and it wasn't worth pursuing. Over the next couple of years his speech improved massively and his play became much less repetitive, more imaginative and his obsession with clocks which had driven us crazy stopped too (he learnt to tell the time before his 3rd birthday!) and what I think in retrospect was clearly some sort of ASD became much less obvious.

Fast-forward on a few years and he's doing really well at school academically, but he's still struggling socially. He does play with other children and really does want to pursue friendships but seems to find it hard to join in with them in a group, although on a one to one basis he's much better. One thing that does stick out is that he finds it very difficult to relate an event to us which can be very frustrating - he tends to go right in at the middle without giving any detail and I often don't really understand what he's trying to explain, although he did well in the speaking and listening part of his SATS

My suspicion is that he is on the spectrum, but I don't know whether we would get a dignosis and even if we did whether it would benefit him. He's a really lovely boy, very thoughtful (will tidy up, lay the table, compliment me on my clothing etc) and enjoys jokes. We don't really have any repetitive or obsessive behaviours, routine has never been an issue, the main concern is socially.

Would a diagnosis help him? I doubt he would need any help at school, but would we get any help or guidance on supporting his social and communication skills? I'm also worried about how it might affect his self-confidence - he can be quite hard on himself and I'm worried that he will see it as a failure or that there's something wrong with him. How would we explain taking him to see the various doctors etc? I guess in my heart of hearts I wonder if it is something that I did or didn't do - I was very very depressed after he was born and then again when his brother was born and we had a few years of moving house every 6 months or so between the ages of about 9 months and 2 years and I worry that it all damaged him in some way. If I'm honest I found the first few years with him immensely difficult and I worry that we didn't bond properly and this has been the result. His brothers and sister are completely and utterly NOT ASD and I know that if he'd been a second or third child I would have known for definite there was something wrong when he was a toddler.

Aargh, sorry that was so long, hope it made sense. I'd really appreciate any thoughts.

Hi, my nearly 6 year old (year 1 at school) is like yours probably on the spectrum. Certainly he is midly hyperactive and has dxyspraxic tendencies. That manifests itself in being very sensitive to outside stimuli, sugar, chemicals, tv etc.. At school he is quiet in the classroom and likes to do well and has progressed very well. At home he talks non stop, except when he is doing art or construction toys.

However in the playground he finds it very difficult, he is enthuasastic but finds it difficult to know where he fits into things.
Especially now towards the end of term he seems to be getting into lots of fights as he is so tired.

I became very worried about him last year and we did pursue some private help which has done a lot for him and our relationship. Certainly it has helped me to understand where he is coming from and "parent" him more appropriately.

I don't think that he was bad enough for a DX and I certainly wasn;t going to allow him to get to the stage where he was IFYSWIM.

Socially if he is better with one to one relationships then pursue those - not all of us can do group dynamics.

It seems to me that you are unsure of your relationship and don't know how best to be with him.

Welcome to the SN board.

I have a 7yr-old with ASD. Like your ds he is doing well at school. He loves following rules too much to ever get into trouble and is also doing well academically. Like your ds he finds the social side of things difficult, although he does now have a group of friends. He doesn't really need any 1:1 help in the classroom. However having a diagnosis means that if things change, either now or at secondary school, it will be easier for him to get some help. It also means that the staff are understanding if he is having a bad day. The teachers are also aware that he might need some encouragement to work with others and provide this for him. Having a diagnosis can be a really useful thing to have so personally I would suggest having your ds assessed if you feel that he might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

I don't honestly know how your ds would react to the idea of autism but I can tell you that my own ds1 was surprisingly happy to find out about his own autism. I think a lot of it was relief that there were other people out there who had the same thoughts and difficulties as he did.

The one thing I am sure about is that absolutely nothing you have or haven't done will have caused this. You will have seen for yourself with your other children that children without autism just seem to 'get' the social skills and communication skills without having to be taught these things. It's almost as if they've been given their own instruction manual at birth.

You say "If I'm honest I found the first few years with him immensely difficult and I worry that we didn't bond properly and this has been the result". No no no! You've got those two things the wrong way round IMHO. It's not that he was difficult because you found it hard to bond with him. You found it hard to bond with him because those early years with him were difficult.

Firstly, it ISN'T your fault! He sounds fantastic. My ds (5) has Aspergers and finds lots of things difficult - he has a lot more trouble at school for example.
I like the book The Unwritten Rules of Friendship, Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends by Natalie Madorsky Elman & Eileen Kennedy-Moore - an excellent US book that does what it says on the tin.

Re relating an event, I'd say that was 100% normal. My stepdaughter has no trace or smidgen of ASD but she did this for years and years and was particularly bad at seven. We'd just nod and smile and hope it was at the right times

Don't beat yourself up about this possibly being your fault. As the other posters have said, it is NOT your fault - your child is the way he is because he is the way he is.

What do your son's teachers say about his behaviour? Do they think he is unusually poor, socially? If they would support you seeking a diagnosis of ASD, it might be worth pursuing. From the way you describe him, though, he just sounds rather shy and lacking in self confidence. Plenty of children are poor at joining in with large groups. This isn't necessarily a bad thing (do you really want him roaming around in a gang as an adolescent?!), so long as they can develop one or two close friendships with like-minded children to boost their self esteem. It might be that all he needs is a chance to get to know other children on a one-to-one basis outside of school hours, so that he can develop a closer relationship with them without groups of other children interfering with that process.

Thanks for all your replies - it was such a relief to get it off my chest that I ended up sitting here in a puddle of tears, where my friend found me and took me off for lunch, which is why I haven't replied yet!

We also had open evening at school tonight and I got a chance to speak to ds's teacher. She said the thing that she notices he really struggles with is following a long set of instructions but it mind bogglingly good at retaining facts and information! She doesn't know an awful lot about ASDs but is going to talk to the teacher he's having next year and ask her to keep an eye on him and if necessary they will ask the Ed Psych to assess him. The thing I really want is help with strategies for helping with the things he finds difficult - am I likely to get this if I push for a diagnosis or are there other ways of accessing this help?