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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

Forgive me, I really don't want to seem like a do-gooder but can I ask a question of you ladies.

27 replies

homemama · 10/07/2007 21:28

I don't want this to sound trite but I've just read Natalie's post about having no time with her NT son.
Is there not a national 'buddy' support network? Is there nothing whereby mums whose kids have SN can be put in contact with mums whose kids are NT but who are in a position to offer a little help?

I mean, I'm not pretending we could give adequate care to your SN child but we could maybe help in other ways, such as pick up shopping/prescriptions/NT child from school or nursery.
Or perhaps have child over for playdate, take out for day with mine etc?

It may be that you child has a disability that we could learn about. Therfore, becoming friends with whole family and child so child trusts us and then SN child could come over for a little so enabling m&d to spend quality time with NT kids.

I don't know! As I said, I didn't know how to write this without it sounding trite or conceited. I don't think I have any answers. I just know how bloody hard it is being a mum and I hate to think of others mums out there struggling.

So I guess what I'm asking is, is there such a buddy system? Natalie, would mums like you see it as helpful or would I just be an interfering old cow! No really?!!!

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sarah293 · 10/07/2007 21:33

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Original poster
homemama · 10/07/2007 21:37

Thanks for replying, Riven.
I was so worried about posting, didn't want it to be taken the wrong way.
Maybe there should be a network. I'm in Surrey, BTW

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chatee · 10/07/2007 21:39

fab idea- anyone like to be my buddy please?

sarah293 · 10/07/2007 21:43

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Original poster
homemama · 10/07/2007 21:49

See Riven, that's a real shame that all your friends drifted away. Apart from everything else, I think it would be good for my children to understand diversity (that's not why I started the thread,just think that would be a nice bonus)

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Original poster
homemama · 10/07/2007 21:54

A networked community would be fab for me too. All mucking in, helping each other. I know that sounds very 'darling buds of may' but at least people wouldn't be on their own. It's the thought of people being isolated that upsets me most.

I bet there's at least one mum within a mile of most of us who could do with a buddy

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sarah293 · 10/07/2007 21:55

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Original poster
homemama · 10/07/2007 21:56

Maybe a little! But my point is that I bet there's another mum like me just around the corner from you.

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sarah293 · 10/07/2007 21:59

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Original poster
homemama · 10/07/2007 22:05

Well it's not all about jumping around the garden, is it.

There must be lots of things your daughter enjoys and would enjoy more with children her own age.

If I'm honest, I would have no idea the extent of your daughters capabilities so in an ideal world, I would ask, you wouldn't be offended and we'd go from there.

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Nat1H · 11/07/2007 10:41

What a great idea! I have one good friend who has one NT son, and she often offers help. I never take it though as Christopher is such hard work, I feel guilty lumbering someone else with him. She has helped in oher ways eg. picking up NT child from school if Chris is asleep etc. If there was a pool of 'willing' volunteers, it would make life much easier, I'm sure!
Natalie

anniebear · 11/07/2007 10:49

Homemama, please move to the Wirral

what a lovely lovely thoughtful idea

would be great

Davros · 11/07/2007 10:54

I think its a wonderful idea. My DD is 4 now and I simply CANNOT invite her school friends here to play at the moment and it is often tricky to take her to a party or just do something without her brother. DS is home from special school at 4pm and, apart from one day a week, that is when our day ends. On the spare day I take DD swimming and to Wagamama. But I still cannot invite her friends here....... The other mums are vaguely aware of our situation but not really and I don't want to ram it down their throats "please, please ask her to YOUR house to play and I promise that I will reciprocate when I can... but I CANNOT now"!!!!! How do I get the message across without sounding needy and heavy? I am lucky that in the next couple of weeks she will be on summer hols and DS's don't start for another 2 weeks so I can get some of her friends round here to play and/or take them somewhere so I can get a few "in the bank" and hope for reciprocation.
God, what a moan!

FioFioJane · 11/07/2007 10:56

there is a scheme run by social services in kent that actually offers this service but I have forgotten the name of it

tbh i would prefer it to be someone I know in all honesty

FioFioJane · 11/07/2007 10:56

isnt it called a LINK scheme?

anniebear · 11/07/2007 10:58

I wish my Ellie could go to some ones for tea other than her Auntys and Nans occasionally

Lovely of them and she loves going but she is no aware that her twin Grace is going to friends houses for tea and she is desperate to go also

I do have 1 friend that would probably have her for tea, and I have a feeling that Ellie is feeling so left out that she is going to ask my friend anyway soon!!

and I wish I had more time to spend with Grace on our own, we found come things the other day that she had got for Christmas that we havnet opened yet

Even if just once a month

sarah293 · 11/07/2007 10:59

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anniebear · 11/07/2007 10:59

Yes Fio, I would have trouble leaving Ellie with anyone

SW suggested once having some one from Crossroads to come and babysit

But I wouldnt know the person and Grace and Ellie wouldn't either

havent took her up on the offer yet!!

Davros · 11/07/2007 11:00

Yes, it is Link but it isn't really the same thing. Firstly because you are offered this as Soc Svs package and therefore it would affect other services/DPs when it could be achieved the way homemama says in theory. It is also for the disabled child, not for the NT child as I have been moaning about! We were offered Link but I thought it would not work well as DS has enough trouble behaving and living in our home, never mind someone else's. I thought formal respite at a centre set up for children just like him was much more suitable (and luckily available). With Link it can take ages to get going, have false starts, much more likely to go wrong but great if it works. I'd just like someone to be more welcoming to DD and not think we don't want to participate in playdates etc because we don't ask other children here, or offer to take her to a party or activity for us.......

Original poster
homemama · 11/07/2007 11:26

I completely understand your concerns, Fio. I guess my idea was really that people who were willing and able to help got to know another family who could do with a bit of help. So became friends, but friends who understood (in as much as that's possible) and whom you could rely on even if it's just to pick something (or a dc) up for you once a week.

Im not a saint and I really don't want to be seen as a do-gooder. I don't want to do it out of pity, I want to do it because I know how bloody awful feeling isolated with your kids can be. There must be dozens of women up and down the country who are thinking like me but TBH, I've no idea how to go about doing this.

It seems utterly ridiculous that there is no simple scheme for this without it affecting any other services you may be entitled to.

I did mention the idea to my HV once, but she said she couldn't help because of confidentiality. She couldn't even pass my details to another mum she felt could benefit. How stupid is that?

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2spells · 11/07/2007 12:16

oh Fio the wonderful Link scheme.....
we were on that dd had a link family that had her for breaks. all fine and wonderful until they stopped doing it over night. now a buddy system where a family would take your nt kid to the park/cinema would have saved me the endless guilt on what ds was missing out on.

FioFioJane · 11/07/2007 13:43

we had someone, not through social services, who 'offered' us help for FREE until she got bored. It was a royal waste of time and left us feeling like we were an awful disfunctional family

I refused the link scheme because tbh i want to enjoy taking dd out, not somebody else have the fun of it

Original poster
homemama · 11/07/2007 13:57

Oh Fio, I'm genuinely sorry if I've offended you. I can fully understand how having someone offer to help then letting you down is worse than no help at all. I have a friend who is worried about her daughter's development and I'd like to think I would be there to help however she needed it (if she needs it)

I just thought that rather than procratinating and sitting thinking I could be of some help, maybe there was a way of doing something.

It's just that Natalie's thread made me think that perhaps there's a mum like her close to me and even if a volunteer could just take an NT sibling to the park once a month it may help.

Again, sorry if my post caused offense.

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FioFioJane · 11/07/2007 14:07

homemama, you havent offended me AT ALL!! I was just ranting out aloud about my own failed experiences, lol. I just feel a bit crap about this woman and her family tbh They offered to help and then just cut off all contact after a while without any explanation and I have taken it really personal she even invited us all for tea and I was on my best behaviour too......but then nothing. I am the kind of person who feels really bad about taking help off people aswell and it took such alot of effort and then we just ended up feeling hurt and dd loved her aswell

Original poster
homemama · 11/07/2007 14:50

Oh great! As I said in my op, I knew there was a chance what I was saying could sound trite.

Sorry you had such a bad experience. Nobody would need to be on best behaviour at my house, it's already like a war zone. My philosophy is that there'll be plenty of time to be uptight and keep in tidy when they're no longer young.

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