Probably HF ASD

[MuminMama]

After several years of CAMHS doing basically nothing for us, I took DS for a private assessment and was immediately told he probably had high functioning autism. He is prone to extreme tempers and violence, has a totally one-track mind and some sensory issues. He has to go back for a test this week. In the meantime his behaviour has taken a further dive to the point where stuff was being broken in the house, I have been kicked 100 times over the last day, DH has been poked in the eye and threatened with scissors, and I had to put him in the garden at one point last night to try to get us both to calm down. (He won't stay if sent to his room.) I am at the end of my tether. So I guess we wait for what the doctor has to say, but in the meantime, OMG, how am I supposed to cope with this? How am I going to help him cope with this if it is ASD? Is there any medication that will help?

Read as much as you can about ASD and related conditions, autism is rarely seen on its own, and how to manage his behaviours. www.autism.org.uk/

the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

There's no medication for autism, it's a lifelong neurodevelopmental condition, so in a nutshell, if he has autism he was born with it.

Medication is available on prescription for ADHD.

In very simple terms, his behaviour is showing you that he is overwhelmed by whatever's going on around him so you can help by identifying what's causing him so much stress that he's lashing out.

Each thing that's causing him to respond in an over-reactive way is called a trigger. Remove the triggers and you'll have a much calmer child because triggers increase anxiety which drives the behaviour. Of course this takes a l-o-t of time and effort alongside trial and error on your part and a realisation that ordinary parenting techniques don't work.

Read Ross Greene's The Explosive Child and see his website Lives in the Balance for strategies to help.

Does your DS behave at school all day, or is he constantly letting them know he can't cope too, if so, what are they doing about it?

His diagnostic assessment report should include several recommendations for what should be done at school and at home to help him.

Thank you for replying and for so many concrete suggestions. I definitely need to read that book.

He behaves much better at school, although last week I was called in because he bit another child, but this is not typical of him. It does make me wonder why he can pull it together at school but not at home.

It does make me wonder why he can pull it together at school but not at home

It's called masking, something else for you to read up on. There was a recent thread about it but don't ask me which board it was on!

He's only just holding it together at school most of the time.

Think about him like a bottle of fizzy pop, he's like an ordinary pop bottle when he wakes up, getting dressed, he's been shaken up a bit, then more shakes getting to school, more things happen there, playtime may be a challenge as well as things in the classroom, so more and more and more shakes and by the time he leaves school or he gets home, the pop bottle is so pressured it explodes and because he knows home is a safe space, you get the whole explosion.

what age is your ds?

9 or 10 can sometimes be the tipping point for violent aggressive outbursts. Think of it as anxiety, anxiety related to all the things that are expected of him, when his wiring tells him that x and y are what he wants to do, will make him feel good. So if he is convinced that watching a certain programme or playing with a certain toy or not going on a certain expedition, or not doing a bit of homework he is scared of doing wrong is "safe" and "secure" and makes him feel "good" no amount of persuading or telling him off is going to convince him otherwise.

There is plenty you can do to help but you have to think of it as a series of positive affirmations to make him happy and calm rather than you "stopping" him being violent, explosive or medicating him to stop.

Talking him through things (social stories) breaking down instructions and routines, jettisoning all unnecessary overload, picking your battles, deciding in advance what behaviour you want to see, and how you can positively reinforce it. could include screen time but perhaps screen time with an adult present participating, chatting, cuddling, sitting next to him. Homework could be reduced and turned into something you both enjoy, could you scribe for him perhaps if he hates writing, or make him write fun things like slogans or rhymes or copy out phrases and colour them in. [I'm not sure what age he is, but homework was a massive trigger for my ASD child and you should google the current thinking on this (ie reduce it for primary children)

transitions are also a massive trigger and instructions/getting ready,/forgetting what you have been asked to do - parents getting stressed and cross and making demands etc.

There really is so much you can do to help but it happens before the aggression starts, not after it has occurred (ie consequences usually escalate aggression/anger unless they are calming consequences rather than punitive)

don't send him to his room as punishment. Try and make going to his room an activity you do on a regular basis where he feels happy and safe, and can calm down self regulate as a positive thing. So time out is a good thing - to start with you might go there together and do some bondign activity which is very low key, quiet, lego, pottering, no words, tidying, and eventually he will see it as his safe space. Or it could be the sofa, with lots of cushions or a den in the corner of the sitting room where you are near but not interfeering, making demands. It takes a bit of time to build up these associations.

There is no magic bullet, just a lot of parenting which suits Your child.

Thanks to all for taking the time. Yes Nettles, DS is 10.

A lot of what you say rings true. We have always found that threatening punishments or offering rewards does nothing at all to change his behaviour, which makes sense to me now if I try to see it as a natural consequence of his being overwhelmed, not a choice.

Homework is a massive trigger for us too. We could just not do it (the teacher is great, very understanding and flexible) but I have always felt he needed to learn to do stuff he didn't want to do. I think I need to give that opinion up in favour of any of us staying sane and safe. I am going to have to rethink the way we do a lot of things, and by the sound of it, make MUCH more time to keep things calm and be able to be there for him more (you know, instead of making dinner and shouting instructions at the same time).

The other trigger is getting ready and getting out of the door.

Is there a go-to book?

Tony Attwood's Aspergers book. Tbh I didn't understand it the first time I read it, it is pretty dense. But explains a lot of the basis of the difficulties. How to Talk So children Listen by Faber and Mazlish is a wonderful book even though not specifically for SEN children but it seemed to help me deal with ds2 better.
[And Neurotribes is very moving but maybe that is something for later]

Thank you; the Attwood book looks on point and have ordered.

My DD was a bloody nightmare at getting ready and getting out of the door. The rows, the meltdowns, the tears OMG I'm glad those days are over.

At one point her psychologist explained that it's transitioning from one state to another - a trigger, combined with a an overload of instructions - another major trigger. He advised breaking down tasks into smaller tasks one at a time and be very precise in your language.

So no 'right we're going now, can you get ready, we need to leave, and don't forget your book bag and have you put your homework in it' as that is a meltdown right there.

More 'right we're going in 5 minutes' - clear timeframe. 'Put your shoes on immediately please' - no polite pretense that it's a choice and clear message on when. 'Put your coat on immediately' - same but given as a separate task so theres' no 'chain' to do. etc

It sounded pointless to me. After all she's not stupid. But I was so desperate I tried it so I could go back and say it doesn't work. OMG the difference was immediate. I couldn't believe it was the same child.

That sounds like really good advice right there - I'm always rushing about and giving a multitude of vague commands at the same time. Will try it later!