Am I a selfish cow?

[Nat1H]

Am really p***d off and crying at the moment. Have just been to my GP (social services wouldn't help) to ask for some respite so that I can spend time with my 6 year old. DS2, who is 4, is so time consuming that I hardly ever get to spend time with DS1 (6). I never manage to do any homework with him, have actually moved schools as the last school couldn't get their head round it and he kept getting told off. Because Christopher is not profoundly disabled, we don't get any help. My GP (who I thought I could talk to, until now) looked at me like I had crawled out from under a rock. I could see her thinking, 'just get on with it woman'. I came out crying as I feel like I am living on a roundabout at the moment. My relationship with DS1 has all but broken down, and sometimes I feel like handing him over to Social Sevices just to prove a point. Obviously, I would never do this; after all, if they did take him away I would be devastated. Am I a selfish cow for feeling like this? I am beginning to think that I am weak, and that I wouldn't be able to cope with 2 'normal' children, never mind one who is disabled. Please tell me I am not going mad!
Natalie

Of course you are not being selfish! There is a world of difference between looking after NT children and looking after a child with SN. Perhaps the oh-so-sympathetic GP needs to be reminded that she is supposed to care about your mental health as well as your physical health. Grrrr!

Thanks for your replies. Have stopped crying now. We have had a care assessment from social services, but Christopher is not profoundly disabled so they can't help. Will have to try some charities, but I really can't be a**d asking for help at the moment. Will try when I am not feeling as stressed!

I "use" Crossroads charity, who do placements during the holidays (10am - 2pm) for a couple of days. It doesn't sound like much but it really helps as then I can spend time with my dd.

Crossroads also has staff who will come to the house to play/help with a disabled child, so it gives the parent/carer a break. I haven't accessed this yet, but it really is worth asking.

I'm not sure how to find out about other charities, but I guess someone will come along and help!

Not selfish at all, you sound liek a caring mum trying to do her best for everyone.

I had a really bad morning again with my Dd a few weeks ago and looked up respite on the net. Not done anything yet but just needed to know that that it was there.

Having a few hours out to concentrate on your other DC, letting your DS2 have some time off from you guys and have a change of scenery is very far from beiong selfish. I know it must be so hard and I'll be on here asking te same if I ever go down that road, but honestly, from the outside looking in, we are all authorised to tell you (!!) that it's not selfish, it's sensible and life saving.

TC xx

Thanks twoisplenty! Have rung our local crossroads charity, and although the funding for this year has already been allocated, they are looking into what else they may be able to provide. Fingers crossed!

Agree you should go back to Soc Svs as it sounds like things are getting worse and could be so much better with a little help. I used to email my Soc Worker to tell her what a shit time I'd had, even though she hadn't seen that when she visited and things may have been reasonable at that specofic point. My case was "closed" but I made them open it again as things were not the same. I also thought of Sure Start. You don't say what sort of disability your child has, but if it is quite specific you may find it easier to get help from charities targeted at that disability, also to get support from someone who could help you with Soc Svs. Good luck, feel for you.

Nat1H, what are you sons disabilities? have you rang the childrens disability team at soical services? It does take a long time to sort out but in most cases you ARE eligible for respite.

you are not at all selfish btw. GPs often dont have the knowledge to understand home life problems

my son has CP. He has triplegia with increased muscle tone affecting both legs and his left arm. He is mobile (because we have had fantastic support through Conductive Education), but only around the house. He uses a wheelchair when we are out as he can't walk far and needs 'targets' to walk towards. The problem is, that once DS1 gets home from school, DS2 (with CP) is so shattered that he needs constant supervision as he falls over more when he is tired. For example, this morning at DS1 school, DS2 fell down a concrete flight of steps because I had lost concentration and wasn't watching him. I know this sounds awful, and I really hope I don't offend anyone, but sometimes I think it would be 'easier' if DS2 did have more profound needs. I feel like I could 'leave him in a corner in his wheelchair' while I spent some time with DS1. Of course, I would never actually do this if I was in that position, but I may be tempted to use the argument! (sorry)

I think this is exactly the sort of thing you should say to them. You are not claiming that you are doing it now, but the fact that you even think about it means that its a possibility. What about keeping a diary? I know you really don't need another "job" but I found this really helped us at the worst time. I just had a notepad in the kitchen and wrote things spontaneously. It seemed to make more impact than anything.

what a good idea! I will definately keep a diary. I have a few battles happening at the moment that this would definately help in. Thanks!!