Need opinions on DH and how he is with DS1 (ASD/SPD)

[WonkyFrames]

I am a mum of two boys. Oldest is nearly six and undiagnosed but suspected ASD/SPD. Youngest is 4 (NT). I would like opinions from other SEN parents about my husband.

DH shows no interest in the processes we are going through - formal assessment/diagnosis, applying for EHCP, fighting for in class support for him etc. A few months ago he could't even tell me the name of what our DS1 is being assessed for. I spend most of my spare time reading up on it, looking at what support is out there, attending parent courses etc. Yet he can't even remember the name of the conditions we are looking at!

Recently I had a private sensory assessment carried out at school, due to the never ending waiting lists that we are sat on with the NHS. DH came home from work and didn't ask how it went or what was said. I mentioned it to DS1 at bedtime tonight with DH in the room (thinking it may just have slipped his mind) and he STILL has not asked me about the assessment. He just isn't interested is he?

On top of this, I feel that he is very hard on DH1. He expects him to behave like DS2, and when he doesn't DH shouts and generally exacerbates the situation/increases the tension, when what DS1 needs is calming down. I already spend a lot of time defusing situations between DS1 and DS2, but when DH comes home I'm also diffusing situations with him and DS1. He is an extra stress for me to handle to be frank.

It's not just me is it? Am I expecting too much here?? What are the family dynamics like in other people's houses?

Ds’s dad and I split up over it all, years ago.

He wasn’t interested at all, never attended a meeting or read a report.

He is still the same many years later! He blamed it on undiagnosed depression, which is now treated, however he is exactly the same now!

He wants to build a ‘connection’ with ds. Still can’t be bothered to read a report etc! Blanks any of texts asking for support ‘he cannot deal with it’. He also says/does inappropriate things, for example making jokes about ds not being able to walk far, without tiring. When I tell him it’s due to x,y,z, ‘oh I didn’t realise’

I don’t know about your dh, for us it has been ds’s dad not being able to deal with anything, any kind of stress, not just ds!

DD's dad was the same, insisted the diagnostic process was wrong, there was nothing wrong with dd, she just needed to grow up and toughen up. First letter from the Paed detailing developmental history, he said "They've only written down everything you've told them"

He was no support after SPD dx, his parenting style was to shout. Apparently yelling at a kid with 2nd centile hand praxis will enable them to eat tidily. I stopped having family mealtimes around the table and the OT recommended Caring Cutlery so both improved the situation.

DD hated answering questions, he would never ask open questions, (despite me telling him to every day) just say Did you do that because of X and she would agree with anything he said just so he'd stop. Even when his suggestion was utter rubbish she'd insist it was true, so he'd leave her alone.

He would criticise her for doing things that were part of her disability, I'd even go and get a report and show him the section which outlined why she couldn't do whatever it was he was criticising her for and he'd argue it was all a load of rubbish. All she ever needed to do in his eyes was grow up and try harder.

In an attempt to shock him into realising his behaviour was way out of line, when she was 8, I rented a house near her school for 6 months so she could have a nicer home atmosphere. It did improve things.

Dd had many more assessments over the years and it gradually dawned on me from answering so many questions that he also had ASD but he wouldn't entertain the idea. I got us all to do the AQ test, DD and I discussed our results, he hadn't done it yet, couldn't see the point of doing it, wasn't interested so I sent him the link again and asked him to do it and he continued to fudge saying he'd lost it and had forgotten what the score was and it was meaningless.

There's an awful lot on the support for partners with Asperger's thread that's very familiar to me too, in hindsight.

DD is adult now and in those days, there weren't any parenting classes available and there was nothing like the amount of info online like there is now.

There have been a few threads on here about unsupportive dads and what seemed to work for some of them was someone they would listen to like the GP or a Paed/Ed Psych explaining their child's condition to them. Some 'got it' after parenting classes. Maybe try those approaches?

dh insisted there was nothing wrong with ds2. But after he was diagnosed, he "got" it, and read the whole of Tony Attwood's book. Sometimes you need things spelled out in a very simple way (not that Attwood's book is simple) and for dh once the diagnosis was there, he began to see what ds was struggling with, and why he behaved the way he did and why, despite being a lovely and delightful clever empathetic child, autism was a label that could be used to describe him and HELP us.

Maybe it has all been too long a process and you need to write down in very simple terms what the issues are, sensory, cognitive, executive. Ie instructions need to be broken down. (cognitive) table manners will be all over the place (motor skills) screams at being asked to put on his coat (sensory) that sort of thing, cannot cope with changes of plan or sudden requests for action (cannot remember what category that is in!) inability to cope with group games without rules that he can understand and utilise (ie not too difficult and not going to be the "loser") (theory of mind - I think [blush})

Dh was always ds's righthand man, they did everything together, went on little trips and outings, read him a story every night, gave him breakfast every morning, played trains with him, yet he still found it difficult to see the patterns of behaviour and bad behaviour as autism.

Dh also never attended any meetings or helped with any reports or assessments. But he did build a connection, at every stage. First it was trains and outings on the tube, then it was racing cars and formula one, then ds2 started going to football matches aged 10, and dh had to accompany him, now they go to every match together and have a season ticket. It has been a real bonding thing. Dh never played sport with ds2, not his thing at all, but watching matches and on telly too, was their thing (dh never interested in football before)

Have you heard of a thing called flooding, which is apparently what happens when the dh walks through the door and the wife starts telling him about her day, and her worries about various things/the kids/school. Someone once told me this is WHY some men can be so very distanced and detached from important and worrying situations..it is a form of self preservation - they are overwhelmed and cannot process, rather like our children, and they get aggressive and or tune out. I'm sure it is not just men who do it, but as the burden of child care falls on women I can imagine it quite common for husbands to behave like this as the diagnosis unfolds.

No, you are not expecting to much to ask him to be calm. Sorry, I didn't answer that bit.
He needs to be CALM. There is no excuse for getting angry or badtempered, and you are right in thinking it will make things worse. Setting boundaries in a good way, is not the same as showing anger when behaviour is bad. The way we say things to our Asperger's children is incredibly important, and they pick up on stress and tension massively as they are incredibly empathetic, and hypersensitive, even if they don't read social cues in other ways.

My dh was totally on board and as much a part of everything as I was - re diagnosis, fighting for ehcp and special school etc. He is a totally equal parent and I wouldn’t accept anything else. My ex dh was like your dh - although that was my older child who has no special needs, he was just a generally useless ranty disengaged father and it’s why I left him.

Nettle you can sod right off with that nonsense, in the nicest way possible.
Dads are parents. They can take a morning off to go to a meeting, work part time to do pickup, and blooming well get to know their children.
My DH is VERY interested in everything to do with DS diagnosis. It's him looking at drug formulations as he's the NHS geek. He has a spreadsheet of appointments and DS' seizures.
I am the one for the technicalities of the disorder but we fill in all the parent forms together, or I do and he tones them down or corrects things, or vice versa.
He's at home today while I'm away with work and he wrote a very calm but detailed email to school about something they think is a crisis but we don't.
We do both struggle with short temper; we pull each other up and send each other for a time out.

drspouse I'm sure you are right. If both parents are working and sharing care then I'm sure that is the case, or should be the case. However if one person is at home more, then it might be the case that they are bearing the brunt of the behaviour and sorting out of professional intervention, and the dh might have disengaged. Not saying it is good, or the right way to be, just that the one who is dealing with everything, quite rightly has short shrift with the one who is tired from his work, whatever that might be.

didn't mean to offend, really I didn;t, except that surely it is better to give her dh the benefit of the doubt, as to just why he might be behaving so badly. Surely it is better to get him to help, using a few strategies than tell him to sod off. I'm sure I've felt like telling my dh to sod off in the course of the last 18 years, but he has proved helpful in the end.

actually the person who told me about flooding worked fulltime and so did her husband, it is not to do with who works in or out of the home, it is just about someone overwhelming someone else with their "day" and their worries. And the evening becomes a nightmare because that is when everyone is trying to get attention from everyone else, children included. OP asked about family dynamics; I mentioned it in that context.

So the solution to "flooding" is for the parent who isn't there all the time to engage.
Not for the person who has to deal with all the problems to stop talking about them.

I get the denial, many parents do this. It’s hard on the parent left to actually deal with it though. I had to book all the Assessments, without even telling exDP as he was so adamant that it was all in my head. I just got on with it myself and asked for him to drive us there, practical stuff, and talked to people outside of him for my support.

However I’d be right on him shouting at the kids. Every time. ExDP was not good with DS either. Whatever way you can get through to him, get him to back off! He’s doing harm there to his child.

A lot of children who get a diagnosis have at least one parent or grandparent who ticks some of the boxes for "autistic traits", whatever that means. For those parents, I think it can be especially hard to engage with whether there is something "wrong" with their child. Denial's a thing, and if he's struggling with it deep down then give him some slack. However, parenting that's a bit rubbish is also a thing, and whatever the reasons behind it, it's really hard on the other parent.

I have split with Dh for very similar reasons. You are jot alone, op

Thank you everyone. Its great to hear outside thoughts on this.

Interesting so see some of you have split up over similar issues - that's where I feel this is heading if I'm honest.

"wonky" it is an incredibly stressful time, at the best of times, when you have two children of five and four. Enough to test a lot of relationships. He isn't supporting you. But might he support you if you had a heart to heart with him about how you feel, nothing to do with ds himself. Just that you are at breaking point, dealing with the situation and you need his support. I once emailed dh at work to say, I was feeling very upset and got a lovely text back..I think it was because in RL situations it was difficult not to feel very angry and confrontational about certain aspects of our "management" of co-parenting.

It is not necessarily the case that you need to split. I also turned out to be quite ill, which I didn;t realise, with a thyroid issue, underlying this whole stressful time when ds was being diagnosed, which exacerbated my feelings of exhaustion. once my thyroid and vitamin d were improved I felt much stronger. Never underestimate how important caring for yourself is in these situations, your partner's support is a big part of caring for yourself which is why you are qutie right to question his behaviour but there were other aspects which I hadn't considered, my own health and my ability to cope with stress.

Insist on his support.