If your child with ASD is aggressive, when did this start?

[SinkGirl]

My twins are 2.5, both have ASD, non verbal, limited to no understanding of words. They don’t interact with each other at all, although they’ve just started snatching bottles and snacks and food from each other and one just tried to pull the other off the table because he was in the way of the TV.

One of my biggest fears is them becoming aggressive (big trigger for me due to lots of violence in my past) - at the moment they are such placid happy boys the vast majority of the time. Almost no meltdowns or anything at this stage.

Just wondering at what age (or rather developmental stage I suppose) these behaviours tend to start? Is there anything I could try if I do see aggression to try and reduce it before it escalates? I’m guessing probably not but any tips would be much appreciated just in case.

I'd say it was at around 3 years that DS became more aggressive. In the main I think it has been due to the developmental stage that children go through as they become aware of their own agenda, while at the same time lacking language and impulse control. Pushing, hitting, biting are pretty common in lots of toddlers (but not all by any means). It is complicated by his autism though and in particular his sensory needs.

DS is tactile and a sensory seeker. He chews toys (well anything really!) and generally throws himself around. He often uses just too much pressure when touching/hugging. This means that when he is angry or unable to cope his go to is to grab, bite or kick out. He will bite himself too on his lower arms (I find this the hardest to cope with, as he bruises his arms ).

In terms of reducing the aggression, the most important thing has been to understand and meet his needs. Things like allowing him time to transition between activities and giving him time to process requests. As he gets older I am getting better at reading him which helps too. DS tends to chew more to try and regulate if he is finding an environment stressful. If I see that happening then I step in, move him somewhere quieter and reduce demands.

When he does lash out, I try to move him somewhere safe and give him a little bit of time to calm down. Then once he is calmer I will go and give him a firm hug and rub his arms, which seems to work quite well for him. I also try and label his emotions and tell him that biting/grabbing hurt.

It has become more manageable (DS will be 5 this summer). His language is still quite limited and he does get frustrated. I hope that will change, as he gets older. It helps me to remember that he doesn't lash out to hurt others. It is just that in that moment it is all he has to try and deal with his emotions and communicate.

Thank you so much, this is really helpful. His behaviour sounds a lot like one of my boys (minus the aggression so far). He’s always chewing things and throwing himself around. He has very limited communication skills - his twin is getting better at communicating what he wants non-verbally, and we are just starting to try PECS with him but twin 2 is nowhere near ready for that.

I will remember all this as they progress, thank you so much for explaining your experience, it’s really helpful.

I had no aggression from my son till he started nursery at three. It was such a shock that my gentle toddler was acting so differently without me and it peaked at about 4 I guess. He’s now approaching 6 and with a lot of school, home and SEN input he’s a different boy.

I have a child with ASD who has never really been that aggressive. However he has got agitated, for want of a better word, which is not the same.

Agitation/"aggression" was triggered in him by anxiety, and transitions were the main cause of this. Ie he would be playing and I would want him to get ready to go out, and put his shoes and coat on, or put them on for him. This would cause an outburst. He needed a lot of preparation and patience for each step, and you need to leave considerably more time between different activities compared to NT children.

At 2.5 a lot of NT toddlers are very physical in their reactions, and a lot of them are learning about the world through their mouths and their hands, hence biting scratching and fiddling pushing. When you cannot express yourself in words or understand other people's words, physical ways of expressing yourself are of course going to be the only language you have..I think as parents we often misinterpret what they are doing as aggression when it might be anxiety, impatience, confusion, eagerness, interest, excitement, tiredness, overwhelmedness..anything really.

The more structured the day, and the more simple words you can put to each part of the day, or actions, the easier it will be for your toddlers to make sense of it all.

There is a very good book called the Out of Synch Child and Out of Synch Child has Fun which has some suggestions for stimulating and calming children with sensory underload and sensory overload.

I have three children with differing SNS, two mildly affected and passing as NT, but quite concerning as toddlers, and one with diagnosed autism, and they are all doing very well at the moment - full of language and fully engaged, non aggressive. It has been a learning curve for me, I didn't always handle different stages well, so learn up as much as you can, ask others, not just professionals, read read read, make sure you get a supportive peer group (other mums or dads with children with SNs) It is not all doom and gloom and please please enjoy your toddlers!

Also top tip, get out in the fresh air enjoying the natural world, sights and sounds in small sweet doses. Ds2 gained so much from observing cars and buses and trains too!, although it seemed such hard work to get out every day even for a little bit, just leave yourself time for everything so you don't feel doing x y z and impossible feat, don't overschedule, cook simple meals, reduce clutter that sort of thing. Interacting with each other can take a while with twins, and in fact interacting with you is the first step. I have twins (disclaimer)

I have an 8 year old son who has autism and he has never been aggressive. He is hard work and Sometimes he’ll shout at you (More of a recent thing), and he’ll be silly with his younger sister but overall he’s never really been aggressive towards anyone. We have been lucky!

I have an 11 year old and a 5 year year old with autism and neither have ever been aggressive. Both have delibrately hurt themselves though, which is upsetting.