Helping a teenager that won't engage with anything

[Punxsutawney]

My Ds is 14 and currently being assessed for asd. In many ways he has some typical teenage grumpy behaviour but also has lots of issues that indicate he is on the spectrum.

He is struggling with the whole assessment process and I don't know how to make him see it may help in the long run. He is becoming even more isolated and not wanting to leave his room at all. He has a white board with days of the week and we write down all times that he needs to leave the house or has an appointment etc.

He saw the OT today as he has some problems with his fine motor skills. She has said she would be happy to recommend that he uses a laptop at school. He said that he doesn't want to use one. On the way home he told me he is already being picked on for spending time in the learning support room after dropping a gcse. He feels that a laptop would make him look even more different. I obviously would never force him to use one but I'm keen that he gets all the support he needs and is entitled too.

He just seems so alone and lost, its a bit like he wants to shut himself away from life completely as its all become too overwhelming. I know we are fortunate that he is still going to school and I'm aware things could be much worse. I'm just not sure how we can make life better for him.

Is the lappy to ease the amount of handwriting? I can fully understand him not wanting to appear anything other than one of the lads at school, at his age it's excruciating for him to be seen as different in any way by his peers.

If so, ask school to provide notes of each lesson rather than him writing them himself, they did that for my dd as it was outlined in an assessment, think it was sometimes another pupil's notes photocopied. (Don't know if that's acceptable these days but do ask)
In fact, the notes could be scanned and emailed to him, rather than given to him in front of the class.

Also in his assessments, he should have exec. function, processing speed, handwriting speed etc.tested so depending on the results of that, he MAY be eligible for a reader and/or a scribe during exams. You can look up the criteria on the exam board's pages, it has to be applied for ages in advance.

Can you let whoever is doing the assessments know that he's terribly self-conscious about being seen to be different in any way so can they suggest any ways to help him that the other kids won't pick up on. They must have experience of this.

Can you email SENCO and say the same, ask how they do things to avoid pupils who need extra help being singled out and open to taunts etc. They must have experience.

He probably thinks the assessments are to find 'something wrong' with him, do explain that's not the case, they are to find his strengths alongside his weaknesses to help him at school, in FE or Uni and in the workplace.

Really really, really stress that being different is just that, different is NOT inferior, different is NOT odd, different is NOT wrong, just different.
Young kids like the comparison to computers, Windows is used by a lot of computers, Mac is used by a smaller amount. Neither is better than the other, they are different but they are both computers and do the same things, but they do them differently.

Thanks for the replying BlankTimes. The laptop is because his handwriting is poor, he also has hand and arm pain. The OT says that the joints in his hand and shoulders are a bit lax too. He is seeing her again and she is going to do a DASH test. I think that is testing his handwriting speed but I'm not sure.

He says he also has problems with his memory. The school are doing some screening tests for this at the moment. We are not sure what is going on and the paediatrian suggested it may be that his brain gets completely overwhelmed and he can't remember things rather than his actual memory. In our area children don't automatically see an Eductional psychologist as part of an autism assessment, only if there are educational concerns.

We are going to email the Senco on Monday to see if the school can reassure him about the laptop. He is aware of his differences and he just seems so unhappy and resigned to the fact that he will spend the rest of his school days being picked on. Consequently his self esteem is incredibly low, I think that is why he has started to shut himself off from life completely.

I have tried to have many conversations around the fact that differences don't need to be negative and that the assessments are for him to understand himself better. I just feel I'm not making things any better! He will only share the bare minimum with us about how he is feeling and also struggles to communicate his issues with staff at school. BlankTimes I will definitely take your advice on board though, thank you for taking the time to reply.

It is very hard at this age, like zzzzz said, just love him more.

The memory could be executive function, all the information goes in but getting the right bit back out at the right time is the hard part.
www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/executive-functioning-issues/3-areas-of-executive-function

His inability to recognise his issues and adequately relay that to staff, been there. That's where our school's learning support fell down, it was structured the same as they have in Uni, dd was expected to breeze in and say I'm struggling with this so could you give me a hand please, whereas in reality she was trying her best and didn't know which bits she found hard. Her results were poor compared to the effort she put in. She needed someone else to identify the specific areas she struggled with because she couldn't do that herself. But of course, she presents as someone who is completely capable of doing so, but the reality is different. Once I got learning support to do that, things improved.

I know it's difficult, as a parent you want to make the most of everything that could help and present them with different ways of doing things, but the teen hormones and maybe the need to control the situation kick in and all you get is resistance. Been there. Still go there at times. Still am there with one issue right now.

It is so hard when you move all the obstacles and present them with something that should make things easier for them and they refuse to use it, or do something a different way, so you look around for some other more invisible way. I've been there so many times.

Accepting that for their own reasons they don't want to engage with the help is the hardest part, particularly when it's because they can't see the bigger picture and don't realise the advantages of the intervention, even after you've explained a lot of times it will be uncomfortable to start with but then it will become easier than it is now. and a handhold. You are not alone

My son is 11 and also refuses to use a laptop in school. I'm trying to gently persuade him of the benefits. He had a meltdown in school when asked to get his laptop out so we are leaving it until next term to try again.

Thank you again for your supportive words on this thread BlankTimes they are much appreciated. Sorry to hear that you have faced your own challenges with your daughter, I hope that things are getting better for her and you now. My son's school sounds similar they just can't understand that he struggles to approach staff for help. Very slowly with plenty of pushing from us they do seem to be starting to help a bit more, it's not been easy though.

I think it's just been a bad week this week and the OT appointment finished me off! She is great, very knowledgeable and supportive but I got the impression yesterday that she was getting a bit frustrated with him. I wouldn't blame her but it feels hard sometimes I know he isn't deliberately not engaging with people he just finds it so difficult to communicate at times.

Hopefully we as a family will find our way through this and the the other assessments and it will start to become easier. It's amazing how lonely you can feel in this process, so just writing it down on this thread has helped too.

Thanks again for your understanding and wise words on this thread BlankTimes and good luck next term with the laptop BDG.

I'll let you know how it goes. All the best.