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Bedroom destruction. How to manage when seeing their mess makes them feel awful?

3 replies

megletthesecond · 27/01/2019 15:27

DD (10) has been breaking and ruining bedroom furniture for years now. She's drawn on the walls and ceilings, broken lampshades, gradually trashed the lot basically.

I know she feels awful when she sees what she's done so I can't leave it as it is. But at the same time she doesn't learn and I know that whatever I do will be messed up before long. I feel like a mug for sprucing it up or tidying it but she won't do it, she will happily walk over clutter for days even through its uncomfortable and slippy.

Want a moan really SadBlush.

OP posts:
London28 · 27/01/2019 16:04

Hi op

I feel your pain. My ASD/ADHD/ DA child used to do this too.

Have you any idea as to what the triggers are for the destruction? My child did it every time they could not get their own way! They would be sorry (with no understing of what the word sorry meant) and remorseful afterwards! Yet would do it again.

What worked for us

Minimising what was in the room, as far as possible.

Putting in lots of soft toys because the will not damage if thrown mid destruction. Remove any hard toys e.g. Cars, train track or puzzle.

Eventually DC got they had to tidy mess up. Initially this was a hand over hand approach. This took hours and hours sometimes. Mono tone assertive voice about what your child needed to do. Big sand timer.

Social stories when they were calm.

Buying clear boxes (a few) and labelling them with a photo of what goes in them

Magic locks on wardrobe/ drawers

Tough sheets on bed (cannot be pulled off)

A board ( we got a white planning board that offices use) fixed to wall to create a safe space where child can write. Use Crayola washable felt tips only

Switched to blinds instead of curtains.

Reduced lighting

Nettleskeins · 27/01/2019 22:57

dd (now 16) who is NT used to have a thing about scribbling on walls and "defacing" things when she got angry an upset at that age, and younger. She used to throw things down the stairs (mostly laundry). I now think that finding a way to let off steam which isn't a source of shame is actually quite important, because as you say the mess upsets them and the feeling of having done something wrong.

For us what helped was not really worrying about the wall scribbling just going with it for a few years, reducing stuff in her room to a manageable level, lots of cushions and very large soft toys, and well...working on the anger so she didn't feel the need to throw stuff. But she was always going to want to wrestle with things and scribble, that was a bit of sensory necessity for her, and no amount of telling her off was going to help.

Lots of hugs, lots of nests, low expectations for her room being particularly smart, but tidying it regularily, lots of busy stuff for her do with her hands which wasn't too fiddly, and lots of physical outlets outdoors, dd liked skating, skateboarding, swimming, dancing (streetdance) being sat on, sliding down stairs, rolling down banks.

She also was constantly wanting to change her room, I think she was very disatisfied and got very overwhelmed by stuff, but didn't quite know what to do with that disatisfaction. I wish at the time I had understood that she needed perhaps a big foam chair, more storage and less decorations/bits. When they are 10 you are imagining a typical girl's room, but sometimes they need something more functional. But they don't know what they want, and start demanding things that aren't quite the panacea that they think it will be.

Also, might your dd be interested in construction activities, where she can do more taking things apart and rebuilding that is in a more positive free way, no repercussions? Not lego but perhaps papermache or clay modelling.

megletthesecond · 28/01/2019 10:05

Thanks london and nettle. I think minimising is going to be the way forward. She broke her desk at the weekend so I'm going to take that out. She has a hard floor as a surface for crafts and puzzles.

And yy to the nesting and constantly wanting to change it. I'm hoping I can fit a bunk bed in for her so she can create a den in the lower bunk.

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