So is counselling a good idea, then?

[twoisplenty]

I'm not sure...

I just have this fear that the counsellor would ask me to discuss things that I would find really difficult and upsetting. It would centre around my ds disability, and the painful bit is around his birth and subsequent diagnosis.

I think I would like to feel better about life in general as it is getting the better of me, I feel generally a bit low every day. And I know I am pushing things to the back of my mind, which isn't considered a healthy thing to do!

But I'm still nervous. Isn't counselling an upsetting experience?

Have you thought of a support group first? Then it won't be so personal...Good luck

No it shouldn't be upsetting - someone I know always felt happier and more positive after each session - its not like the psychiatrist and couch thing you might imagine - go for it.

Hi twoisplenty. Have no experience of counselling i'm afraid, but a local support group is almost the same thing I suppose. I go to a local sn group coffee morning (sometimes) where we all chat and share stories. Its o.k, but I don't know whether you REALLY talk and say whats on your mind, or just be pleasant for the sake of it if you know what I mean. I usually end up listening to people and offering advice instead of bearing all anyway. I never 'bear all' anyway. I think it is an easy practical option to put my feelings to the back of my mind just so you can function every day and that works for me. I see it is not being beaten by the disability and not letting it take over our lives, or me, but putting it on an even keel together with the rest of the things we have to deal with. I find this board helps a lot, as sometimes I feel its easier putting things down in writing, almost like getting things off your chest, but keeping them personal to you at the same time. If you have any doubts about counselling then don't do it. I think the best advice you can possibly get is off other parents who go through the same daily things as you do. Yes, a counsellor is someone to offload onto, but would they REALLY understand? Are they supposed to understand, or are they just there to be talked at?

Keep smiling

I had counselling in conjunction with antidepressants - it all hit me around the time of DD2s first birthday and I got very depressed.

I found it really helpful; just verbalising what was going round and round in my head, and being given 'permission' to grieve and be pissed off. Friends and family were all "oh but she's doing so well" and "aren't you coping brilliantly" and I was too down to say no, I'm not actually!! To all intents and purposes I looked like I was doing fine - the children were well cared for, the house was clean, we all ticked along nicely but underneath I was screaming. My head was a whirl, I was exhausted and had no support from family. (DH is in the Navy and after extended compassionate leave was away again).

Counselling helped me see the wood for the trees. She helped me get my head sorted and admit how I was feeling. It was almost like bereavement counselling in some ways - I also found it very emotional and would cry and cry, but felt sort of cleansed afterwards.

Sorry, I went on a bit there!! Give it a go

I've found counseling to be immensely helpful. (Studies have shown, too, that cognitive behavioral therapy is as effective as antidepressants for many people.)

I also wasn't sure how counseling could help me -- I thought I knew what the counselor would say, thought I knew all the things I should be feeling and doing anyway, so wasn't sure what the point would be. But I also knew that I was having a really sh*tty time, and needed to try something new.

I went to two different counselors for just a few sessions (1-3) each, over the course of two years, and both were VERY helpful. While I did cry through the sessions, I ALWAYS came out feeling better than I did when I went in, the positive effects were long lasting, and I still think back to the things the counselor helped me to realize when I'm having a hard time coping.

Just to give you an example, one of the issues that is still the hardest for me is the feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how much therapy I give DS (who has cerebral palsy), I could still do more, and that it would never be enough.

He walked me through my options:

• Spend every waking moment with DS doing therapy; exhausting for both of us, consuming my life, and since it wouldn't be likely to "cure" DS, still always wondering if it was "enough"

• Continue doing what I'm doing, which is taking him to his out-of-home therapy sessions and doing as much as I am able (literally and/or emotionally) to at home (which is sometimes nothing), but also focusing on just being a good MOTHER (not therapist) to him

• Continue what I'm doing (a reasonable effort, even when it falls far short of perfect), but obsessing over feeling guilty about it all the time and being miserable.

So, part of his point (and a good therapist will allow you to come to the realizations yourself instead of "telling" you) was that
only PART of the issue is really "how much" I was doing, and that the larger issue is how I feel about it (will I torture myself, or will I allow myself to be imperfect).

It's still an issue for me (and just typing this has brought me back to questioning it again!), but my therapy sessions have always, always been helpful. It also makes me aware of what my negative thought patterns are and how I can break them. So instead of just feeling miserable, I can identify what specific, unproductive feelings I'm having and act on changing them.

Mmmm, thanks for being so open, everyone. I do appreciate your thoughts.

I definitely need something to help me feel better, as I know what depression is (I had depression when I was younger) and I know that very slowly I am going down that path. Our family is going through a difficult time at the moment, with no support. I don't like "offloading" to friends as I don't want to be seen to be moaning, I have kept up this facade of being absolutely fine, as so many of us do.

there are a few things I could try instead of counselling, such as doing things that I enjoy (me time as they say), or trying to get extra help in the home (ha ha). Or I could be brave and try to sort out what's in my head.

I'm scared of going to counselling and opening up old wounds.

Another gem from a counselor:

Think of the stress in your life, and the old wounds you don't want to open, as a tentacled monster boiling over in a pot. Obviously, taking the lid off the pot and trying to kill the monster would be very difficult, and no fun at all.

But by just trying to pretend everything is fine, you're just putting the lid on the pot.

Whenever you get more stressed out, the pot boils over and a tentacle slips out. If you tackle that immediate problem, you've managed to cut off a tentacle, but the monster is still in the pot, and beastie that he is, he's just going to grow another one.

He's not going to go away until you take the lid off the pot and attack him and get rid of him once and for all.

(Oddly enough, what originally brought me to this site was the debate on the triteness of the "Welcome to Holland" essay, so I apologize for the trite analogy of my own!)

But I do honestly believe that everything you've said indicates that counseling would be helpful to you.

Choose a counselor carefully (again, cognitive behavioral therapy has shown to be the most effective), and just go once. Worst case, I'm wrong and it was a waste of time and money, but at least you took a positive step to try to sort things out. I honestly don't see this happening, though.

Best case, even that one session can help you sort things out and establish some better coping mechanisms.

Also, a counselor doesn't "make" you go into anything you don't want to. You might even just find it helpful to talk about other things, and say, "XYZ is too painful and I'm scared to talk about it." They will help you through that, too, and you don't have to say anything you don't want to.

I am trying to find out how I can get counselling at the moment and have similar worries, DD was diagnosed at 8days old and before that it was all painful tests and things for her. Been in hospital last week with her which has made me feel even worse, i know what you mean about not wanting to offload onto freinds, i feel like they probably have heard enough from me about how unfair it is!But reading through this has made me even more determined to get it, I think it would help from the point of view of getting over the traumatic experience of the initial shock, and in terms of the future.

I had counselling in the past (not for anything to do with having kids) but the counsellor put it in a lovely way - said we all carry baggage in our day to day lives and sometimes it gets too heavy - we just help you with that load....excellent way of looking at it!

I recently (after 6 years of doing it alone) had counselling. It was offered by someone with a huge amount of experience in autism, which really helped. Someone banging on about my childhood would not have been any use at all. Ask around, go on a recommendation. I think mine really helped. She challenged me to let go of some of the pointless stuff I felt about 'other people'. Very useful.

I have a friend (honest) who didn't get any benefit from the local counsellor so tried a "life coach" type person.
She said she was fantastic also helped her with stress & time management.
I think the coach/counsellor had disabled child & offers telephone & email support.
I can't do links but if you google
ALB Resources you should find it.

I love Welcome To Holland. It used to be on my fridge and help me through each day.

I have never seen it criticised but I supposed its a personal preferance.

Counselling rocks. I think all parents of children with SN should be offered it as a matter of course. When I get into central government I am going to see to it that this happens.. as long with manual handling training for parents, not just professionals for goodness sake, so that we can can learn how to protect our backs before they get f*cked up!!

Do a search on here shiny

Not sure I want to think negative thoughts about WtoH Gess.. sometimes Mumsnet screws with my head!

I agree it should be offered more routinely. We were told we'd get lots of support but in emotional terms it hasn't really happened. The only counselling offered through our hospital is for the children when they need it. I wonder if it can be accessed through other areas though...

My gp referred me for cognitive behavioural therapy/councelling when I was struggling emotionally. It was subsidised. At the time I did not think it particularly helpful, but looking back it helped me re-orientate to a more positive outlook and think through to fight my uphill battles! I felt very unsupported at the time and fearful of the future and my ability to fight for my child. I think different things useful at different times. I attended a support group for ADHD (my Ds has diagnosis including LD, ASD and ADHD the ADHD was the first!) and frightened myself silly as the others discussed their struggles with teenagers and adult children whist I needed information and local knowledge. Now I am considering attending support groups again as I think other local parents will know things I am searching for!

I've just decided to give counselling a go again. I did see an NHS counsellor when dd1 was about 18 months but it didn't help much. He basically kept harping back to my childhood - as Gess says, not a lot of use.

This time I'm going to go private and am thinking of CBT. I need coping strategies not analysis.

I do think specialist counselling for parents of children with SN is desperately needed and should be provided on teh NHS. I was shocked that we were just handed this diagnosis and basically left to get on with it. And there seem to be very few counsellors who specialise in this field.

I've added it to my list of 'things that would really help familes with disabled children and that I might try and do something about one day'

Well it sounds like a resounding YES! Have counselling!!

Mymatemax - the life coach idea sounds very interesting, I could certainly do with sorting my time management out (would he/she suggest I waste a lot of time on MN )

Thanks for your thoughts cerebralmom, definitely food for thought, and very comforting actually.

But I just can't face it at the moment, I don't know...just feeling really low. And I don't really know why I feel like this now, things aren't generally so bad atm. I remember someone saying "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" and I think I am just not ready yet. Either that or I'm just a coward!

I have just realised I made the comment ".. when I get into central government.." below without a , lol. I am doing a degree in Childhood and Youth Studies and like Heartinthecountry I have a whole list of things I would like to change for parents like us.. but I can't seriously see me working for central government so please, nobody hold your breath on my account!