ds (Aspergers) anxiety at home driving me BONKERS! Any kind words/advice?

[Aloha]

Ds is 5.5 and has Aspergers. He is very, very anxious about being on his own anywhere in the house, so even if I am popping to the loo while he is eating toast in the kitchen, he will panic and start crying and tell me not to go, or scrambling after me in terror. He gets upset if I want to go into another room - today to get some wrapping paper while he was reading in the sitting room. He will sometimes be alone for a short period if he is very engrossed in a DVD, but not always.
It makes trying to put dd (2) to bed at night or for a nap a complete nightmare as he is also v impulsive and can't keep quiet.
It is driving us all mad. I feel like I am permanently wearing a ball and chain.
Has anyone been through this? Any strategies that helped?

I'd try some sort of timer. The Time Timer on there works really well. Or the watch plus. Set it when you\re out the room- make sure you get back when the timer says you will then extend.

Visual timetables may help as well (although dd may pull all the bits off my toddlers always have).

Thanks gess, I'm certain ds would love this - pricey, but might be useful in various situations, and compelling enough to be distracting for him.

It has been really trying my patience lately!

The clock's a lot cheaper than the watch. Or there are the egg timers, or the rocket timer thing. DS1 is far less compulsive when we're using the clock during his sessions.

I don't have any advice but can sympathise - my DS is much the same and starts shrieking "mummy, mummy!" within a nanosecond of my leaving the room. It must be particularly hard on you with all the school stuff going on too, and another child to look after.

Ah thanks. But tbh having another child is good and bad in this situation. Ds is OK if dd stays in the room with him, but runs after her yelling 'come back!' if she dares leave!
However, she has also started saying 'I'm scared on my own' which is ds's catchphrase.

We have this with DS5 too Aloha. It does come and go-it is much worse when he is very stressed-towards the end of terms, for example, or just before a big event like Christmas.
We just tend to go with it until it improves again-there does not seem to be any way to reassure him while the anxiety is high.

ok I know this is special needs but can I just say I am going through the same with dd1 (7.5) atm.

Hi Aloha, my ds was very similar at 5. It did get pretty annoying for a while and I ahve to admit he still often sleeps in bed with me (age 7) as he gets very scared in bed on his own. I just gave him lots of assurance and cuddles and his anxiety has got a lot better over the past couple of years. The only thing that really used to upset me was other people (including relatives) telling me I should be firmer with him. This showed no understanding of his problems IMHO. Good luck

God Enid/Caroline/Tiggy, it's is hideous, isn't it? He's at my mum's atm - dh and I running away

yes I am cracking with dd1

so irritable with her today - i need a break from it! dh is crapola.

Oh, it's maddening, isn't it - my DD2 (just turned four, no AS) had a phase of 'I'm scared to be on my own' which made me long just to be bracing and horrid.

Had a lovely break - drove to Marylebone High Street and had lunch in a lovely restaurant with no children in it
Two glasses of rose and a trip round Cath Kidston, Brora, Daunt bookshop etc and all was right with the world. Dh amusingly disconcerted by Cath Kidston btw. 'It all looks a bit dated to me' he says. PSML.

Hi Aloha, This is my second attempt at replying, the web site froze last time...

I'd tackle this with a combination of strategies. I'd start with a very visual social story, using lots of photos of himself, you and various locations around the home. Talk that through with him first, explain that it's OK for you to leave him alone briefly, that you won't leave him permanently and that he'll be safe. Then I'd use a timer to gradually lengthen his tolerance to being left alone. Begin with about thirty seconds, show him the timer and demonstrate how long that is. You could start by standing just outside the room he's in and talk to him all the while to reassure him you're still there. Gradually you can extend this in whatever way you feel he'll be most comfortable with - you might want to extend the time while you're still in earshot, or work on talking to him less (perhaps a reassuring "I'm still here" every thirty seconds or so", then keep on adding to that so that eventually you're in the next room for eg two minutes and not speaking. Give loads of praise for every time he copes, of course, and reassurance/comfort when he doesn't. And don't move on to the next stage until you're confident that he can manage it. You'll also need to be prepared to take a few steps back if he's unsettled by other factors.

I'd also talk through the social story every few days at least so that he gets a frequent message about what the goal is. You could also add in a reward strategy (displayed visually on a wall, where he can see it) of what he'll earn for passing each stage, eg a prize for managing to be apart from you for a whole minute while you talk to him, then two with no talking, etc etc.

HTH.

Hi Karen, thanks for that. I think the timer will really appeal to ds - he loves clocks and remote controls etc.
I am so lazy and disorganised that the thought of making the social story with lots of photos makes me feel a bit faint, but I can see it is a v good idea.
Maybe go with the timer first, then try the rest if no joy.
I like the look of Gess's clock, and it might be useful to prepare him for transitions and also for doing tasks he hates. Actually it might be very good for the school. So they can say, 'we want you to paint a picture for this length of time' so he doesn't feel overwhelmed.

lol @ reaction to social story

but I must say dd1 draws picturs of things and we write the words together when she has an obsessive bout and it seems to knock it on the head (she gets obsessive about stuff quite often)

Oh posted a really useful social story link earlier tonight let me see if it's still copied here. Have a look on the Carole Grey (Gray?) site as well, she has some ready written ones on there, you never know there may be something suitable. If you hate writing them I;d recommend her books, I flicked through one in Waterstones once and thought it looked very good; it was packed with social stories. Absolutely no use for ds1 so didn't buy, but would be good for you & ds1 I suspect.

I think the book I flicked through was my social stories book which I think might be published by JKP - worth checking their catalogue anyway as well as Amazon.

NAS Help 2 do an excellent seminar on Social Stories which really simplifies Carol Gray's method. I'd always been put off by her way of doing things, it looks so complicated and you have to have the right ratio of X kind of sentences and Y kind of sentences. The NAS way is far easier. Worth checking out to see if there's one coming to your area.

Can't stress enough the benefits of using loads of visuals in them. DS is 8 and a very able reader, I'd always assumed that if he could read he'd get the gist of the social story. When I started adding personalised pictures it made a massive difference and he's learned loads in the last eight months.

Aloha, I do understand that it can be a pain starting off a new strategy, but if you can face it I'm pretty sure you'll reap rewards. Definitely worth a go.