Need advice, I don't know how to deal with this.

[Chandra]

I wonder if any one can help me with this one, I have been thinking in posting this thread for several days but I'm a bit afraid of being missinterpreted, so please be patient with me I just want to learn how to do the things the best as I can.

As you know my nephew who is 2.5 years old was recently diagnosed with Autism, my sister has, of course, gone through a bad time but she seems a bit better now and the conversation has moved from what-did-the-doctor-said back to how-are- your-children-doing. So, here's the problem, when she asks about DS I try to keep out of the "talk" topic as I feel that's a painful area, I noticed my sister, who is not stupid, has realised I am avoiding it and feels a bit ackward that I don't speak so much about DS's achievements as I used to do (it's not that I'm bluffing, we used to laugh a lot about what our respective DSs were doing), though I think she doesn't like me to be so careful but I'm not sure if the alternative is worse. So the question is, what do you do in these cases?, if you were my sister what would you expect of me?. Or if you were me how would you deal with the situation?.

Please don't think I'm a selfish b is just that I don't want our communication to suffer from wrong assumptions on my part.

PS. Please be kind I'm just an ignorant person trying to learn how to deal with this.

Hi Chandra,

doesn't sound to me like you're being ignorant - you're just trying to do the best thing for your sister, but can't quite work out what that is. Which is not suprising. I have no experience of this but your post rang some bells with me - that may or may not be relevant.Forgive me if it's not. Some years ago I had some bad health news and I know that some of my friends didn't know how to handle it. It still upsets me a little that some of them seemed to ignore it but I guess that was just their way. But the friend who did the best possible thing was someone - a huge big rugby player, not reknowned for his sensitivity, who simply said to me, "hatter, I don't know how to handle this. What do you want me to do?" He didn't have to do anything else cos it was the best and nicest and most honest thing anyone could have said. I know I'm not your sister and this was a different situation but maybe the best approach is to talk to her? Be honest about your own fears and tell her the one thing that's obvious from your posting - that all you want is to do the best thing you can to help her.

Chandra, I think you are feeling awkward because as a mom you can imagine what your sister must be feeling and it's making you feel bad, too. Beyond that, though, remember your DS is her nephew, and she'll be really proud of any accomplishments he achieves, just the way you will be when her son (your nephew) has a good day or achieve some important milestone. So, I would say share away, because good news is always good news. Other than that, I agree with hatter that you should just raise the subject honestly with her.

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My youngest sister is about to have her first baby later this month. I can't wait to hear all about my little nephew/niece and all their milestones as they achieve them.

The only time I find it hard to hear about other children is when there is an ulterior motive involved. This will usually mean someone saying something like, "Can you believe that X's child was still in nappies when they were 3? Terrible isn't it?" while looking knowingly at ds1 who was then nearly 4yrs old and still in nappies.

If you're worried about putting your foot in it just say something like "And how's my nephew doing?" This gives her the option of bringing up any problems she may have been having or just talking about non-autism related stuff. HTH

TBH I like hearing about my friend's children PROVIDING- and this is the big one- they ask about DS1 and are as interested in him as they expect me to be in theirs. The only person who really drove me insane is someone who in the 2 years since ds1 was diagnosed has never mentioned the A word, and has never asked anything about ds1 - whilst going on and on and on about her son. She also says stupid things like "oh you remember what its like when they get to that age where they don't stop talking". Er no actually I don't! (At last I am getting it with ds2- but I wasn't when she made the comment- and I certianly wasn't "remembering"- it was the first time for us).

I can even cope being in a room full of NT children providing people aren't looking at ds1 with horror. I think it is wise to be sensitive- don't worry about saying what your son is doing, just don't say things like "oh he;s driving me mad as he won't stop talking" if her son isn't. But that's fairly obvious to be honest.

SIL has just had her first baby. We're all excited about him. I think as he gets older some family gatherings may be hard- but that's because of the whole PIL lack of understanding about ds1- nothing to do with SIL.

Also I'd say follow your sister's lead. People deal with difficult situations differently. A friend of mine has just has the absolutely the worst thing possible happen to her- she lost her son- but she is incredibly easy to talk to about it as she wants to talk, and is very open about how she's feeling. I let her lead though, if I ring and get the impression she doesn't want to talk that day we don't.

BTW you don't sound selfish at all! You're wondering how to approach it- that's not selfish!

I too think it's good to ask the question 'what do you want me to do' and keep asking from time to time.

It may be your sister's needs and attutude will change over time. If she has only just heard the news about her son, she may be finding it very hard to accept it so doesn't really know how she'll feel in a few months time, let alone a couple of years from now. If you know she has little practical support, you could also regularly offer to help her perhaps? she might say no to begin with then realise that she could really do with you.

Thanks so much for all the advice, I think I will follow your advice Hatter if the oportunity for such conversation arises and really apreciate your input Jimjams and Coppertop, I was almost jumpin a few days ago when she mentioned her DS have saying more sillables recently, you are right she loves my DS and would be happy to hear about him.

Tiggermoth, I would jump at the oportunity to help her, even if it's only through the phone

Thanks again,

Chandra