Daughter has School Phobia

[Louisa13]

Hi

I wonder if anyone can offer any advice please.

Our 13 year old daughter is having a nightmare attending school. Last year she totally refused to go and missed nearly 12 weeks. (I did ring the school everyday for help and try to get her there but nothing was done whatsoever). I got her an urgent referral to CAMHS who said they are 99% sure she has Aspergers Syndrome.

However, the physiatrist has not made up her mind yet and has not given her a diagnosis. She said this will take a further 5 months or so.

In the meantime my daughter (who is now attending school again) is going through hell (and us!) She cries every morning and night. Whatever else is going on with her, one thing we are sure about is she has social awkwardness and finds it very difficult to mix and is quite immature for her age. She was ok at primary school but this is her second high school, in which she cannot settle. She keeps saying she wishes she was dead.

She has started walking out of school. The school are furious and refuse to believe there is anything wrong with (as we have no diagnosis). They say she is fine when I am not around; she says she cries in the toilet.

In addition the Education Welfare are watching us because of the time she had off last year. Also I am going to either loose my job or have to give it up, because of spending so much time trying to get her there, or at the school etc.

I must mention that academically she has no problems (which probably make the school disbelieve her even more) but at the moment her education is really suffering as she is so stressed all the time.

I have virtually begged CAMHS to help but they wont budge unless she attempts suicide!!

(Sorry this is so long)

can't you just keep her off school?

sorry - i only have some experience of home educating younger children (ages ago). i hope someone with some useful advice comes along.

How sad for you all, and how stressful.
I think that it would make sense to give home education a try.
The education otherwise website is very helpful.

But, Eight and Rattle, Louise13 works, so taking time off or giving up her job may not be an option.

Louise, if the work is OK and the social side the problem, interval and lunchtimes may be the hardest times for her. Does the school have a lunchtime club, or similar, for vulnerable pupils? Is there anything they can offer by way of support during these tricky times?

Lots of home educators also work.
I think if Louise13's daughter has missed 12 weeks of school, and the school's reaction to that is to be "furious and refuse to believe there is anything wrong", then it is time for change.
Either a change of school, or home education.

hello louisa
My son is 10 and has AS.
He was like this nearly 2 years ago.
Refusing to go to school, saying he wanted to kill himself, (he did try to stab himself with a knife to show us he meant it).
he hated school. school refused to believe there was a problem, que emergency referral to CAMHS who after asessing him said no to AS.
So, nearly 2 years down the line and he,s still not got back in BUT (and i dont want to frighten you) this is because our LEA refused to accept that he had AS (we got him privately dx,d although NHS have now said yes as well).
First thing if you cant get her into school is to get a letter from your GP or CAMHS to say she is suffering from extreme stress and that will stop EWO from getting on your back.

Then, speak to IPSEA straightaway or ask on here, im usually always around or someone else.
The GP/CAMHS note is the most important.

re the academic thing DS was/is exactly the same very high IQ but unable to cope with the rest of school.
I can only give from our experience but the more people told DS he was going back to school the worse he became, we told him he could have a little break and then its up to CAMHS/LEA to put something in order for your DD, have you got a statement, if not then think about applying for one.

Oh and they blamed it all on me as well, they practically accused me of having MSBP

HTH and please ask any other questions cos i know how difficult this is.

Jen
x

But surely the school has an obligation to all its pupils, whether they have Aspergers, are school phobic, or find it hard to cope for whatever/any reason.

Jenk, you told your son he could have a little break, but two years later he is still out of school. What I'm saying is, a decision not to pursue schooling is not to be taken lightly.

Louisa13's daughter has not been out of school 12 weeks already, she was out for 12 weeks last year, but is currently attending, however unhappily. So rather than take an irrevocable step, I think the school should be pressed re what they intend doing for her. Unless the situation is very different in England - are you in England, Louisa?

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice.

Yes we do live in the UK.

We have thought about home education but have been told by the EWO, the school SENCO & the physiologist that this is very difficult, can be expensive and can cause a big rift in a relationship with the child. Also we find it difficult to get our DD to do anything she doesn't want to do; although this may change if she doesn't have the fear of school looming over her.

In addition, we don?t know whether we have the tools and skills to give her a decent education at home. I am also very worried that if she is at home she will become a social recluse; she is already staying home much more than she should be doing for a girl of her age. We will still consider this as an option though as our dd begs & begs for this.

In relation to getting a statement, I assumed you need a diagnosis for this. Also the SENCO at her school said it would take two years to get, and she only has two years left of school.

The suggestion of getting a letter from her GP (don?t thinks CAMHS will help)is a good idea, although I know this would only be a short term solution.

We have had only one meeting with her school. The SENCO pulled to bits, a letter the school had from physiatrist which said she was 99% sure she has mild AS and some agoraphobia. They said as she was only a locum, she couldn't diagnose anyway. At the start of this year, they gave her a room for lunch time but they have taken this off her now. This afternoon, as usual, she came in sobbed her heart out & said she can never go back there again

Oh Louisa, I am sorry, this is a rotten situation to be in. The reason I was asking whether you were in England is because here in Scotland we don't have Statements. Neither do we have this horrible situation of needing to have a Statement to be entitled to the slightest bit of help.

I'm absolutely flabbergasted that the SENCO said a locum couldn't diagnose.
What a cheek, the locum could be very experienced...they'd certainly know more about ASD/agoraphobia than a SENCO would.

I really don't know what to suggest except to say I'm thinking of you and hope this resolves soon.

How awful! My ds is five and has Aspergers and is finding school extremely stressful. Your dd's situation sounds heart-rending. The school sounds completely wrong for her. It really does.

Excellent article from yesterday's times re childhood depression. One of the case studies was a child who was phobic about going to school.

times article

It sounds very rough - I wish you and your DD well.

Louisa, just wanted to quickly comment re "We have thought about home education but have been told by the EWO, the school SENCO & the physiologist that this is very difficult, can be expensive and can cause a big rift in a relationship with the child".

Please speak to people who have home educated, or are currently doing so.

EWOs and SENCOs are not the best people to advise with regard to it - in my experience LEA employees are usually unaware of the reality of home education.

HE is as expensive as you want to make it. I have not known anyone home educate and it cause a rift between them and their child.

It does, however, provide a breathing space for the entire family, especially when school has been so traumatic.

It is not an irreversible decision, and a child can return to the school system when and if they wish to.

For school phobia you may be able to get the LEA to pay for a home tutor - you will have to be very determined, and fight tooth and nail, but it is worth a try.

It really may be useful for you to follow the education otherwise link I posted earlier in the thread.

Six years ago my then thirteen year old son, told us he didn't want to live any more.
We looked around frantically for an alternative and found out about home education and deregistered him and his two sisters.
We have never looked back.
Home education has been the opposite of what you EWO has said. Home education is not difficult compared to sending unhappy suicidal children to school every day!
There are many ways to home educate. We have had huge success with a child interest led autonomous style. We have done no formal lessons at all, none. The children have all followed their own interests, which has meant we haven't had to compel them to do anything. It really is a fascinating lovely way to educate a child. We now have young people aged 20,17 and 14 and we have a wonderful relationship with them. For a start we rescued them from a place they really didn't want to be and we don't have all the stresses that go with being a teenager in school and pressured all the time. They have a social life that is the envy of their schooled peers. Our eldest child did not do any qualifications at first but decided to do a couple of GCSEs post 16 (when it is free). He did very well. He used those two GCSEs to get into college to do A levels and fitted in very well socially and academically(and got B's and a C at AS level last year-another bonus for HE, school had predicted he might get grade D's at GCSE if he worked very very hard.) he is on target to do the same at A levels and has the last exam today!
He is a confident, happy young man, with self belief and self confidence. He has a part time job, which will become full time after the holidays and then says he will be going to University as a mature student, when he has some more experience of working life and had a chance to save up for it.
I can't recommend home education highly enough, we have had a ball!

There are some websites you could look at;
www.education-otherwise.org/ The website of the largest HE organisation.

home-education.org.uk/ -Brilliant (imho) independent website. -check the 'articles' on this site, there is one about school phobia and the site owner has been researching and is just about to release a book on the subject

www.he-special.org.uk/index.php For families who home educate children with special educational needs.

www.muddlepuddle.co.uk/ A website especially for parents who home educate children young children.

The above websites all have links to relevant home education internet support groups, where you can get valuable support and information about home education in the UK from the real experts, the people who do it, home educators themselves. The top two websites also contain links to local groups-you might find there is a community near you, who would be willing to talk to you.

home-ed.info/ is the other independent website that I would recommend.
Together all of these websites will lead you to everything you need to know about home education in the UK. All sorts of resources and information can be obtained for little cost from the internet.

Then there is
www.infed.org/biblio/home-education.htm -an article that compares ?formal? and ?informal? home education styles written by a Dr Alan Thomas.

I'd be very happy to talk to you about home educating teens, you can contact me through the local HE website I run www.worcestershire-home-educators.co.uk/

merlotmama, DS is still out of school because our LEA refused to help, A, they refused to asess him and wanted him to go back into school with no support and he went back in after a couple of weeks and the same happened again and B they refused to accept his Dx.
im not at all suggesting that louisa do the same as we have however, we have been in the same situation and know all the excuses they throw at you.
We have not taken the decision not to pursue schooling, the decision was taken out of our hands by our LEA refusing to provide adequate support for our Ds, hence he is still at home.
I have never wanted him to be out of school, but i refuse to allow the LEA to place my son in a situation that is detrimental to his mental health.

would just like to echo julienoshoes experience.
Since DS has been out of school he has changed from a young boy who wanted to kill himself (and who CAMHS advised us to put on prozac at 8 years old) to one today who is a happy,confident boy, he has friends who come and call for him and although he cant go far he plays with them, he is confident in a rookm full of adults and children of all ages.
My sister said to me the other day, Ds used to be unapproachable, he,d scream and snarl if you asked him about school now he,s so happy.

Ive never ever heard of home education causing a "rift" between a parent and a child rather the other way round in our case it has brought us closer to DS.
Its not an irreversable decision either, you can get help from a home tutor especially if you have a note from your GP/CAMHS, we have a home tutor who comes twice a week and we are now hoping that Ds will go back to school soon to a special school to help him understand and cope with his AS.

HTH

Jenx

Had another thought
if you can get hold of it there is a book I'd recommend called "The Teenage Liberation Handbook:How to quit school and get a real life and education" by Grace Llewellyn.
It is an American Book but you had get it from Amazon-I just got another copy.
it will certainly open your eyes to what an education can be

Thanks again to all of you, your replies are very much appreciated.

I have kept dd off school for the last couple of days. We had some really bad news re my mum who has just found out her cancer has spread to her brain. Our dd is very very close to her & I am so worried about what this will now do to her.

I am going to take her to the GP tomorrow & get a sick note for the time being. Also our dd saw her pychologist today who said he would have a word with the EWO to keep them off our backs & tell them that her problems are real.

All you comments about HE are very positive & we are going to look in to this.

In the meantime, I may ask her GP to refer to another phyciatrist or see how much it would be to go private.

I cant think straight at the moment. If I want to keep chatting, do I carry on with this thread or start a new one?

Many thanks.

Carry on chatting here I'll keep and eye out-or start a new thread, up to you.
There is a home ed section if your question is about HE.
Be aware though that both Riven and I are off to one of the biggest home ed gatherings today. So we'll be back to chat after a week or so.
There are other HE moms here tho, but more hang out on the HE section.
There will be 1500 home educators sharing a camp site, for lots of activities and workshops and music-near the sea in Essex. A brilliant chance to socialise with friends old and new and have great fun.

All positive vibes to keep the severe weather warning away from us would be appreciated!