PDA child

[lampshadelife]

I need help from anyone who has a child with PDA as well as another child/ren.

My daughter (11) is in the process of being assessed for PDA and high anxiety. I'm 99.9 % certain she has it and have been reading up a lot about how to manage children with PDA.

The issue I'm concerned about, is that the way I'd have to manage her behaviour requires a much more passive role from me as a parent.

If I was to describe my parenting, I'd say I'm firm but fair. I'm all about involving children and Positive praise etc. But, ultimately, when I've asked for something to be done or pulled the children up on bad behaviour more than once- I will tell them off. I don't feel young children should be negotiating rules or manipulating parents to get their own way.

I have two other children and a step son (all boys). I've never had to so much as raise my voice to them. A warning or even 'the look' was enough for them to behave.

Realising that my daughter was definitely more challenging lead me to the realisation that she has additional needs. But I'm a bit apprehensive after reading the guide on managing behaviour.

If it was just her I'd have no issues with it. But I feel that the boys will wonder why I'm so lenient with her but not them? Will it cause resentment between siblings or myself and the boys?

Also- how does this really prepare my daughter for the real world? In the real world, people won't find role play techniques to ask her to do something.

Anyone else encountered this before and what was the outcome.
Thanks in advance

With the siblings you will just have to explain it, there are books about having a sibling with needs which might help. I think you need to acknowledge that it isnt fair and possibly get some support for them at school like young carers.

In terms of preparing your daughter for real life i think you'll need specialist advice and support. Perhaps if the environment is managed to reduce anxiety and she has more control it will also teduce anxiety and then she wil be able to cope better with demands.

Hi

With regard to siblings, I think you should approach it as you would a visible disability and explain why she needs things a bit differently sometimes.

It does take a leap of faith at first, to parent a demand avoidant autistic child differently. However, if you keep on using traditional parenting methods they will not suddenly work - all that will happen is things will escalate and become more distressing for everyone.

"negotiating rules or manipulating parents to get their own way"

I think it's more helpful to reframe what she is doing as trying to control things to stay calm in a situation that is making her very very anxious.

You are not 'giving in' by parenting differently - you are adapting your parenting style to suit your child.

By giving choice 'do you want x now or after dinner', you are not letting her manipulate you but just giving her a bit of control in order to stay calm.

By doing this now she will hopefully be less anxious and have more capacity to develop her own coping strategies she can call on as she gets older.

I'm not pretending it's easy though.

The book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is excellent at helping to reframe what your DD reacts and how you can support her. 'Kids do well if they can'