one of mine needed to be fed before the dc were allowed in a room together unsupervised.
strategies were : feed them, give them drinks, ensure they were warm not hot or cold, and not too noisy.
give him choices. do you want to get in teh car seat or do you want me to put you in? (both achieve my desired outcome)
leave extra time for travelling: keeps you calmer if you have time to wait it out.
if they do the rigid not bending into car seat. one hand over hips, one hand ready with car seat straps to put together. (how I can't remember)tickle childs waist with the hand that is over their hips, when they collapse in the middle, fasten car seat straps, while holding hips firmly into car seat. I think there was a knee placed strategically so they could not slide down either. this I do remember from the pushchair. otherwise you would get them in and the next thing you knew you were starting all over again as they had slithered out onto the floor.
other strategies, firm hugs, rocking on one plane, tickling to reduce the tension of all parties, keeping them separate at flash points. (still applies nnow they are big, our flash point is the hall, too small and too stressful for all involved,so one child at a time. )
remember they are not ruining it to spite you, they are communicating their distress through behaviour. change the stimulus/environment (and possibly throw in several years of time) and things might improve.
fuck neurotypical expectations. "they ain't going to work" and they will make you more stressed.
find his currency. what does he want most in the world to persuade him to behave? earning rewards for good behaviour is much more productive than punishments for bad behaviour.
make behaviour targets achievable. they should be getting sucess fairly regularly to start the positive feedback loop. seems you are understandably stuck in negative.
one of mine responds to being told they are really good at something. and he is seriously good at saying thankyou, really really good, even when he is in near meltdown he can say a grumpy thankyou which is amazing. he spontaneously thanks me for stuff sometimes, in a way he really means.
when they get a skill, like letting dd watch tv without beating her up and attacking the tv, keep praising it, otherwise he might lose the positive feedback and regress.
if they do something good, even little, praise them, make a fuss, it might work. (for some kids they do not give a damn what you think so this may of course not work with yours)
disclaimer: this has what has worked for us. you will have to pick and mix from suggestions and ideas to find what works for you as it is guaranteed that yours is not the same as mine or any of the other kids on here. adapt them to suit your kid, fuck 'em if they make it worse,
often our attitude needs work. if we try and see past the behaviour, and comfort them in their distress, it helps us feel a lot less stressed and shit. this is one of the hardest things we have to do as they bloody well know how to push buttons sometimes.
also do not forget that the nursery can be winding him up with expectations, and sensory over load which you reap the whirlwind of when he gets home. they can come out of school like some unexploded bomb with a hair trigger. probably still got the scars to prove it
sometimes you can only ride it out til it is over.
I have it on good authority from the neuroteam that at some point their ability to control themselves will surpass the propensity to melt down. (I can see the graph now. ) we are still waiting for this to happen... a lot of work on it is being done to help them too.
tag team with your partner.
deep massage
blowing bubbles is calming. (breath control)
sorry a lot of waffle. just back froma funeral and it is late.