5yo expulsion from private school - now what?

[MummyMilla]

My DS2 was 5 in July. Reception team had referred him for assessment due to hypo sensitivity and sensory seeking behaviour inc some very rough and physical play. OT assessed in June and confirmed all of the above with a plan for how to manage, and advice that paed assessment further down the line if things deteriorate. Which they have spectacularly.

We moved both boys to an independent school in Sept - my eldest is v sporty and was at clubs every night etc and the school assured us that they could meet DS2's needs too.

Started well then very quickly unravelled. Numerous episodes of violence towards staff and peers, which resulted in an internal exclusion. The last week he hit a girl for the second time (no obvious reason) and was excluded.

I've been told today that they won't be able to meet his needs and we need to find another school.

I'm devastated. His previous state primary was lovely and he had friends etc, I had just (naively) thought that smaller classes etc would be better for him. We're currently awaiting an NHS paed appt, which is slated for May but is being expedited due to everything. But still no date. And we have a private ed psych booked for Jan...but she obviously needs to assess him in a school.

I've emailed his old school to see if there might still be space for him there but just feel lost. I've spent the last week in tears and feel like such a terrible mum for letting this happen to him. He's scared, confused and simply doesn't know why he hurts people. I know that it's not out of spite or malice and just want him to protect him

I can't offer much help but can offer a handhold. My ds was very similar at the start of year 2 (mainstream) and had increasing exclusions for violence that he couldn't explain and his self esteem plummeted and he was seen as a naughty boy. He's now 8, diagnosed autism (Aspergers type) and is home educated as no school meets his needs even with an EHCP. It's an awful place to be. Violence isn't tolerated at school regardless of the reason and if the reason is anxiety about the environment, the constant worrying that you will do something wrong and the exclusions will make it more likely to happen. I hope everything works out for you x

Thanks for the reply witchesbroth.

Yes, a pretty lonely place to be. The hard thing for us is that he's spiralled so quickly and he has become this anxious little thing. Whereas we've always had a really outgoing, happy, sociable and confident boy.

Met with school today and they are providing a full time 1:1 and part time timetable whilst we try and find another school. He's immature for his year (19th July birthday) and we're toying with a Steiner school so that he can just play. We know that when his sensory needs are met and he's 'managed' (i.e. obvious flash points are avoided), the negative behaviour is minimal. We just need to try and find somewhere that he'll be supported - fingers crossed!

Thanks again for the reply xx

I'm not sure if Steiner would be the best option if there are any sort of special needs, there have been posts here before about it. I know I wouldn't send my ASD son to one.

@mummymilla how are things now? It sounds to me as though you need an assessment / diagnosis. I found that once I got a diagnosis (ADHD and ASD in our case) it gave me the backing to go in and ask for (demand) reasonable adjustments. And I learned so much through the support organisations locally for both ADHD and Autism. What a journey its been over the last few years. But ADHD Richmond and NAS Richmond have really saved my sanity. And whilst I don't need a diagnosis to join either of those groups, I would never have known about them if it wasn't for the diagnosis.

@strix - we actually got a private diagnosis for ADHD today, along with CREST?

She's prescribed meds and we're going to start trial this Sat, ahead of him going back to school on Monday. School have said he's allowed in if he has a 1:1, so we're paying for mornings initially. We cannot afford it FT but school are going to apply for support via EHCP too and I think they'll take it to governors too.

So we'll see where things end up.

Feeling very mixed about the whole thing TBH. We also moved his older brother to the school and so logistically we're just not in a position to have them at different schools right now. So lots of big decisions ahead...

Just wanted to chip in with....I wouldn't recommend a Steiner school. We have two close to us and children with additional needs are regularly leaving because they don't cater to their needs effectively. Also the playing all the time and being super creative is not quite the case as it's actually quite structured in a way.

Sounds like state school wiuld be best if you can get his place back....they can apply for funding to get him extra support in some circumstances. Also, you can legally take children out of school to home educate if you didn't want to send him in the meantime. Sounds like he could do with some decompression time.

Thanks @rebelrosie12

His place in his old school has gone and we're on the waiting list for there. Also going to see another outstanding state school on Tuesday - having spoken to their SENCO, she sounded a little worried about whether they could cope with DS! I do wonder if they'll be happier now we have it diagnosed though and so we can apply for EHCP?

A friend whose kids are at a Steiner have totally put me off it, so no worries there!

x

I have three kids - two on adhd meds. And it has changed all our lives for the better. Absolutely, it has enabled my boys to access their education. I hope it does the same for yours.

Have you thought of homeschooling until things settle a little.

@strix - that's reassuring to hear. It feels so counter-intuitive in so many ways, but I do know that it's wonderful when it works.

@flyingsouthwiththeswallows - he was off for most of Dec TBH and is in a much better place re: sleeping and eating. He's only going to be doing mornings for Jan with the 1:1 with him the whole time.

I love him dearly but he's so full on (as are all neurodiverse children) that I too need a break. He actually really enjoys the social side of school and so I am loathe to pull him out fully unless I felt it was damaging him (or others!).

Sorry for the delay in replying MummyMilla

My experience of homeschooling (I am a GM, so not involved full time) is that it is a very nurturing environment for children like your DS. Not all children are ready for school at 5 and in this environment they can learn in their own way, at their own pace.

What you may not have been able to do yet, is get involved with local HS communities. Your son doesn't need to be alone. These communities are very inclusive, supportive of individual needs and fantastic at organising combined learning opportunities that the children can engage in with others. They will also provide a supportive environment for you.

I regularly take my GC to Homeschooling events. Whilst the children are involved in lessons with a fantastic Science, English or Maths tutor (everyone chips in to pay his fees) I get to share coffee and a chat with the other parents.

You are welcome to PM me if you would like more info.

I have been through the exact same scenario op. My son was also asked to leave his independent school following a diagnosis of ADHD. It was a dreadful time. My strong advice would be to get your ds back into the state system (and I say that as a parent with other children still attending independent schools). Independent schools prefer in my experience the one box fits all phrase. As heartbroken as I was at the time I have to admit that I now have the most wonderful little boy back. Initially he had meds but no longer needs these as school are very proactive at recognising triggers and well he never needed them at home anyway. For us the unbendable environment that many independent schools have was the main cause of our ds exacerbation of his ADHD. One school certainly does not fit all.