Asking for opinions on 4 year old DD

[Knoxinbox]

Name changed as I feel like I’m sharing some pretty personal things about DD....

My DD is just turned 4.... I’ve always had a concern at the back of my mind that maybe she is not neuro typical...

I came across this link and she ticks so many of the criteria:
taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/06/22/first-signs-of-asperger-syndrome-in-young-girls-pre-school/

However I feel like many of these traits (stubbornness, inflexibility, obsessive interests, delayed social skills etc) are also “normal/typical” 3/4 year old behaviour traits....no??

For a long time I kept her emotions in check by basically meeting all her needs. I’m a SAHM, I BF until 3 and coslept etc. I didn’t actually leave her until she was 2! And even then I only left her with DH to go to the dentist! So she was largely happy and meltdowns were infrequent (every other month or so?) could be somewhat predicted and worked around.

This year though we have relocated internationally and had a baby (now 3 months old) and her behaviour has really deteriorated. She flies off the handle and has meltdowns at the slightest thing: today she screamed and cried until she was almost sick for 30 minutes because we asked her to stop looking at her books because it was lunchtime. She had a series of 10 books and had only looked at 7 of them and didn’t want to stop until she had finished them all - which is typical of the sort of thing that bothers her, like she cannot deal with the task not being “completed”.

She’s very anxious, almost displays certain OCD type behaviours sometimes, has huge separation anxiety and still sleeps in my room with the new baby. She refuses to potty train, has meltdowns over things like being measured for shoes/having her hair washed or toenails cut....

She also has hypermobility and suffers from constipation unless on daily movicol (her diet is good: full of fruit and fibre). She suffered with severe Cows milk and soy protein allergies as a baby and only grew out of them around 3.

She’s always hit her major developmental milestones (although she didn’t walk until 15 months) has been very verbal and communicated well although has only recently started to talk to people outside our immediate family. She’s not great at eye contact though and I feel like she doesn’t really understand other children or how to play with them...

I don’t know maybe it’s just our circumstances this year. I’m certainly not trying to label her! I’m just worried about how she’s going to cope with starting school next September...

Any advice? Thoughts?
Anything sound atypical? How do you even generally get assessed or who would you report concerns to? HV?? Would you just wait and see how things pan out with starting school first?
Any website or book recommendations?

Thanks in advance!

Hopefully this link works!

taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/06/22/first-signs-of-asperger-syndrome-in-young-girls-pre-school/

She sounds quite like my DD who is autistic (and hypermobile). I would try to find out as it can be a real help understanding what is building her anxiety and helping avoid meltdowns. DD was also a late walker (even later actually, about 19 months). That can be caused by sensory issues together with the hypermobility (proprioception). She was also late to potty train and still has a teaspoon of Movicol in her breakfast juice at 4.5 (this can be triggered by interception issues).

DD also had very advanced language in terms of vocab, but it was mainly nouns (I realise now) and she was late to use language to ask for things. She still has a tendency to try to fix things herself and get frustrated rather than ask for help. She was very late to point and wave and still isn't great at saying hello or goodbye. Eye contact is quite good with us but less with others.

She has always been a bit behind socially. Like your DD she has great focus and soaks up facts on things she is interested in.

She is a wonderful girl and very happy (albeit a bit anxious, but she's getting better and better at managing that). But I think the fact that we and her school can understand that she cannot be "coaxed" or "cajoled" out of her anxiety and when to back off and let her regroup really helps. So if she is autistic (and you're right of course that autistic traits are just human traits writ large!) then I think a diagnosis could help you both and her school.

I would try GP first. Write down your examples of rigid or repetitive behaviour and of sensory issues. Tania Marshall is great but I'd try to find some pages from the NHS or National Autistic Society on autism in girls to take with you in case your GP is uninformed and wants a more "official" source.

In the mean time I'd look up Self Reg (Shanker) on behaviour stuff. If you google "the iceberg model" or behaviour = communication it should be one of the top options.

There are lots of good resources on YouTube too. I particularly like Purple Ella. She is autistic as is her daughter and one of her sons. She has a nice interview with her daughter. Other autistic women to look up on YouTube include Sew Many Books, Invisible I, and Sarah Hendrickx.

If you're on Twitter the Hashtag #AskingAutistics is very useful.

Lots of autistic kids struggle to manage their emotions. I really like books on emotions and friendship by Molly Potter.

Books like Just Imagine and You Choose can help with flexible thinking (and also conversation skills... E.g. teaching her to take turns choosing something from the page, or ask you back what you just asked her). If turn taking is hard there is also a good book of games for kids on the autism spectrum.

Good luck, and try not to worry. If your DD is autistic (or has autistic traits) then learning more about it will help you and her manage her anxiety and will help her become more independent and confident. You'll get there! It's hard work but also fascinating and rewarding. You may well find you learn a lot about yourself or your husband too!

I haven't done this myself yet but you might find it useful. It's free at the moment.
www.autism.org.uk/professionals/training-consultancy/online/women-and-girls.aspx

Thankyou both for your replies, especially lighttripper for taking the time to write such a long reply.

How did your DD get diagnosed? What prompted you to look into it?

Does she had ASD or Aspergers if you don’t mind me asking - since you say she sounds similar to my Dd

They don't diagnose Aspergers any more, it's all just autism. I think she probably would have been diagnosed Aspergers if it was still around as she doesn't seem to have any language or learning delays.

I actually still wouldn't have noticed anything now (well, I would have noticed her anxiety and that she likes control, but I am anxious and like control too so I wouldn't have thought to give it a label).

We have a nanny and it was our previous nanny who spotted it. She first picked up that she wasn't asking for things and wasn't pointing. She then noticed that DD tended to prefer to play alone when her peers were starting to play alongside, and then alongside as her peers were starting to play properly "with" each other. She's doing really well socially now, but my understanding is this is often the case for a while and then the other kids make a "leap" in social sophistication and the autistic kids can be left a little bewildered until they catch up.

But yes, not my catch at all. I think if I'd been a SAHM I would still be in the dark, and school would probably put her anxiety down to shyness, bad parenting or both!