Struggling to cope with DD behaviour

[DuploRelatedInjury]

Probably a badly worded title as I know she can't control some of her reactions. DD1 is 4 and diagnosed recently as having ASC.

Today she's screamed a lot. I have been smacked, head butted and hit so hard on one side of my glasses I wouldn't be surprised if they've bruised the bridge of my nose. DD2 is extremely clingy at the moment, demanding milk all the time. And clambering all over me all the tine as toddlers do. Im still getting up multiple times a night and starting my day between 4-5am more often than not. I've lost my temper and shouted which I feel bloody awful about. Then DD2 got her leg stuck in the safety gate while I was dealing with DD1.

I can't see how this is going to improve. It keeps getting harder and harder. And it's nothing compared to what other parents have to deal with, probably. I'm terrified DD2 will start to copy DD1s behaviour. The house is a state because I can't keep on top of it. I'm not a good parent to either of them. I can't cope but obviously have no choice but to keep going. I daydream about having to go into hospital or something just to escape for a week.

Will it get better?

It will get better. It will also get better if you find a way to look after yourself even if its just an hour a week or 15 mins a day. I was struggling on the begining as well but refocusing on how precious my child is helped. Leave expectations, leave comparing and try to enjoy little things- they are big in reality. I keep my fingers crossed for you. You are not a bad mum, you looking for support here means you keep trying and not giving up. Refocus is my advice

How old is DD2? Still a toddler (and sounds like maybe a young one?) which means this would be a tough bit even with NT kids. I have an autistic DD 4.5 and DS 1.5 and it's a lot of work even without challenging behaviour ... but it's already getting better as DS gets more independent.

I wonder if DD1's behaviour could be partly linked to DD2 being so clingy? She could be trying to get your attention when there isn't enough of it to go around (not a criticism of you - just inevitable in this bit of life!)

Do you have anybody who could help you out so you can spend some 1:1 time with each of them? Is DD1 in reception or is that next year? If you're at home with both of them all day it's not surprising you're frazzled: are there any kind of playgroups (even if you can't leave them, maybe a local autism parents group/stay and play where they can rampage while you have a coffee with non-judgmental parents in a similar situation?)

I know this is not for everyone, but we have had problems with DS still being a rubbish sleeper, and the last week or so we've just left him to cry/self-settle a bit longer (previously I was going in within a minute or 2, now I'll leave it 3 or 4 to see if he'll settle unless he's sounding really distressed) - and it has really helped his sleep (and therefore our ability to cope with things during the day!) But sounds like your DD2 may be younger?

Thanks @Hehx3

@LightTripper DD2 is nearly 15 months. She's into everything and I spend most of the time (when I'm not stopping one or the other of them from doing something dangerous) while they're both at home running interference to stop DD1 lashing out at her for picking up one of her toys - it was easier before she could move. Now DD2 wants to do whatever her sister is doing, which sometimes DD1 will tolerate but often triggers her to start screeching. I need to do some sort of sleep training but if DD2 cries it sets DD1 off so I have put it off and off.

DD1 is in reception so I do get a break (although on half term this week which is probably why I'm more stressed) but have been having problems at school. She's been given a 1:1 again now for the mornings (she had one at nursery, we've been waiting for approval for this year since June) so hoping this might improve things a bit there. My DM lives close by and does help most days as we've had near misses on the school run so my DM will watch DD2 if she’s about so I can concentrate on DD1.

The nearest support group/ASC stay and play is about 35 miles away and I can’t drive. I can’t really go out with both of them on my own as DD1 has zero sense of danger and will run off if scared by noise, not going where she thought we were etc and I can’t catch her without leaving DD2 unattended.

Ahhh that's tough but hopefully end of half term will help! And 15 months is kind of maximum work in my view, as they are mobile but can't really listen to instructions yet and still need helping with everything. Already with DS at 20 months I think things are so much easier. I know it probably seems ages away but by next summer your DD2 will be so much more independent and starting to be able to communicate her needs better, and hopefully that will make things easier for DD1 (plus my DD1 with ASC also just started reception and I think it just takes a huge amount out of them ... again hopefully as they get more used to the places and routines and people it becomes easier for them and they have more "spoons" left over to deal with home life).