DS - Year 1 - Anger issues and ASD

[Rapunzelrella]

I’ve spent the last couple of hours shut in our bedroom crying. Anyone who has experience if this, any advice would be really appreciated.
Our eldest son (just started year 1) was diagnosed with ASD last year. We knew he was different from other kids, but it still came as a shock. We’re probably still processing it all to be honest. Cognitively he is very able and bright but socially he struggles, and following instructions is a real challenge. School have been great (mainstream, state) but we all knew transitioning into year 1 would be a challenge for him as it is so much more work focussed when he wants to do his own thing. No 1 on 1 or education plan yet (though they want one), but has support from OT and the school ed psych from time to time.
His anger issues have got out of control. He’s always had a temper – can’t cope with anything that doesn’t go his way, or anything outside of what he expects, or anything that doesn’t go perfectly as he wants. This week has been awful. He’s been in the head’s office every day. He’s been shouting and screaming all day and refused to do anything. At home everything is shouting and screaming, throwing anything he can grab at our heads, tearing things, smashing things. Tonight has been a warzone; shouting he hates us all.
We don’t even know what’s causing it. I’m guessing the structured day and demands of Year 1. But I need to do something to help him as it can’t carry on like this. It has been getting steadily worse and this week, and tonight, its just overflowing. I don’t know what kind of help to get for him, or how. I can talk to the Senco but they try strategies that just don’t seem to help. We read books on temper and anger, I try reward charts, but none of it seems to make any real difference.
Has anyone else been there with this and found anything that helps? External help or anything we can do ourselves?
Sorry this is so long.

My own DS is a little older and this age was especially difficult.

Tbh I don't think reward charts and punishments are helpful for this kind of behaviour because it assumes he has the power to change what he is doing and that may not be the case. It sounds like he is reacting.

Does the meltdown change depending on your reaction? Or does it last until its finished regardless?

I tried bribery and rewards, zero effect. Because the things he found really difficult were still really difficult. Adapting his environment and triggers has been much more effective in reducing incidents. Factoring in that dressing will take 25 mins and he CAN'T do it faster no matter how frustrating it is. Does that make sense?

My advice would be look at what are the recurrent triggers? What can be changed? Some things can't be changed and remain bloody hard work.

But ease your own stress as much as you can because it's easier to cope when you try to bend with the breeze rather than keep trying to stop the wind from blowing

Thank you! I've felt so alone I wasn't even sure anyone would reply.

The rewards seem to help with the easier stuff but not the big stuff if that makes sense. So, to get him to do his homework at the weekend I can bribe him with a reward chart for a toy he really wants and that seems to work. It isn't foolproof but at the moment seems to prevent the biggest battles. But that is just getting him to do something he's perfectly capable of, but just doesn't want to do it. As you say, it doesn't help with the bigger stuff like the emotions.

I'm struggling to know what is really triggering it as it mainly seems to be at school. It doesn't help that he's really good at telling me what I want to hear and lying about the rest. So everyday he will tell me he had a really good day, got on with his work and behaved really well. It is only when I probe that he admits what happened.

My best guess is that it is a combination of struggling to have to concentrate on stuff he doesn't want to do all day but is told he has to, and then getting worked up if either he doesn't fully understand something or he tries to do something but it doesn't come out as he thinks it should. Basically, if he can't do something perfectly first attempt he doesn't want to do it and the process of trying makes him furious - hence the ripping things up, smashing things and so on. If that is it, I'm not sure how much of that can be adapted in school?

That's just my best guess though. At home we try and give him the down time to play, watch his dvds and not have to follow instructions, so the outbursts are usually less.

I just don't know if I should be trying to get him more professional help, or trying other tactics at home to help him in school. Just at a loss.

OK. Have a chat with the teacher to get a better idea of what they are seeing at school first of all.

Things that might be worth trying - frequent movement breaks for sensory input . Eg send him to the next classroom to fetch A Thing. A wobble cushion to sit on or put under feet if fidgety. Is handwriting a struggle, DS would get his hair off if you made him try to write because his pencil grip is awful and the paper is too scratchy etcetera. I scribe his homework (we rarely do any) so he still learns the stuff and he uses a laptop mainly.

Dressing, we just don't wear a tie like the others do. He regularly takes his shoes and socks off in class and lounges on a beanbag. He needs short frequent reminders and prompts or he's off in a dreamworld.

Year 1 was the worst for us, now starting yr5 and it's better. Still a grind, but better. Hope that's a few ideas at least

School can request OT and SALT input to support him, it was useful for him.

This sounds like you have described DS spookily accurately! Thank you. It's probably about time we had a TAC meeting at school anyway so will suggest one for asap and use that as a forum with teacher and senco. Thank you again!

I'm currently still trying to get mine to bed. It's really hard going sometimes I know. But he was all chatty and full of beans on the way back from school with some stops to admire a big cluster of fungi and a wonky bit of tarmac that looked like a love heart apparently. We are late for everything, always, still. He's really lovely but Arggh

This was ds at the start of year 2, very similar in all ways. Unfortunately we're at the start of year 3 with 8 exclusions and 6 months of a reduced timetable and no sign of things getting better but I am understanding his needs more and we are getting more outside help. Get on to all the agencies - SLT, OT, CAMHS, ed psych - all their advice formulates the EHCP which gives him the support that's needed - it just takes forever.

Thanks everyone. I've contacted the senco to ask for some feedback on what's being going on. Feeling calmer after sleeping (as always)... will see how today goes...

Hi there, a lot of things you mentioned describe my daughter. So I sympathize with you so much and I would say hang there which is easier said than done. Year 1 was the worst time of our lives. My daughter lost the freedom of unstructured play and had to sit at a desk all day and the work got harder, teacher demanded more. It caused a lot of anxiety for her and we had meltdowns before and after school and for every little thing. We now use PDA parenting strategies which means reducing a lot of the demands, e.g we don’t ask her to do very much unless it’s essential and and every thing is a choice rather than a demand. We do homework in short bursts and reward her with the use of an iPad and it works better than any other strategy and believe me we have tried everything. We discuss the days plan with her and give her time to process changes in plans otherwise this will lead to a meltdown, and we count down to when the activity will take place. We allow A LOT of time for getting ready for an activity, e.g getting ready for school going shopping. My daughters anxiety mainly is related to issues surrounding school so we allow her plenty of downtime after school, e.g time on IPad, drawing, playdough. I do believe if homework is not beneficial it’s not worth the stress at home and asking teacher to reduce the amount completed at home may work. However reading practice is a must. Our kids spend 6 hours trying to conform, pay attention, regulate emotions it’s normal for them to release emotions at home. But in a safe way. I quiet space with some sensory toys, weighted blanket could help both at school and home and regular breaks. We talk with our daughter a lot about her emotions even though it’s incredibly hard for her to talk about things that are upsetting. Also we have to sift through what is truth and what is fabricated. It’s takes all of our strength to keep it together when she’s having one of her outbursts, we try to remind her how much we love her and offer cuddles when she’s willing.

It will help if you think of it not as temper or anger but anxiety.

All great responses from pp. My boys aŕe older now, but I would take 2 weeks off work at the start of every school year because of the stress of transitioning back to school. The angry behaviour is probably anxiety. Sensory issues are very real for asd kids, and large classrooms with lots of noise/activity can completely overstimulate many of them. X