Thanks all.
We've had 2 years of hell with the school - bullying on a class level, constant misunderstandings with friends leading to social isolation and anxiety on a massive level.
We looked at changing schools (one private option and one state option) at the end of last term - she went for a day at each and decided she wouldn't cope with the change. She came out white faced and shaking, they called us early at the state school as she really wasn't coping. In retrospect this is her meltdown point.
The head suggested she might be on the spectrum and arranged for an LA ed psych to assess her, which happened last week. Although not an official diagnosis - and round here it can take up to 2 years apparently with NHS waiting lists, the EP was pretty clear that it would just be a rubber stamp.
We're waiting for her report, which she has promised to send through this week. She spent 2 hours on the phone with us last week though, talking through all the options. She seemed pretty switched on and supportive, but I'm not clear on the role of the EHCP yet and how it would help her.
The EP was clear that there were things that could be put in place which would help her in advance of secondary school, and that she would be recommending them in her report. Her reason for not worrying about an EHCP too much was that in Herts the schools have already been given additional SEND funding - she said they don't like you to know this, but you don't have to wait for an EHCP to force them to make "adequate provision" to support her learning, and gave me an act to quote to them if it was problematic.
My DD has a residential week this week with school, and I'm not sure whether she will cope. To be fair to the school, they have reacted quickly and supportively to my insisting that they put additional provisions in place to keep her supported and have listened and taken note on all the meltdown triggers. She has ways to communicate that she's not coping and my parents have very kindly agreed to "holiday" there so if she's struggling she can see them or go away with them.
I'm going to read and digest all your incredibly helpful advice once she's gone and I may well be back to ask more questions. I had looked at Egerton Rothesay as a possibility but we couldn't fund it ourselves, and would need the LA to do this, which clearly they won't without an EHCP. As time isn't on our side we need to get a move on with this.
The secondary school I was thinking she would go to is our nearest school, and is supposed to be excellent at addressing the needs of the individual. I spoke briefly to the SENCO at the open day and she's happy for me to go in and meet them in advance of me making a decision.
I suppose what I'm trying to get my head round (and I hope I don't cause offence to anyone with my clumsy terminology) is that I have been working along the lines of DD being NT with a few anxiety and social issues for a long time. To be told that it isn't that and that she will need additional support to cope in a mainstream setting - well, to be honest, it's a bit of a head f*ck for me. She's always been academically bright and was seemingly socially confident until the end of year 3 (which is when I understand a lot of girls start with issues) and she has been brilliant at masking her difficulties, so for the last 2 years I've thought she's just been in a very difficult class with a couple of known bullies who have targeted her, and that's been the issue.
I've been wishing the time away until secondary school, as so many people have told me tales of their shy children blossoming when they escaped the very narrow social confines of a small primary school. I'm now realising that, for her, this is not going to work without a lot of support.
Thanks for the book recommendations - I'll get them and have a look.
Thanks lovelies - I will be back....