How do I help my child

[Sweettoothfairy]

I am in my late 40s and have long suspected I have some form of ASD/Aspergers. I am married and suspect my husband is the same.
I know I’m not a professional/doctor but am trying to give a bit of background for my thinking.
We have a DC who is 12. They were assessed age 3 at my request (husband was very much against this) by a child psychologist. Her report stated they were a bright, engaging child who enjoyed sharing their ideas and felt there was nothing to be concerned about. When DC started junior school after a few months they were put on IEPS for their behaviour, not listening, fidgeting, rough play, getting frustrated when things don’t go to plan.
We were sent for by the school SENCO who mentioned DC tipping back in their chair which suggested low muscle tone. That was as far as she got as husband (usually a very gentle person) got very angry and made it clear he didn’t want to hear any more.
His opinion was that the school expected every child to behave the same. Be a good little girl/boy sit quietly and do your work and anything from the norm was put down to having a SEN related issue. This has caused a lot of arguments between us as I am of one opinion and him the other. I think because he has his own quirks he doesn’t see an issue with DCs.
Our DC didn’t have a very happy time there. DC had friends in the class which they played with in school but was not invited to many parties and having play dates was usually instigated by me. DH is a bit of a loner.
Now in High School this pattern is continuing. DC has a few friends from class but is saying things like all the class hate me. Sometimes DS will cry and say what is wrong with me? I approach X,Y and Z to talk to them and they tell me to go away. Having said that I witnessed a child deliberately wait for DC and tried to start a conversation. DS gave them little encouragement. Although DC is good with sports they will be one of the last picked for a team.
This is breaking my heart as it just seems to be a rerun of my own childhood. How can I help/advise my child when a. I’m not good with friends/social situations myself and b. I may be perceiving the situation wrong and it may all be part of growing up/working out your own ways of dealing with this. Am I making my own insecurities influence this situation?

I think you should make an appointment to see the school SENCO (probably without your husband) explain your concerns and take it from there.

Ellie56, just to add some info. DC has now moved from junior to High School. The school have not raised any concerns over DCs behaviour, if anything they say DS is a model pupil so would probably be surprised. It’s more the social/friend situation that is the issue.
I am reluctant to go it alone where husband is concerned as he did reluctantly go and speak to his own GP about the school’s concerns and ask if in his opinion DC needed to be referred. I said I would accept the GPs decision whatever it was. The GPs reply was if I referred every child based on what the school says the waiting rooms would be bulging at the seams with children that didn’t need to be there. So cased closed from husbands point of view. It got to the stage when I thought if I push the issue any further it is going to split our marriage up and that leaves our child with me a single parent who thinks they may or may not have an SN issue vs a dad who thought his child was perfect the way they were and couldn’t see anything that needed investigated and took the SENCOs observations as a criticism/bad teaching of his child.
My question is more how to help my child as a parent with possible ASD/aspergers traits myself. I’ve read about people getting a diagnosis later in life and others asking why what’s the point at this late stage so it’s not that I’m self diagnosing myself, just trying to be as accurate as possible.

The school have not raised any concerns over DCs behaviour, if anything they say DS is a model pupil so would probably be surprised

Yes but this is often the case, especially with higher functioning pupils, who "mask" while at school. Clearly DS feels different from the other students and if this is not addressed now it could lead to mental health issues later on.

If you read through past posts on here and SNChat, you'll come across a lot which are written by mothers wanting their kids to be assessed and saying that their DC's fathers (and close family) are absolutely opposed to the idea.

Your DC is 12 and has coped so far without school support.
However, school is now far more focused and interactions with other kids are far more complicated and hormones will be running riot. Pressure to do well in GCSEs and your DC's own awareness of their differences is going to come to a head one way or another.

The usual pattern for kids with undiagnosed ASD and other conditions is for them to be perceived as more different as time goes on, the likelihood of bullying increases because of that and without a diagnosis, the DC is left without any answers as to why they are in fact different to their peers.

This can result in MH problems or a breakdown for DC. Without assessment for ASD/whatever needs, that can then lead to treatment for MH conditions which are only apparent because the ASD or whatever condition is undiagnosed.

There's no either/or with ASD, if someone has it, they have it, they will have had it from birth and they will continue to have it all their lives.

Not having a diagnosis does not mean someone does not have autism.
Not having a diagnosis closes the doors to help.

Having a diagnosis can bring help from school e.g. for the unstructured times of day, a time out card if DC is feeling overwhelmed in class, attending a social skills class.
Very few schools will do that solely on a parent's request.

Not all GP's are very clued-up about autism. I'd be very surprised that this was actually the situation, "The GPs reply was if I referred every child based on what the school says the waiting rooms would be bulging at the seams with children that didn’t need to be there"
because if you read through these SN boards you'll notice that time and time and time again, especially with kids that mask, schools "see no problems" and say kids are "fine" when they mask and the GPs are very reluctant to refer unless a parent can find more evidence themselves because GPs like schools to agree that a DC needs assessment.

Ignore your husband's ridiculous stance. He needs to think of your DC, not selfishly think of himself. I've rarely heard of such ridiculous behaviour from an adult We were sent for by the school SENCO who mentioned DC tipping back in their chair which suggested low muscle tone. That was as far as she got as husband (usually a very gentle person) got very angry and made it clear he didn’t want to hear any more.

The issue here is what is best for your DC To give him the opportunity to find out why he is different, to give him the smoothest path through secondary school and beyond, or to ignore the fact he already is asking for help (Why am I different) and leave him to flounder.

I've tried to keep using DC as a neutral term but have reverted to using him, he, his etc. Apologies. Substitute she, her etc. If I try to change it now chances are the whole post will fizz into the ether so I'll just hit Post!

vs a dad who thought his child was perfect the way they were

Just to add - the above will still be true, your DC is perfect the way they are.

But the unfortunately world is not, and can particularly tricky to navigate for autistic people without the right support.

Your DH might have been able to find his own way through, but that shouldn't mean he blocks understanding and support for your DC.

Fwiw my DH (prob not completely neurotypical!) was v anti diagnosis but I cracked on anyway - nearly 6 years later he is fully onboard, albeit still always one step behind when it comes to any new developments (eg DS starting SS, which he just has).

To help to cope you need the key to unlock the puzzle of what is happening, how your DS 'works' inside, and you also need access to the right support and expertise at school, later at work, everywhere in life. The dx provides that key. It is liberating, empowering. It also provides some legal protection.

I would totally second what was already said.

I think undiagnosed adults on the spectrum, who are successful, are coping, rightly consider their hidden ASD side as their individuality, their character, their strengths and a totally normal, essential part of human diversity. And all this is absolutely true. It is true after the diagnosis as well.

There are often question why there is the ASD 'epidemic'. The answer for me is that the modern life puts much higher pressure, continuous pressure on people, children, from early years and throughout various aspects of life to function exactly in the 'right way'. Everything is much faster, more pressured, measured more relentlessly and oppressively than in my childhood, that there is no respite, nowhere to hide. We are supposed to interact on ten channels, socialise, have superior emotional intelligence, social capital,... have likes on FB, followers, publish ourselves, be leaderful, jump through the hoops of school systems and work systems. We are continuously ranked. But all those things were designed, calibrated, modelled on the NT extraverted majority. So what was totally under radar for some of earlier generations surfaces now in relation to school, friendships, bullying, MH, work, relationships. You will find on MN threads in all topics with adults seeking advice in relation to ASD.

The thing is ,the diagnosis provides the key to understand and analyse why DC are the way they are, how it is right, but different, and how they need to act, what they need to do to cope. What the school needs to do.

It is much harder and potentially damaging without this key, because the 'problems' arise at the contact with the outside world, but there are no answers (none that apply).

I've seen with my DC that ASD related problems tend to pop up and snowball year on year as the pressure, the demands increase with age and the delay has personal cost. I was seeking early diagnosis for DD at 3, but was told to wait until she reaches 'the threshold'. She was diagnosed at 11, way too late as the lack of right support damaged her confidence, her MH, her learning. Despite understanding what was happening, I couldn't really help sufficiently without the dx and EHCP because the problems were at school, not at home, it wasn't entirely about what I do. Maybe that's just me and my DD, but I think it is about that external pressure that needs to be 'adjusted'.

I can see completely that it might feel revolting, it does for me, to see individual preferences, values, strengths being labelled as 'disability'. But this label exists because some of those qualities put many people at a disadvantage in society in its current shape. The legal definition of disability is achieving the same goals, doing things in a different way. DC need the freedom, and the support to function in the way that works for them.