So DS started his new special school today

[Verbena37]

Feeling a bit strange.
After mainstream school refusal, online schooling for a year and fighting for and getting the EHCP, DS (13) started at a special school today.

The school is brand new and all very lovely and I was the first person to convince DH that academics weren’t currently important because it didn’t look like there’d be much of a choice gcse-wise. However, today I feel a bit ‘meh’ and wonder where this will end up. It all seems very ‘primary school’ and just not him at all.

The first thing he said after school was that it much less stressful than mainstream but then reeled off a long list of negatives....mainly about the lunch table and being sat with younger kids with yoghurts (his worst nightmare) and how some children in his class repeated words for 20 minutes etc.

He said he might go back to his old mainstream but I explained that he would end up refusing again and not coping.

Don’t really know how to feel positive. I know people here have previously said it’s more important to get them less anxious and going into a school. I just worry about how he will get to do normal GCSEs on a limited timetable and just feel so bleurgh about everything!

Hi Verbena,

It's a bit of a shock all round when you go from a mainstream school to a special.
I remember when I first went round a special and I was like 'this is nothing like a proper school' - several months later and that was exactly why my DS needed to go there.
That said your son is older and GCSE's are a genuine consideration.
I would take a look at his timetable and arrange a meeting to discuss options.
5 GCSE's are the standard that most colleges ask for, so that's a starting point.

If they are small, they also might be able to be flexible e.g. your son could access GCSE's online at school, but with support from the staff to organise his time, mark his work etc. Do they at least offer Maths, English and Science?
He could also possibly be supported by the staff from this school to access GCSE's in a nearby mainstream school - just going there for the lessons and returning to the school for the rest of the time.
If they are new, they might not be at full capacity yet and the situation might improve.
Keep communicating constantly with the school. Let them know specifically what is bothering him, as they know how these small things can cause anxiety e.g. if he's sat with younger kids, can they organise for him to sit elsewhere, even if it's on his own or with staff?
My son did not have access at all to GCSE's at his special school, but did have the time to focus on social skills. He's accessing them now in Sixth Form. With an EHC Plan, he can get support until he's 25 if necessary (apart from at Uni where support is different).
Getting the social situation sorted is very important though - check he's with suitable peers. Don't be afraid to say the boy who repeats words is bothering him - my son finds many pupils 'annoying' and needs extra support to manage those relationships.
I hope things settle, but please don't be afraid to email them any concerns or go in and speak to them - in a collaborative way - you are not criticising; you just want to work with them to make things work.
Best wishes to him :)

Hi Calmed.
That was a really helpful post, thank you so much.
He had an issue in not wanting anyone to know he has ASD, which means he says he doesn’t want to go for gcse lessons at another school.

When we first spoke to the head, she asked DS if he felt like he could manage 1 gcse. DH and I were a bit ....thinking he could do way more than 1. However we now realise that actually, 1 or 2 might currently be the only option open to him. I guess once they’re all settled in, I can chat to them about options. Guessing they must be planning to assess his ability academically...although I’ve sent them his last reports from Interhigh and last mainstream one too. They said they wanted to get the teaching level correct for him, which sounds positive.

I’ll let him settle then chat to them.

Arghhhh, he tried to refuse school today!
Literally day 3 of new school and he was crying in bed saying he was going to kill hmself.

DH lost it a bit and starte threatening to drive him there in his boxers! Hmm, that’s made things 20x worse.

With a minute to spare (it’s a 20+ minutes drive), he finally got up and dressed but protested all the way there. For past 2 days, the teacher has made him read out loud in front of class. He absolutely hates reading in front of anybody so to make him do that on days 1 and 2 and his EHCP does explain about his hesitance to speak aloud.

Anyway, called school af drop off and asked that he isn’t made to read again until more settled. Why they would make them do something so overtly scary on their first day at a special school is a bit beyond me!

How's he been this morning Verbena?

My DS started SS this term too, but he's younger than your DS (year 5) so I think it's been a bit easier.

The school are amazing and I'd even go so far as to say he's enjoying it! There isn't a huge emphasis on academics in the formal learning way there was at MS, but that suits him - he's done baking, forest school, games with a local football team mentor. He's genuinely liked all of that.
And him being more calm has meant he has more capacity and he actually read out loud to me for the first time in about 3 years last week.

He doesn't like the journey 30 mins in a minibus) so that's the only sticking point (and that's more because I'm still taking DD to their old school so he sees that as unfair).

Hi Marshamallow,

Glad to hear your DS is settling well, albeit not liking the taxi journey.

Another morning of moaning and trying to refuse again here but managed to manhandle him into his polo shirt and trousers and he brushed his teeth, having refused last night.

The first thing he didn’t ask when I woke him was ‘is Dad here today?’. Guessing that means once my husband starts leaving us to cope in the mornings (he has currently got a late pass for work to help me in case he refuses), DS might try to refuse even more seriously.

He hates the school he says. I guess he just has to have to settle but with ASD children, it ya to be right from the word go and in a newly built, brand new school, where even the staff haven’t got all the answers yet, it’s tricky for DS who likes to have everything planned.

I feel really let down by specialst support services. Our support lady said she would help with his transition but we haven’t heard a word all summer. Their support has been sporadic and not really engaging with DS and I feel that at the time when we need her most, she hasn’t been here.

Yes I absolutely agree about it needing to be right from the start.

I think you need to pull out the big guns and tell support worker / LA / school that unless they don't get it right in the next week then DS is going to start refusing again.

I think what's helped with my DS's school is that whilst it's not ASD specific (it's classed as MLD, and there are children with a range of disabilities), it's very well established and the staff are extremely experienced.

From what I can glean (through DS and the home school book) they are very kind, calm and compassionate and take lots of time to understand when DS gets upset over something.
That is so vital.
I just really feel like they genuinely care about him.

I know this isn't much help for you - but I suppose what i'm saying is that there are good placements out there (but I recognise with your DS being older he might be accept being placed in a MLD school). There is a compromise on 'academics' but for my DS it seems worth it for him to enjoy being at school (obviously early days and massive 🤞 it continues, sure there will be bumps along the way).

Anyway - your priority is getting this placement to work. Put a firework up all of their bottoms Verbena.
They haven't done what they said they would do and you have a right to be angry / concerned.

Thank you.
I’ve emailed specialist support team to ask if there is any help. Not sure why they’ve suddenly stopped support.

Fab (and don't be afraid to follow it up with a phone call later too. Get those 🚀 going)

I’m generally not great at confrontation with nice people.
I’m wondering if lack of contact is due to our LA going bankrupt.

You don't have to be confrontational - just politely insistent ('hello - just checking my email came through ok this morning? I wondered when you might be able to respond as as I indicated things are reaching a critical point with DS and I really want us to all work together to make sure this placement works because another failed placement might affect him badly'

Or similar. Bankrupt or not - keep on pushing.
I really want it to work for you and your DS knowing what you've been through to get to this point.

(But equally if it isn't the right place for him, then the LA need to help you find one that is)

You’re last sentence....DH just keeps telling me ‘this is the only place left’. When i explain that the LA can replace him he just walks off and says I need to keep going with this.

When I said confrontational, I didn’t mean not politely ....I meant any off of asking for anything . I’m constantly thinking I’m going to annoy or offend them because of how bad his previous mainstream made me feel.

Specialist suppor hasn’t replied yet.
I told DH I’d mailed them and he said “oh don’t worry about them now he has a school place. They can’t help any more now”.

I don’t think that’s right and after the lady saying she was really excited about helping and supporting him with the transition to special school, it’s a bit odd that it’s all gone quiet and there was no contact at all before he started.

So yesterday he came out of school and said “nothing was bad today mum”. I was gobsmacked but played it cool. He said the only bad thing was he fell over during football but he showed me his bruises and scrapes and went on to tell me about another boy’s meltdown and chair throwing exploits!

He was positive about it all night and I think if we can bedtime reduced from 1:30am to a reasonable time, then he might be more willing to get up each day.
Hoping today is positive too.

Glad he had better day yesterday.

It's always a rollercoaster isn't it - I often wish it could just be more even keeled, rather than extremes of either terrible or good!

I agree with you that the support worker should be involved, especially as they said they would be. Just to oversee what the school are doing to support him and make sure it's aligned to his EHCP outcomes. Keep (politely!) chasing her.

Support worker got back to me asking for details of school teacher so I’ve sent that and she said she’d liaise with school to help him settle.

Another good day for him today. This boy hasn’t picked up a reading book for over 2 years and today he was telling me he’s enjoying his time reading in the afternoons that he made sure to do his work quickly so he could get back to his book! I almost passed out with shock!

He also told me he was yawning at midnight last night so he isn’t thinking he might be able to reduce his bedtime from 1:30am....phew, thought I.

is thinking he can reduce his bedtime from 1:30am