Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

what do you say to rude people?..........

19 replies

anniebear · 19/08/2004 20:26

As I was reading through lots of posts the other night (actually took a few nights, and yes, it has cured my E Bay addiction, I have not bidded for about four days!!!!!)

I read one post were a few of you were saying about people making rude comments about your special needs child.

What kind of comments have you had off people?

I am dreading getting any about Ellie but as she is quite delayed, but doesn't look it, I am sure I am due to get some stares and comments soon.

Thought I would prepare myself and have my retaliation ready!!!!

OP posts:
Piffleoffagus · 19/08/2004 20:55

I get lots of surprised looks when people find out dd is actually a yr older than she appears, they go, oh why is she so little and skinny then?
I have been known to say...
the same reason you're fat probably...

I have yet to hear a comeback from that...
But mostly people go oh was she prem?
I say
No, she has a heart condition... easier one liner than explaining an entire complicated syndrome...
One thing reading this SN board and having a dd with something like this, is that I now never judge anyone or their childs behaviour... ever...

unicorn · 19/08/2004 21:05

My kids aren't SN (as such),but am so relieved to hear what you say Piff, re judging others.
I have very strong willed/tantrummy/loud and active children (much more so than many of the friends I know, and yes I believe they do look on in judgement.)
call me paranoid but there is a certain smugness with some parents, they don't seem to have an iota of understanding, about the differences people face in childrearing, and are very quick to point fingers.
Anniebear- just think to yourself, what goes around comes around... and one day....!!!!!

Piffleoffagus · 19/08/2004 21:16

I always offer mums esp with threenagers or terrible two'ers a wry smile, I mean there but for the grace of God go I...
And the same goes for any children that appear obviously disabled etc
I also took time to explain to my ds when little, rather than teaching him to look away. Children are curious and will look/stare and/or comment, so it is best to introduce them to respect and understanding early on too...

blossomhill · 19/08/2004 22:23

I tend to say nothing usually but sometimes will bite back. I have people asking will dd be "normal" when she is older. People rarely believe that dd is so bright as she has special needs. They tend to think that she is stupid and I hate it when sometimes I feel as though I am convincing people.
A friend of dh came over for dinner and dh hadn't explained dd's sn. They had a new born baby and dd loves babies. Anyway dd kept going over to touch the baby (very gently I must add). They were having none of it and were giving off negative vibes therefore dd was at her worst as she was kept away from the baby and ignored by them.
After dinner the "friend" went on to say that his nephew had special needs and I asked what were they? His reply was "don't know he's like **(dd), you know not quite the full ticket!" I was flabberghasted and I turned round and said "charming, what do you mean" to which he replied stuttering and embarrased "You know what I mean".
When they had left, and believe me they more than outstayed their welcome and now looking back I should have kicked him out. I burst into tears and basically hit the bottle. It was the first time that anyone had ever been so hostile about dd and in her own home as well. Dh had been drinking and said I was over re-acting. I was mortified and furious with him. I explained that his friend was not welcome in my house again. How dare he, in the one place that dd feels secure and can be who she wants to be, make dd feel uncomfortable. I couldn't believe that anyone, especially someone that dh had known all of his life, could be so insensitive and damn right cruel. Who the hell did he think he was? The following morning when the drink had worn off dh was mortified too and agreed that he had been a complete ahole.
I hate this so called friend of dh's and that is a word that I never use.
Sorry that I have gone on but I meant to post this at the time and just couldn't as it was still very painful but felt this may have been the right moment.
The thing that annoys me so much is that dd didn't ask to have her difficulties in the same way that a child has diabetes or asthma. Unfortunately some people fail to acknowledge that fact.
This annie bear is very unusual though and hopefully this will never happen to you.

Yorkiegirl · 19/08/2004 22:32

Message withdrawn

Yorkiegirl · 19/08/2004 22:33

Message withdrawn

dottee · 19/08/2004 22:41

Well I know you're not talking about me YG because I've yet to apologise for my dd shoving yours off the little springy ride at Cannon Hall.

So .... SORRY!

(She's growing up and changing so fast ... she's standing her ground and woe be tide (sp?)to anyone in her way.)

dottee · 19/08/2004 22:42

So I can vouch Yorkie's not rude at all!

blossomhill · 19/08/2004 22:43

As I have said before Yorkiegirl I try and separate the sn from my dd as an actual person. It is only a very small part of her but I have to except that having a language disorder does effect parts of her life. As you say there are plenty of non-sn children that behave far worse than dd. Another thing that pi**ed me off recently was when I went for a meal with some of the mums from the shool. Dd goes to a mainstream school but accesses the unit. Anyway this woman was talking about her childs party and says something like I invited your dd but didn't invite the other 5 from the unit as they are hard work! Great dd was the token sn! How dare people assume that sn children all misbehave. Sometimes they do but most of the time there is a valid reason. Sometimes if dd doesn't understand or misenterprates things she plays up. Other times she plays up because she is a 4 year old and 4 year olds do! TBH some of the children in dd's class have far more behavioural problems then any of the unit children. I have never been called in about dd's behaviour whereas I have seen may of the mainstream children's being called in about their childrens behaviour.

coppertop · 19/08/2004 22:44

I get most annoyed about comments from people who really should know better. I remember taking ds1 to see the GP at the local walk-in centre. At the time ds1 hardly spoke at all and we only knew he was ill because he had a fever. After explaining to the GP that ds1 was autistic, the GP said "Hello". Ds1 copied him and said "Hello" back. The GP said "Oh well he seems fine to me!" I'm staggered that a doctor thought that a child couldn't possibly be autistic just because they could say hello.

My family are another example and regularly make comments about how ds1 is obviously 100% NT. Err....right!

With strangers who are deliberately rude I usually resort to either death stares or explaining loudly that ds1 has problems. It usually embarrasses them into silence. If it was obviously unintentional I either ignore it or explain quietly.

It doesn't help that ds1 looks a lot older than he is. At 4yrs 2mths he could easily pass for a 6yr-old.

Dingle · 19/08/2004 23:03

I've had one experience with a mobile hairdresser, there I was sitting in MY house , full of perming curlers and smelling of perm lotion. DD was only 3-4 months old. I had warned this woman when booking appointment that I had a toddler and a young baby, "no problem- I can work around you!" DD started to get a bit grumpy, was due a feed- I explained that I was still having feeding probs. and would need to get her feed organised. "Why, what's 'er problem?"After explaining dd has DS she replied"'ad a bit of bad luck 'ain't ya! If it were me I wouldn't 'ave taken IT outta 'ospital!"
I pray that no SN children are born to the likes of her and when she left, I just sat there and cried. I wasn't strong enough, especially in the early days, to put her right. People say they would have thrown her out of the house, but I bottled it up and lasted out the course of, what was, a terrible perm.
Now I am hopefully much stronger, if someone takes a second glance at dd, which we get quite a lot with her having DS, I feel like a need to tell them about her. Someone said it is as if I need to justify her condition, but to me it is my way of telling the ignorant or the interested out there about DS. I want to tell them about the positive part of our life....yes she does has DS, she isn't talking much, but WOW, she can sign over 100 words....It's my way of trying to educate people about her disability so that hopefully with a little more understanding they won't think of someone with a disability as so "unapproachable."
Sorry, absolute garbage!! and I haven't even had a drink!!

unicorn · 19/08/2004 23:14

dingle I think you have the right approach- try and educate people, treat everyone who stares at dd like they are a child, with a child's naive ignorance.
My daughter has stared at ds children - out of curiosity, she wants to know more, and isn't being rude... probably would want to play with them too, but because the parents/carers often feel uncomfortable with the attention, boundaries don't get broken down.

mummytojames · 19/08/2004 23:38

annie bear the best come backs i use is
get a life and stop bugging mine
and now i know why theres getting a lack of oxygen arounds here its the c* coming out of your mouth
im useualy a nice person but if one person says anything about my ds i lose it
my ds is not sn but he is very tall and big for his age

blossomhill · 20/08/2004 08:36

My dd is on the mild end of the sn spectrum but has mingeld with lots of children with varying degree of disability. Dd went to a mixed sn playgroup 50sn/50nt and I think that was great for dd as she learnt a lot from that. Dd doesn't look twice at a child with disabilites and neither does ds. He too has been around lots of children with sn as he would come with me to pick dd up and also the sn club I go too he comes along and plays. I think it has been a learning experience for the whole family!

Fio2 · 20/08/2004 12:46

I usually just feel really awkward Blush which is useless, and then get mad/angry and upset afterwards. DH is total opposite and will start mouthing off at people Blush

Caroline5 · 20/08/2004 21:24

Same here fio, I never think of what I should have said until afterwards. I usually just go away and get upset/angry later.

Debsbabe · 21/08/2004 16:16

I really dont know how i will react towards anyone whose negative yet, i feel that i will probably blow my top which isn't the best way to deal with things! I just feel so protective but again i dont feel that will do Cameron any good in the long term so i suppose i will have to learn how to handle people as time goes by!

The one thing which has annoyed me already is DH's dad who has said "well you aren't going to risk having anymore?" I thought bloody cheek is it that Cameron isn't good enough as he isn't a what they think normal baby? or am i over reacting? This is a diccision that is between me and DH and it is not one which i want to make yet as Cameron is only 9 days old besides it depends on what level of disability he has which we wont find out until he is older!

Sorry i am waffling again aren't i?

Love Debbie xxxx

eidsvold · 22/08/2004 04:09

Debsbabe (and others) - people do say the strangest things - when I casually mentioned no2 in a conversation with a friend when dd was about 8/9 months old she was shocked that we were considering another child given what we had been through with dd. When I did actually get pregnant and began telling people - most of my friends and good acquaintances were as pleased as we were. Just the odd 'ignorant person' who said stupid things and I just generally ignored them and silently reminded myself that their opinion did not matter - like you said - it is between your dh and you.

I am fairly firey and can go off on one and I have since learnt since dd was born to pick my battles iykwim or just to ignore silly comments made by others... I have also found preparing retorts helpful - replying with valid information to inform others eg. like when someone refers to dd as a downs baby I simply reply that the appropriate way to state this is in fact to refer to dd as a baby/child with down syndrome - after all she is a child/baby first....

you still will have moments when you will be gobsmacked/speechless and when that has happened - rather than getting annoyed with myself I just realise that I had to let it go.

eidsvold · 25/08/2004 09:01

just found this book at our DSAQ library - am going to borrow it and see what it is like... might be a help.

FACING THE CROWD.

Fullwood, D & Cronin, P 1989

Managing other people's insensitivities to your disabled child. Offers strategies for dealing with situations, feelings,etc

will let you know what it is like.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page