Potty training nightmare with my 4 year old DS

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I seriously need some advice and the continence nurse hasn't returned my calls, I think she may be on holiday.

I'm on week 4 of potty training my 4.5 year old. He has ASD and developmental delays, is operating at roughly the level of a 2 year old.

He is starting school in September so I was really hoping to have cracked it before then, however it isn't the end of the world if he doesn't as he's going to a special school, so they will be supportive of ongoing training I hope.

So he got wees within the first week and is totally dry at home. He can tell me he needs the loo and will now even take himself.

Poos are taking longer. He is dry at home if he is naked from the waist down. However if I put pants on him he will shit in them and not tell me.

Out the house is a nightmare. He will happily sit on a public loo and perform, but he just doesn't TELL me he needs to go so it's guess work. He has pooed and weed in his pants several times whilst we've been out. He doesnt even tell me he's wet or dirty and runs off when i ask him! He's poos aren't solid so unfortunately it's a complete mess to clean up.

I don't know where to go from here, I know he can do it. I don't understand why he's pooing when I put him in pants when he obviously knows when he needs to go? And why he won't tell me he needs the loo when we're out the house, as he isnt scared of public loos or anything?

Unfortunately his understanding of what we say to him is very poor, so I can't ask him what he's struggling with.

Reward charts don't work as he doesn't understand. Instant rewards work a bit but only tablet time, he couldn't care less about sweets or toys.

We have already done poo goes to pooland to death but I'm not sure he understands it?

I really don't want to put him back in pull ups as I feel it's a massive step backwards, but think we are going to have to, at least to leave the house. But that might confuse him and then he may regress in the house?

Please please please has anyone got any advice? 🙏

Maybe he just isn’t ready and that’s ok. I know it isn’t ideal for a four year old to be in pull ups but sometimes it is just the way it is. My dd was in them full time until she was 7. Then out of them at home during the day, then at home and school, then all day and finally at night as well and to be honest the whole process took over 3 years. And I just went at her pace she still needs help to get clean after a poo and wears a pull up if she’s ill but it’s a work in process. Do what works best for your little one. If he cannot understand what you want him to do then you can only go at his pace. Don’t over think it. It will be fine.

But he has full bladder and bowel control! He hasn't had a wee accident at home for 2 weeks. And no poo accidents whilst naked.

I just need him not to poo when in pants, and to tell me when outside the house like he does at home. I don't know how to get him to do these things.

It feels like we're so close and it would be such a shame to go back now

Pushing the issue might be the thing to set him back.

However, have you tried no pants, just trousers?

I can certainly try no pants, just trousers and see if that works

I’ve got two kids with asd and youngest is non verbal. They were toilet trained by 3 and we started by both being trained naked then worked up to clothes. They didn’t go for star charts or rewards and it held no interest. I’d say get him into a routine. And just routinely get him to use the loo when in clothes. Make sure you pop him on and keep asking. This is probably the trickiest part. I still get nervous when we take our youngest out as she is freaked out by public loos and won’t use them.

That's how we did it at first, he was completely naked and we took him to the loo every 30 mins, then an hour, then every 1.5 hr until he got it.

Then we put clothes on him and it all went wrong for poos.

So we're back to being naked from the waist down in the house. But can't seem to move on from this stage.

Unfortunately his poos are completely unpredictable, and he doesn't seem to be able to hold them in for long. So he needs to tell me when he has to go.

With poos we tried every hour and we actually did pants no trousers but in the morning longer on the toilet first thing when he wakes, breakfast and then i used tonout him on the toilet straight after breakfast and meals. Poos come more frequently after food as it pushes down on the bladder so after food go straight afterwards and then every hour from there worked for us.
Ds was exactly as you describe your ds at this age and poos came last but they did come just before school at 4 years 7 months.
Once we had managed a few days at home with no poos in pants we went straight out as I didn’t want ds to associate poos only at home so early into grasping it - which is why when we started school it was still very early that he had mastered it but this is an advantage because schools routine for toilet breaks helped the routine for poos so ds also associated school with being able to poo there.
Bloody hard work but keep going your ds sounds close.

That's reassuring Lesley25. I do think he will get there eventually.

I will try sitting him on the loo after meals and snacks to see if he will poo. At the moment he poos randomly ie. Mid morning, mid afternoon, even in the night. There's no routine, and it's certainly not just after meals. But maybe sitting him on the loo after meals will kind of enforce some sort of routine.

The worse thing is his poos aren't solid so if he has an accident, it's all down his legs and everywhere so it's not really ok to have him out public like that, and it's not fair to expect school to clean him up regularly.

Well I've got just over a week to crack this before he starts school and then we'll see where he's at. I'm worried because he's going on the bus (school transport), which he might be on for half an hour at both ends of the day, he could have an accident then which would be a nightmare

As pp said, keeping him in (soft) trousers but no pants for a couple of weeks may help. In the Oh crap, potty training method she advocates this as the first step after doing the initial phase naked from the waist down. She believes that the tight feeling of pants is too much like the feeling of wearing a nappy.

The reality is that, often, it is just harder and takes longer to potty train our ASC kids. My ds is 4.7 and we started a year ago with him using the Oh crap method. It took us a couple of months to crack poos and we had many in pants. Then one day he said he needed to do a poo on the potty (when we were out) and he did.

A year on and he’s great with poos but still often needs prompting to do a wee. We rarely have a full accident but sometimes he will have a wet patch in his pants. He is great out and about with us but while at preschool he would resist going and it may be an issue when he starts school in a few weeks. It wasn’t such a problem at nursery because he was only there 9-12.

Good luck, I’m sure you’ll get there in the end but it may not be such linear progress as you might hope for.

I should add I went to y front knickers initially as I thought the boxer style Pants is too secure and feels like a nappy.

Well DS starts school tomorrow [wibble]

He had a really good week with no accidents - I took him to the loo every 1.5 hrs, and asked him to try to poo. I was very strict with screen time and he was only allowed it when he was successful, which worked as he was highly motivated.

But then....he has had 2 poo accidents in the last 2 days, both in the house when he sneaked off to go and poo in his pants!

I don't understand why as he can clearly do it when he wants.

I really hope he's going to be clean at school, I've spoken to his teacher today and explained where he's up to and we agreed to send him in pants, but with 2 changes of clothes and a packet of wet wipes and see how it goes.