Rudeness/brusqueness/honesty

[Magcitrate]

I've posted a different thread where I've expressed my thoughts that my 7.5year old DS might have Aspergers.

One of things that bothers me about him is when I hear him sometimes (not all the time, he has some lovely friends who clearly love hanging out with him) he can sound so rude and brusque. Plus he has a very loud voice and will use it regardless of where he is.

It concerns me because it will become, over time, alienating I think.

But i have no real idea if other boys his age are really like it, if I'm being over analytical. Or whether this is a trait that I should be concerned about.

More importantly, how can I help my son do it less? I do talk to him about how to talk to others - be respectful and polite - but it doesn't always sink in.

I know that this will sound odd but if you tell him that he is being rude or disrespectful how specific are you? Do you tell him exactly what was rude and why? Also if he lacks theory of mind then his only point of reference for any given situation is his own perhaps he is just being honest about the world as he sees it?

That's a really interesting question! Perhaps I'm not specific enough. I say something along the lines of, be polite, use a kind voice etc. Should I dismantle what he's saying more - see if that helps?

Just be very specific and clear with him. Could you give an example so that I can explain what I mean better?

This doesn't feel like a good example but mind has gone blank, so it will have to do. He's playing football at campsite. Comes bounding up to us and the two boys near us (sons of friends) to ask one of them to come and play, make up the numbers. Both boys want to play. He says, 'no, X can't, as that would make the numbers uneven.' looking at the boy. I say, include him please. He says, 'No, I can't. It won't work.' I repeat, include everyone please, you'll work it out. To and fro like this until he sighs and accepts it.

Last year, at same site, he refused to say hug one of the girls (my fault as well for asking him to) and just stood there and said, 'I won't because I don't like her.' In front of her. She's a lovely young teen who'd looked after him a lot. This year he didn't even remember her/recognise her (even though she looks the same).

Regarding the football and the even teams. That is rigid thinking for someone on the spectrum that is quite difficult to overcome as we need things to be “right” in this case you could acknowledge his feelings directly and then explain to him that even though it doesn’t feel right that every one has different abilities and that if they switch the teams up a bit it would still be “fair”. As far as saying that he didn’t like the girl goes; when situations like that come up i confront my dd right away maybe not in front of the person but I take her aside look her in the eye and tell her that what she said hurt someone’s feelings and why? In your case that the girl had spent a lot of time with him and could now feel that she shouldn’t have bothered or won’t want to again. As far as forgetting goes, people with asd often look more engaged in our surroundings than we are we only tend to remember what is important to us it isn’t that we don’t care just that we are sitting through so much input that we only retain what is absolutely necessary to us.

Sifting not sitting sorry damn autocorrect

Thanks so much, that's really helpful

Yes, what *MumUnderTheMoon" says.
If he has ASD- high functioning, then he has delayed Theory of Mind.

So "coaching" him to see that how he thinks is also how other people think and feel.
So, in the example of football, you might take him aside and ask 'how would you feel if someone else left you out because of numbers'.
Pause, let him think about how it feels to be left out.
Then explain that other people feel the same way.

It seems obvious, but it's not if a person is on the spectrum.
It's not lack of caring or empathy- it just takes a few more steps and a bit more attention for the person with ASD to get there.

"how to talk so Kids will listen" is a brilliant book for coaching you how to walk him there.

God! my punctuation and grammar is all over the place this morning- sorry.

Thanks so much. Do you mean, how to talk so kids listen by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish? I have that on my shelf. Haven't read it yet.

Yes! that one.
It's brilliant.
Definitely not one to read and leave aside- it's more of a "read it, practice a bit, read again, get it wrong, try again".

All children that age can struggle to understand how things might make someone feel if they have never personally been in that position themselves.

It’s worth trying to coach your DS to always go through the mental steps of thinking “how would I feel if someone said that to me?”. It’s still quite challenging to do, because it requires social imagination. Quite honestly, even as an adult (with ASD) I can find it hard to imagine how a new situation would make me feel. So working out how someone else would feel is a bit of a mystery.

As a word of caution, as I became aware of my lack of theory of mind at around 11/12 I became increasingly reserved for fear of saying/doing the wrong thing. I’m still learning how to deal with this now (I’m 38). Try not to make your DS too self-conscious of his abruptness and don’t make him ashamed of it.

Springerlink, thank you for advising me to be cautious. I'd hate DS to feel ashamed of anything he is. He's wonderful. I just see it as my job to send him out in the world as kind and compassionate as he can be. Understanding how others might feel is all part of that. And he is empathetic and he is caring. He's got a very strong sense of fairness and is the first to stick up for his friends. But it can get lost in the moment