How to support DS' play

[Jeb86]

My DS1 is 3;7 and probably is on the spectrum. I'm a SALT working in the field too and I've had the thought for a while that he might be but everyone kept telling me that I was over analysing and only seeing signs because of my job. However, we went to a SALT appointment yesterday and she absolutely saw what I was describing. It was hard to hear in a way, perhaps I wanted to hear that I was over analysing etc but regardless of whether he will get an actual diagnosis the fact remains he has difficulties. Possibly quite similar to girls with ASD as he seems very good at learning techniques to socialise and can learn play sequences, but no real original ideas himself.

I'm really keen to try and spark his imagination with something to do pretend play with but so far he joins in for a few turns of feeding the teddy or saying hello on a telephone and then he loses interest, or gets into a loop of repeating the same sequence. I can feel myself get frustrated with him which I feel awful about.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can support him? He's really quite emotional with transitions and new environments, always has been and it's exhausting parenting him at times. I feel guilty when I wish he was different and "easy" like other kids. That's awful to say isn't it? But just being honest.

Anyways, thank you for reading/ listening xx

Iv three boys two with asd and one adhd and tbh they a hate pretend play. I'm actually getting rid of toys as my youngest who's 5 won't look at them.

We stick to jigsaws, crafts. Boys love playing with cars and lego and trains. I try to stick with things they enjoy.

My ds is 4.8 and in the last year has begun to act out sequences from his favourite cartoons with various play items. His play had looked random and not like pretend play at all, but when I listened he had a dialogue going so I asked and he told me that the unrelated objects were characters. It is progressing and we had a great time pretending to be Go Jetters the other day at the park (he initiated).

His SALT tried to assess him using bears and a tea set, but he is not into that kind of pretend play so didn't co-operate, he prefers vehicles and action play.

Rescue Car Poli is a favourite and all 3 of my kids played together pretending to put out fires with the hose the other day.

Tap into what he finds interesting and start there.

Should have said, he is autistic.

I found my ASD son liked pretend play if it was 'scripted' or very firmly based on something he understood. Like 123 posted he started by acting out his favourite TV shows so I'd find props to help. Then he'd use dolls to act out things he had done that day. It started very repetitive but he enjoyed it. Short bursts gradually built up. He's 5 now and his pretend games aren't as fluid as his peers but he's happy and he's got great imagination, it just presents differently. Don't feel guilty though, it's bloody hardwork! It does pay off though x

I'd second the ideas about basing it on TV shows, as it makes it easier for them to play the same games with peers having practised with you because they have the same base. DD likes doing Paw Patrol rescues.

Does he like lego? Sometimes DD (4,ASC) does pretend play around lego she's built. We also like the "You Choose“ books for imagination. Any books about feelings are also good for processing emotions I think. I especially like" How Are You Feeling Today" by Molly Potter.

Sorry I slightly disagree. Teaching play is a life skill which comes hand in hand with communication etc which are vital skills for any child. U can’t say leave him be as the child will not grow develop and that is in actual fact very wrong to say about a child who has difficulties as if u do leave them to their own means they may not learn and may need to be helped ‘to learn’. So basically if a child isn’t picking up play instinctively he should just be left to figure it out for himself?? And scrap our interventions and therapies too while ur at it?!

No, it’s saying that you should wait until a child is developmentally ready before you start supporting play or other activities. It’s worth thinking about why you are doing something before you do it.

Doing something just to normalise your child’s play isn’t really a good idea, any more that forcing them to do something they aren’t ready to do.

My ds scripts play from tv shows and scenes from cartoons every day all the time.
If I try and get involved which I have done in the past by copying supporting that play I’m met with aggression and frustration.
My sons play is just that- his play. When he wants me to join in he will approach me as he has done in the last few months, but he has scripted for years for what I believe are exactly the reasons *zzzzz describes.
My ds is 9. Standing back and observing or waiting for a chance to join in that play has hugely benefitted our relationship us but of course I wish it had come sooner- but for who’s benefit really? Mine. It makes me feel involved in his head and world. I get to share that joy too. Ds got what he needs from scripting and playing and practicing words. I can see that now. And I have plenty of days where I “jump” into ds when he is scripting and he firmly tells me no!

Standing back and watching your child do his/her own thing, you will realise that they are growing and developing in their own way. Unless there is a very clear benefit to trying to force development in a certain area or in a certain way, why shouldn't our children grow in their own directions?

As an adult with ASD I can look back on my childhood and be immensely grateful that my parents didn't try to "normalise" me. My quirks are what make me into me. And I fully agree with @zzzzz, that as you grow up you do find things get easier. You might have to wait a lot longer than a parent of an NT child, but skills do come. I know that I have to process lots of social communicaiton intellectually that just comes naturally to many other people, but I did learn how to do it.

I can tell you from direct experience that what I can intellectualise and learn now I most certainly could not grasp as a teenager or even a young adult. Even more so reflecting on how I was as a child.

I find it so bizzare that no-one in their right mind would suggest that you teach a 5 month old to walk. People can clearly see that they are not deveopmentally capable of that yet. But when it comes to play and language skills, especially in ASD children, there is so much pressure to try to get children to develop skills that they simply can't do (yet).

Thank you all for your thoughts, it's been really interesting to read and ponder. It made me smile as earlier today DS just wanted to watch trams on YouTube, I didn't want him to... and now I'm thinking that I didn't want him to because I couldn't see the benefit of it other than zone out time, but after 12 hours sleep I didn't feel that he really needed it. But after a full day of going here there and everywhere when we got back he asked and I let him, because he did need zone out time. I'm sure like with most things there's a balance to be struck between when they are receptive to learning and able to tolerate new experiences and expansions on their ideas, and other times where it's just a NO!

I think my reason behind wanting to develop his pretend play is to help him build up resilience to flexibility - we live in a very flexible world where you don't always get your own way, where you are expected to come up with ideas and have opinions, and where imagination is a good thing and I believe it is a skill that needs to be nurtured.

I'm enjoying trying to add little bits of imagination into his day though, I tried out the swing thing to the moon and he wasn't impressed, but he seemed to enjoy me turning a piece of park equipment into a bridge over crocodiles... baby steps :)

No, it’s saying that you should wait until a child is developmentally ready before you start supporting play or other activities

Slightly disagree, if I waited till my DS to talk, understand words before I taught him to read. I can guarantee, he would of never learnt how to read.

Don’t take this the wrong way Springer but judging how your able to use Mumsnet, your post is articulary written. I’m assuming you have quite good functioning skills as an ASD adult and probably your mothers approach of waiting and seeing how you develop did wonders for you and of course, it’s good to sit back and watch and see how your child develops.

However, sometimes, sitting back and waiting does more damage than good. Some people with Autism, need to be taught how to do things and they are unlikely to develop the skills themselves, and as to why some people with Autism are still at an infantile state, despite being in their teens/adults and so forth. Take my DS as an example, he needed to be taught how to speak and communicate, whereas another young boy with ASD I know of, developed speech without much intervention.

Back to the OP. Play is hugely important, it’s the stepping stone for building relationships/ friendships, social skills, self-esteem. Now, you could sit back and see how your DS gets on and live him to it, but it’s something I personally couldn’t risk. Some children need to be taught things and some are lucky enough to require skills without much intervention and just waiting and watching. I would hate to think some people with Autism, because they are not showing they are are developmentally ready, lose or not show their potiental ability because they are deemed not developmentally ready.

Take Carly, for example (I think that’s her name). Has Autism, non verbal and still requires self care help in regards to her needs. I think she is in her early twenties or late teens. She was given an Assisitve device, now from the outside, I’m sure some professionals thought she wasn’t ready to use such a high-tec device, but I think her parents preserved with it and Carly having the Assitive device showed how intelligent she was letting on, allowed her to give her choice and be affirm, she has written a book and is/was studying at University. I highly doubt, if she didn’t have her high tec device, she wouldn’t of accomplished those things.

Forgot to add OP !

When introducing imaginative play, start with something that your child really likes. For example, say your child enjoyed construction toys, in particular, Lego. You can use the Lego Minatures to start the basis for imaginative play. Always follow the child’s interests. I recommend you visit (teachmetotalk website)... there’s another popular speech therapist on YouTube at the moment (forgot her name) and the Hanen more than words bookx

I think there’s a massive difference between an ABA-style play intervention for hours a day and some gentle parental encouragement based on your child’s interests and preferences. If you keep trying different things you will hopefully find something that he responds to. Some days he may be more receptive than others. Take it when he is but don’t push it when he’s not interested and just wants to do his own thing.

Definitely follow his interests. When he gets stuck in a loop, try to introduce one different element. He may resist at first but you may find that he’s happy to follow your lead after repeating it a number of times.

They are all different. My ds loves role play and acting out scenes from favourite tv programmes and books, he does this both by himself and with us taking parts (under his direction). He will do the same with small world toys. He also likes playing with cars and trains.

He might not be developmentally ready for pretend play yet, but there's absolutely no harm in modelling it for him. Even if he just watches but doesn't take part then that's a start. My DS has only really got pretend play in the last few months and he's 4, even then it is highly copied from other people or TV, and very very repetitive.

I expect we are all describing much the same thing actually, just different words.

I think so too. . All I’m advocating is for all children to be given opportunities. I certainly don’t mean forcing the child to do X Y and Z. But to take into account where the child is developmentally at, and expand it a little bit further. I believe if you put limitations on the child and don’t expand a little bit, they would recommend stuck (barring the people of course who can develop skills without being taught).

My DS is now swimming lengths. However, it wasn’t like that. We were in a cycle of swimming instructors putting limitations on DS, i.e. He has Autism, he will most likely never learn how to swim, let’s just teach him the same thing over and and over again. Fortunately, we found a swimming instructor who recognised DS difficulties, but was willing to teach him, at his own pace, pushed him a bit further, and used DS learning style to help him progress with his swimming.

What may look like ‘not developmentally ready’, could be the child not responding to a certain teaching style but can learn how to do XYZ when I’m taught in a different case.

Anyway, I believe that all children should be given opportunities, regardless of disability, where they are at developmentally etc.

Including, in terms with play, I don’t see the harm in using the child’s interests, taking where the child is developmentally at and pushing the play a bit further.

We agree to disagree.

Hmmm, I find this thread very challenging and useful, but I think I find myself where I was to start with which is that (for my DD) I am very in favour of pushing a bit outside comfort zones and encouraging new things in play, but not for hours at a time. For DD I think spending half an hour a day being gently challenged is OK and has brought her to many skills and tools that I guess she wouldn't have managed yet without that gentle push (E.g. Riding a bike, various types of pretend play that she can now share with her peers, asking a question of a familiar adult and finding a poo T of connection). But not hours and hours, and of course I worry about the risk to mental health of any intervention, but I think there are risks the other way too.

This is all quite informed by my own childhood and young adulthood. I had so many "aha" moments when friends or others told me things that, in retrospect, should have been blindingly obvious (E.g. most people spend very little time judging you or thinking about you at all, being a perfectionist is actually quite smug in some ways and not a character virtue, etc.) that improved my life and mental health immeasurably when those realisations finally came. Even younger, I would have given a lot to know how to just blend in so I could be left alone to do my own thing, rather than standing out like a sore thumb (I had the right to stand out of course, but as a teenager I would have loved to fade into the wallpaper more than I did, so I could just watch and learn in peace).

I suppose I fundamentally do believe that we can be taught things that we would take a very long time to learn for ourselves, and although play should be mainly for recharging and self directed exploration, there is no harm in a little of it being directed from outside to build skills and confidence.

But it's all a horribly difficult balancing act and depends so much on the child
.. Which is apparent from this thread!